Dear Racey1

I lost my husband 2 weeks ago & struggling too & have never felt sadness, loneliness, scared, confusion like it. 
I just thought to myself I can't wait to go to bed so I've done another day

I want him back, I want to chat to him & tell him all that's been happening & the 100's of tributes I have received. I want to hold his hand again. 
Racey I can't give you any advice but I think be kind to yourself. I like you think it's going to take time but I am sure like my Kev they will be proud of us by just keeping 
One foot in front of the other. 
I hurt beyond words & still have his funeral on Thursday how on earth am I going to get through the day. 
I feel completely broken just like you mate 

Hug from someone who knows how you're feeling x

Hi Babyem,

Thank you for your prompt reply. I am so sorry for your loss, There is me moaning about my situation while you are dealing with your recent loss. The funeral can be daunting but as long as you have family and friends surrounding you, you will get through it. We were only allowed 30 at Fiona's Cremation but we could have filled it 10 times over. I keep lots of sayings and poems regarding loss and on of the signs state that there are '3 stages of grief, 1st stage, middle stage and the rest of your life' whioch seems to be about right. after 9 months, my sleep pattern is all over the place but like you, as sson as I get to bed and to sleep, I can forget the extreme pain I am feeling. 

Thank you again for your lovely words and showing me that I am not alone x

Hi Racey1 & Leigh60

So today I woke up & thought let's try & get some things done today! Put the radio on ~ why do they have to play a record that we loved, first tears of the day. Go in the garden a pot that he brought had fallen over & smashed why? It had been there for ages, he hated it anyway & quite frankly it was only a couple of £'S second lot of tears. Bet he smashed the ruddy thing. 
Thought I would walk up to his grave & take some fresh flowers & to tell him about the pot! listened to some music on the way, got to his grave all upset again just too emotional, crying again. Got some water to water the flowers fell over with the watering cans that then tipped over me , hurt my ankle, crying buckets now & looking like I've got caught in a rain storm as I'm soaked. Hobbled home & sat here cursing him because everything was his fault ~ today was 'just about had it' 

Yesterday it suddenly dawned on me that this was definite & somehow I need to go forward & honestly I just don't know how too & I know it will take time but the sorrow that we all carry inside us who have lost someone is excruciating & today my pain has been unbearable & like you Racey some days I find the fight in my belly & be strong & other days, well I've lost my fight. 
I do think tho guys to go thru all this pain we are actually incredibly strong & they would be proud of us I know Kev would be & I could here him giggling at me today too!

I love reading what we say to each other, it helps me too Racey :happy:

I hope both have had a good day xx 

I replied to both of you, you & Racey

Thank you Leigh60 xx

Hi Babyem,

Oh, I am so sorry to hear of your awful day.  It is as if the whole Universe has got together to make your day even more shittier (sorry) than it is normally. It is so unfair.

You will find that this awful day doesn't repeat itself that often. It has been a tearful day for me but nothing to top yours, you win the most crappiest day ever, award.

I think my Fiona is somewhere around me, as my Central Heating has turned itself on twice in the last couple of days.

I live in the most uniteresting place in England, Aylesbury in Buckinghamshire and the only busy roads we have are the ones going out of the area. Today was some shopping in Aldi's and tomorrow it is a visit to Milton Keyne's Costco, which should be fun, along with busy, fraught and full of idiots who can't push a trolley in a straight line. 

We had a Cremation for Fiona as I think, that is what she wanted. As Fiona died relatively quickly, we never got to talk about what happens when she passes. The service was good although I found myself staring at the floor as I knew I would fall apart if I looked at her coffin. I suppose it would be nice to be able to place some flowers of where she lies but, I can't.

I am not weird but found some sayings and poems helpful and saved them. I have another poem from my list called 'Some Days'

They tell me life's a journey                                                                                                                      That will take me many years                                                                                                                    Some days are filled with laughter                                                                                                           And some days are filled with tears

Some days I think my heart will break                                                                                                      That I can't persevere                                                                                                                               Some days I have to don a mask                                                                                                            And hide beneath it's veneer                                                                                                                   

Some days I turn and look for you                                                                                                            With thoughts I'd like to share                                                                                                                  Some days I just can't understand                                                                                                        The reason you're not there

Some days the sadness leaves me                                                                                                    And my smile will reappear                                                                                                                Some days I close my eyes because                                                                                                  Your memory is so clear

Some days I struggle to go on                                                                                                            Just wishing you were near                                                                                                                Most days I spend in gratiutude                                                                                                          That you were ever here    

And another:

I konw you're are sad, so I wont tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day. Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes and don't give up on yourself just yet. It'll get better. Until then, have a day.

