Dear Racey1

I lost my husband 2 weeks ago & struggling too & have never felt sadness, loneliness, scared, confusion like it. 
I just thought to myself I can't wait to go to bed so I've done another day

I want him back, I want to chat to him & tell him all that's been happening & the 100's of tributes I have received. I want to hold his hand again. 
Racey I can't give you any advice but I think be kind to yourself. I like you think it's going to take time but I am sure like my Kev they will be proud of us by just keeping 
One foot in front of the other. 
I hurt beyond words & still have his funeral on Thursday how on earth am I going to get through the day. 
I feel completely broken just like you mate 

Hug from someone who knows how you're feeling x

Hi Babyem,

Thank you for your prompt reply. I am so sorry for your loss, There is me moaning about my situation while you are dealing with your recent loss. The funeral can be daunting but as long as you have family and friends surrounding you, you will get through it. We were only allowed 30 at Fiona's Cremation but we could have filled it 10 times over. I keep lots of sayings and poems regarding loss and on of the signs state that there are '3 stages of grief, 1st stage, middle stage and the rest of your life' whioch seems to be about right. after 9 months, my sleep pattern is all over the place but like you, as sson as I get to bed and to sleep, I can forget the extreme pain I am feeling. 

Thank you again for your lovely words and showing me that I am not alone x

I was just sending an email out when a notification popped up!
 

Hey Mr you're allowed to have off days & im not surprised you feel crap, seeing & hearing her voice again must just pull at your heart bloody hell man that's tough for you. I wish I could hear Kev but know equally I would probably be as sick as anything after. 
 

You must be immensely proud of her for her tireless hard work she did & actually for others I salute her from one women to another. 
 

You are so right about going from one day to get to the next but listen up my friend; I don't know you personally but what I can make out you're a top guy; you work hard & nap hard!! & I am sure your friends would be saddened to hear you say you're just 'killing time' so matey, make your lovely Fiona proud of you, get your fight back into your belly today & do 1 thing positive big or small it doesn't matter even if clean out the cutlery drawer!! 
I've done 1 positive thing today as I felt lost & low this morning as I dreamt about Kev last night mine was rubbish, tidied up my shoes, did it make me feel better? Nah not really but for that brief hour it made me think of something else & it has given me a clean cupboard so felt good I had done that. 
If you're feeling rubbish later say on here & I'll be popping back in :happy: Bet you can't wait to hear from me hey :happy:

I'm gonna check on you whether you like it or not :happy:

Ta Dah for now

Hiya I felt the same when my husband passed 9 months ago it’s horrible I cry constantly at anything when you have lost someone so important in your life like your Fiona and my john you wonder when you will feel okay again just try to stay strong it’s hard but think of all the good times you had with her x annie

Said I'd check in god it's a late night for me 

how you doing? 
Did my day pan out ok! No not really but I got through it & I hope you feel like me. 
the Vicar who conducted Kevin's funeral rang today to see how we were ~ that was lovely of her but actually 'it's **** but how can you tell a vicar that

I'm off to bed it's late for me please leave a message tomorrow even if it's a thumbs up to me you're ok yeah?
good night my friend xx

Hi,

I am ok, thanks fo your concern. I wouldn't do anything to myself.  Just had a low spell and needed time to process everything.

I am going out for a push now, to get some fresh air, I will message you later x

Hi Babyem,

I am back. Weekend was pretty rubbish. Friday & Saturday was really low and Sunday I had a tummy bug.

And that is when it hits you. Whenever I was unwell, Fiona was there to escort me to bed, get my food and medicine and generally make a fuss of me but on Sunday, it was just me. Anyway, I am better today and kept busy. 

How has your weekend been? and what about today? 

In answer to your question from your previous post, yes, I am so very proud of Fiona and all that she had accomplished. She was special. 

Bacause of the nice weather, I have decided to drive to Southend tomorrow and push along the Promenade. 

I assume that as you go to Lakeside and must live in that general area, you have probably visited Southend many times too.

How did your vicar expect you to answer? I suppose it is nice in some way that he was concerned about you.

I am not sure of your comment about how hard I work but I do nap hard. 

Thank you for kind words and for your concern.

Well, it's 9:54 and I am yawning away so, I hope you sleep well and have a day tomorrow. x 

Hi Annie,

I don't think I will ever feel ok again, I have lost a big part of me and find life pretty pointless at the moment. Like you, I cry regularly.

Did your John pass away at home or the hospital? Fiona and I were married for 27 Years when she passed and we were together for 2 years before we married. 

How do you cope? Do you manage to keep yourself busy?

I hope you had a reasonably good weekend and please  message when you want to chat, if I can help.

Take care.

Hi Racey

How you doing? How was Southend? 
 

My weekend was rubbish like you I hate them, I hate being on my own, hate it with a passion. I don't want to bother friends as they want to be with their families at weekends so without a shadow of a doubt I do struggle. 
Im finding that the slightest thing sets me off I hold it all together at School & as soon as I step outside & get in my car the tears flow, just don't know if it's because im holding it together all day whatever it is it's crap!

When you mentioned that you was feeling under the weather that's one of my fears, if im I'll & because im on my own who'd look after me now :sad:

It's my turn Racey to be on a downer it's so rubbish & I constantly feel sad which pulls me down  

Anyway hope you're ok

Keep going Racey 

Hi Babyem,

We seem to be sharing the same feelings and experiences when the weekend comes round. My Counsellor has advised me to try and stay busy over the weekend ie do my shopping, go out for a walk (or a push in my case) to get some fresh air or go for a drive. It sounds easy but isn't.

I am sorry to hear that your weekend was crap also. 

Had a good day in Southend but it was weird being there without my Fiona. I spent time pushing along the Promenade and sitting at the end of the pier.

I am been thinking, (dangerous I know) but perhaps if you are ok with this, if one of us is having a particularly hard time, especially over the weekend, we go on this site to tell each other and we try to chat about things that may help us to feel better ie favourite holidays we havebeen on, or politics (preferrably not) or films & tv, or even sport, just to get the other person out of that current slump. What do you think? Or, if it not to painful, you can talk about Kevin and I will talk about Fiona.

I met my second cousin, Sheila, tonight with her husband, along with my sister and her partner and had a nice meal. Half way through the evening, Sheila said to me 'you are doing really well' How do I answer that one? Sheila can't see the pain I am feeling but I didn't want to sound like a misery guts, so I nodded. errgghh.  

How is your work going? any thoughts of when you will return to school? Are you planning to meet up with your boys soon?

I think I have gone on too much, so I will sign off and will chat soon.

 Keep on going.

Hi Mr how you doing?
was just answering another post to a Gary who has lost his wife & told him to join our chats as we help each other. 
I have also been told to keep busy *** me Racey my house has never been so clean. I emptied the dishwasher tonight for the first time in a week!! Haven't yet done any washing where as the machine was on 2/3 times a day! Keep busy they say but doing what?  Your suggestion about catching up but catching up with special memories of theirs & ours favourite things so yes please that would be lovely. 
 

School, I have been going in. When I pull into the car park I say to my Kev 'ok babes I've got work to do & I will chat later' & with that I go into work. Ever now & again I have a weak moment & take myself off & out of the way. As soon as I get in there I want to come home & then when I'm home I'm lonely as hell. 
 

This situation is definite isn't it which scares me beyond anything

I saw my eldest daughter in the week who was very sad & my son has now got COVID how much more can be thrown at us  My other daughter who lives in London rang tonight to say she cried today because she wanted dad to come & put some shelves up in her new home :sad:

(deep sigh) best go & throw some food down my throat  

Let's give our weekend chats a thought perhaps a theme at a time & 1 funny story that we have done with them.  Kev always made me laugh so.......

Ta Dah for now x

Hi,

I have posted a message on Gary's post. How are you doing?