I am not sure if this helps or you don't bother to read. We are here to look after each other.

x

What a lovely thing to read first thing in the morning'have a day'

Thats exactly what I'm going to do today; just have a day. 
The poem was just lovely; I love poetry but only if it means something if that makes sense? I have printed it off & stuck it in my kitchen so I can read it when well, just when. 
& yep my friend I won yesterday hands down. 
One of our good friends had some trees planted for Kevin which I was truly touched with & I go & put a flower on one, perhaps something you could do or if there is a place near you that Fiona loved, leave a rose/flower there for her. 
I was lucky to talk to Kevin before he passed away ~ not a easy conversation to have I can tell you, but one I am glad we had. Honestly at one point it sounded like we were going away for the weekend when I was asking about clothing etc, very bizarre. 
 

Tackle the shops head on matey know what you mean about Costco but do love the shop our nearest one is Thurrock 

Go careful, drive carefully & catch you later 

Hi Babyem,

Fortunately, the visit to Costco, was a short one as I didn't need much and we goth there as soon as it opened at 10 am, so it wasn't busy at all.

These poems and sayings I have gathered have helped me to get through some hard times after I lost Fiona.

I love Lakeside, I ofter meet my cousin in Lakeside. I hope you are over your awful day and moved on without too much mental anguish. I think I may be in denial as I still expect Fiona to walk through the door anytime. Our brain plays horrible tricks on us when we lose a loved one.

Well, I got halfway though my ironing yesterday but had to stop as I was so tired so, I am just about to continue. 16 shirts and 8 pairs of trousers, why oh why didn't I do the ironing before it built up. earghh.

Anyway, you have a good day, or a day and will chat soon.

Take care x 

Hello Racey1 and Babyem

I hope the last few days have been more bearable.

The poem is just so moving and says everything in how we feel about our loved ones.

I smiled to myself Babyem when you said "you could here your Kev giggling".

I hope our loved ones have met Racey1 my David got on with everyone and never judged.

You mention signs and Im glad to hear about your central heating (apart from the cost of switching on at this time of year).

We had a pond in our garden and one day when David was out it was visited by a large blue dragonfly. The day after my David passed I pulled the blind at the kitchen window and there in the garden was a large dragonfly. I called our daughter we went out into the garden together.  We have a small garden, the dragonfly flew once around the garden then came up to me hovered practically touching my nose for 5 seconds they went to my daughter stood next to me and then flew around the garden once more and then away it went.

I went to Canada with a friend a couple of years ago and decided to try white water river rafting.  Very tame for beginners thank goodness.  Once we were all on the raft just as it set off a dragon flew above my head.  As we were approaching the end of our time and soaking on the raft just before i got off a dragonfly flew above my head.

My husband had a playstation its still in place where it alwaus was.  when I have a friend of ours over we often chat quite late in the evening on a number of occasions the playstation has turned itself on and after a minute turns itself back off. We always smile and think its my David saying its late!!

I think you are both Babyem and yourself Racey both strong and are and will continue to find ways to cope and have good and bad days with hopefully in time however long that takes to have more of the better days.  There is no right or wrong or length of time to grieve we all cope our way but talking and sharing is a huge help to me also so thank you both.

Keep taking care of yourself both of you one day at a time xx

16 shirts 8 pairs of trousers get that ironing done ~ you're clearly slacking!!
Just like you I think Kevin is going to walk in & call my name. 
I have done nothing but cry tears again today how on earth have I got so many  left in my body. 
I just can't accept that he's not with me anymore the sorrow in me hurts so much. I wish there was just 1 thing that feels a bit better. 
For some unknown reason I can't sleep & keep waking up at 3am so not only do I find grief exhausting but I'm exhausted with everything. 
I'm back to school tomorrow which I'm extremely anxious about but know I have to go & break the ice with seeing everyone perhaps that's why I am feeling like I have these last few days, hey? But tomorrow I'm going to take your words in my foggy brain 'Have a Day'
Bit miserable really aren't I. Why does this suck so much Racey why?
 

Hope you have had a good day 

Hi Leigh

We had very similar to you but with a butterfly & on the day of his funeral a butterfly sat on the ledge of the alter then flew to me & sat by my feet. It's so very odd isn't it. 
As you can see I've struggled big time these few days just overwhelmed by absolutely everything & the slightest thing sets me off I don't just cry I sob & it hits me in waves. 
Back to School tomorrow I hope no one is nice to me :sad:

Grief is overwhelming isn't it how can I have so many tears in my body 

My Kevin is such a lovely kind man & boy did he make me laugh so I hope all their paths have crossed  

I hope you're ok

I said every single day that kisses & hugs are free today & im sure I got on his nerves keep hugging & kissing him but who cares so today I'm sending you & Racey a free hug 

Take the greatest of care xx 

Hi Leigh60 & Babyem,

I do believe there are signs, I think but I would like a big sign to appear in front of me saying 'I am here my sweetheart, looking over you and I will watch over you until we are together again'. God, I am crying writing this.

I have often thought of seeing a Medium or Clairvoyant, to get messages from my Fiona, (via a thjirs party) but you never know who is real and who is a fake.

I am a guy, a big guy but that doesn't help, I still cry like a child most day. I thought that, as it is coming up to 10 months since Fiona left, that I would cope better, I am not.

Here's hoping that we all manage to stay strong and be there for each other.  

Hi Babyem,

You are right, I am slacking. I do the washing, dry them and then hang them up for ironing. This load of ironing is hanging up and as I pass it every day and think, I will Iron that lot today but I go into the kitchen and take on another task and forget about the ironing. It started with 3 shirts and a couple of trousers and grew and grew and got out of control. 

I hope your first day at scholl went as well as it could and you coped. I sound like I am talikng to my daughter, 30 years ago.

As I mentioned previously, I have returned to my last job, one day a week as a volunteer and it is good to feel useful and be surrounded by old friends.

You metioned tiredness, I met with friends this morning when we all decided that we would meet every 3 to 4 weeks to have breakfast at different places while we give them a score on taste and value for money. Anyway, after breakfast, I drove one of my mates home. I decided that I wasn't going to go and sit at home so I went to Tesco's. Like you, my sleep pattern have been all over the place, anyway, I parked up, wound  the recliner part of my seat down, before getting out and laid back. I woke 2 hours later. Looking around trying to work out where I was and remembered but it was a deep, deep sleep. I probably won't sleep at all tonight.

 Anyway, Sausage & Mash tonight (from a pack).

I do have other sayings and poems, so when you feel a little low, I will find a saying or poem that will get you aout of that slump.

Take care x

Hi Babyem,

You are right, I am slacking. I do the washing, dry them and then hang them up for ironing. This load of ironing is hanging up and as I pass it every day and think, I will Iron that lot today but I go into the kitchen and take on another task and forget about the ironing. It started with 3 shirts and a couple of trousers and grew and grew and got out of control. 

I hope your first day at scholl went as well as it could and you coped. I sound like I am talikng to my daughter, 30 years ago.

As I mentioned previously, I have returned to my last job, one day a week as a volunteer and it is good to feel useful and be surrounded by old friends.

You metioned tiredness, I met with friends this morning when we all decided that we would meet every 3 to 4 weeks to have breakfast at different places while we give them a score on taste and value for money. Anyway, after breakfast, I drove one of my mates home. I decided that I wasn't going to go and sit at home so I went to Tesco's. Like you, my sleep pattern have been all over the place, anyway, I parked up, wound  the recliner part of my seat down, before getting out and laid back. I woke 2 hours later. Looking around trying to work out where I was and remembered but it was a deep, deep sleep. I probably won't sleep at all tonight.

 Anyway, Sausage & Mash tonight (from a pack).

I do have other sayings and poems, so when you feel a little low, I will find a saying or poem that will get you aout of that slump.

Take care x

I just signed on to see if you're ok & saw that you have only just put a message on here. Have to say you did make me laugh which is a dam sight better than the

tears that have left my eyes just recently & today was no exception I lasted until lunchtime & couldn't stand anymore everyone was too nice to me! & I did nothing but cry. So brought my work home which was fine. The Head has just texted me to say do mornings only for a bit just to help me which I think I might take her up on this suggestion. 
 

That's a nice thing to do to meet up with friends for breakfast my favourite meal of the day!

2 hours you must have needed it  im surprised no one knocked on your window to see if you're ok.  You'll be up till late tonight, finish your ironing! so bossy :happy:

Love one line sayings so always send them  

I see Fiona was born in January all good babies are born in January :wink::happy: 

Hope your evening, well what's left of it, is ok & sleep man!

Night 

Hi Babyem,

It was always going to be difficult on your first day back but, as you say, the more people are nicer to you, the more tearful you become. 

I went to bed at midnight and went  straight off to sleep (hooray)...............................................and woke uip at 4 am (groan). I could not get back to sleep, so many things going through my head so, I got up at 6 am and as today is my one day a week that I volunteer at work, I though that I would drive into work early, stop at a lay-by nearby and have a nap. I slept for 40 minutes and was raring to go.

Did you notice my level of education in my last post to you? I stated that 'I hope your first day at scholl goes well'  1/10.

Do you hate weekends? I could do without them.

Now, yoour comment on Birthdays, Birthdays in January is totally irresponsible. Presents for Christmas and again a couple of weeks later. Now, my Birthday took a lot of thought. I was born           17 June, right in the middle of the year so I have 6 months to wait til Christmas presents then another 6 months to wait til Birthdays presents. (that makes 6 pairs of socks, and a bottle Lynx).