I am glad your home is spotless but if you are bored and have nothing to do, my home could do with a spit and polish. Well, it's Friday, the horrible weekend is upon us (groan). I am going to try and stay busy like doing shopping, along with everybody else in our town. My sister has asked me over to Camden for lunch on Sundayso that will bring me closer to Monday again. 

I mentioned about chatting if either of us was feeling low but realise that, the other person may not read the post immediately or cannot get to our PC to reply so, I think that wasn't one of my best ideas. 

I had a great sleep on Thursday.............................in my car. I went in to do my voluntary work in MK from 9:45am til 4:30pm and drove home after. I arrived home aroun 5:15pm. I reclined the back of my car seat to get my wheelchair out and leaning back, I thought, 'this is comfy' and woke up 6:45pm. Where does the time go?  

So, I take it from you previous post, you have two daughters and two sons. Have you plans for the weekend? If not, you can meet up with one of your kids this weekend, and then another next week. This way, you want duplicate until a months time.

Anyway, I have gone on too long. Take care.

Hi,

I have posted a message on Gary's post. How are you doing?

I am glad your home is spotless but if you are bored and have nothing to do, my home could do with a spit and polish. Well, it's Friday, the horrible weekend is upon us (groan). I am going to try and stay busy like doing shopping, along with everybody else in our town. My sister has asked me over to Camden for lunch on Sundayso that will bring me closer to Monday again. 

I mentioned about chatting if either of us was feeling low but realise that, the other person may not read the post immediately or cannot get to our PC to reply so, I think that wasn't one of my best ideas. 

I had a great sleep on Thursday.............................in my car. I went in to do my voluntary work in MK from 9:45am til 4:30pm and drove home after. I arrived home aroun 5:15pm. I reclined the back of my car seat to get my wheelchair out and leaning back, I thought, 'this is comfy' and woke up 6:45pm. Where does the time go?  

So, I take it from you previous post, you have two daughters and two sons. Have you plans for the weekend? If not, you can meet up with one of your kids this weekend, and then another next week. This way, you want duplicate until a months time.

Anyway, I have gone on too long. Take care.

Hi oh you do make me laugh with your sleeping you are clearly comfy:laugh:

How has today been? I have deliberately made myself busy today. Town, cooked my sons some meals & delivered them on his doorstep, went over to see my sister, my eldest came over & my grandson & now home. 1 day nearly gone 1 to go, crikey that sounds awful. 
I felt better than I did yesterday held it all together at school then floods of tears when I got home actually fell asleep crying  

Soon be time for bed ~ happy soul hey!
 

3 kids, twins 1 of each & another daughter who has a little boy who is 5. He keeps painting pebbles for Kevs grave :love:

I hope your day went ok & you've got something planned tomorrow 

Did you suss out the private message bit how to do it?

Hi Babyem,

Today has not been too bad. Got up later than usual, pottered around the home and went out to M & S for food for tonight.

I am going to my sisters house in Camden tomorrow for lunch. We get on really well, although, I was a little *** to her when I was younger. (I was).

I think, that if we allow the pain and heartache to consume us, we struggle and cry again. I have tried to be a little more positive yesterday and today.  I have quite a busy week coming up. I am playing indoor bowls and catching up with an old work colleague on Monday. Tuesday, I am volunteering all day at my previous job. Wednesday, I am taking Fiona's mum to Hospital, as she is having problems with her Pacemaker. Thursday, I am at an Exhibition in Birmingham  amd Friday. more Bowls and catching up.

I did find a way to privately message Gary by Friending him on a Private site. I have tried to help and chat to him to see if I can guide him in any way. It is so difficult, as I used to try to add my words of support and guidance on a Bereavement site but my Counsellor explained that I shouldn't try to support other people at the moment, as I am not coping and need to look after myself. 

Well, M & S Fish Pie with Cauliflower tonight (yummmyy).

I hope you have another good day tomorrow and a better week.

Take care

Sent you a friend request hopefully I've done it right 

Hi Babyem, yes you have private messaged correctly and I sent a small reply. Have a day