Here is another slightly longer but also helpful wording:

If the mountain seems too big today, then climb a hill instead. If the morning brings you sadness, it's ok to stay in bed. If the day ahead weighs heavy and your plans feel like a curse, there's no shame in rearranging: don't make yourself feel worse. If a shower stings like needles and a bath feels like you'll drown, if you haven't washed your hair for days don't throw away your crown. A day is not a lifetime, a rest is not a defeat. Don't think of it as failure, just a quiet, kind retreat. It's ok to take a moment from an anxious, fractured mind. The world will not stop turning while you get realigned. The mountain will still be there when you want to try again. You can climb it in your own time. Just love yourself til then.

Take care, chat soon 

Ahhhh that's so lovely & doesn't that just speak volumes ~ best one so far Racey

How can you sleep in the car for so long ~ you did make me laugh 

Well there you go I didn't notice your spelling!!!
The last couple of days I just kept my head down & cracked on with my work. I did think; well at least I've been busy perhaps the weekend won't be so bad! How wrong was I I'm fed up already & it's only Friday night I too hate weekends wouldn't ask for much glass of something chilled & perhaps a game of cards but nope here I am feeling all lost & lonely. Just lately I've felt that I have just been trying to survive. Let's keep going hey & keep chatting 

Go careful matey & chat tomorrow 
 

Hi,

i don't know what it is about weekends but I loathe them. I had a hard time last night. A couple of Fiona's favourite songs came on. Besides all the support Fiona gave to othe Cancer sufferers, she involved herself as trustee to a Secondary Cancer group called 'Second Hope'. This group was for those who were diagnosed with Breast Cancer and were told after that the Cancer had spread to other parts of the body and brain.

Fiona was on a wonder drug called Kadcyla, to which she qualified for funding. Anyway, this Kadcyla had worked well on many people as well as Fiona but the Government and NICE decided to take it of the drug tariff because it was too expensive. Fiona and a couple of friends fought fearlessly, they campaigned Government and NICE and contacted the media ie papers, Radio, TV, Social Media and managed to get thousands and thousands of signatures, which she passed to the Government. NICE (the producers of Kadcyla) dropped their price and the Government placed the Kadcyla back on the drug tariff so it will be available for all who need it.

Fiona campaigned so hard while struggling with her own health. Anyway I had recorded 2 interviews Fiona did with Sky News and BBC Oxford. So, I can replay these interviews whenever I want and I can see her again when I want, which gives me comfort for a little while and then I agonise over losing her. I feel ***.

I realise that I go through each day to get to the next day and basically just killing time until it is my time to leave this cruel world.

I am so sorry this is a lot heavier than my normal post. I will snap out of it and get back to my jokey side. Iam glad you liked the last poem, it has such lovely words of support and guidance.

Have a day and tomorrow and hope the weekend is kind to you. 

Take care x 

I was just sending an email out when a notification popped up!
 

Hey Mr you're allowed to have off days & im not surprised you feel crap, seeing & hearing her voice again must just pull at your heart bloody hell man that's tough for you. I wish I could hear Kev but know equally I would probably be as sick as anything after. 
 

You must be immensely proud of her for her tireless hard work she did & actually for others I salute her from one women to another. 
 

You are so right about going from one day to get to the next but listen up my friend; I don't know you personally but what I can make out you're a top guy; you work hard & nap hard!! & I am sure your friends would be saddened to hear you say you're just 'killing time' so matey, make your lovely Fiona proud of you, get your fight back into your belly today & do 1 thing positive big or small it doesn't matter even if clean out the cutlery drawer!! 
I've done 1 positive thing today as I felt lost & low this morning as I dreamt about Kev last night mine was rubbish, tidied up my shoes, did it make me feel better? Nah not really but for that brief hour it made me think of something else & it has given me a clean cupboard so felt good I had done that. 
If you're feeling rubbish later say on here & I'll be popping back in :happy: Bet you can't wait to hear from me hey :happy:

I'm gonna check on you whether you like it or not :happy:

Ta Dah for now

Said I'd check in god it's a late night for me 

how you doing? 
Did my day pan out ok! No not really but I got through it & I hope you feel like me. 
the Vicar who conducted Kevin's funeral rang today to see how we were ~ that was lovely of her but actually 'it's **** but how can you tell a vicar that

I'm off to bed it's late for me please leave a message tomorrow even if it's a thumbs up to me you're ok yeah?
good night my friend xx

Hi,

I am ok, thanks fo your concern. I wouldn't do anything to myself.  Just had a low spell and needed time to process everything.

I am going out for a push now, to get some fresh air, I will message you later x

Hi Babyem,

I am back. Weekend was pretty rubbish. Friday & Saturday was really low and Sunday I had a tummy bug.

And that is when it hits you. Whenever I was unwell, Fiona was there to escort me to bed, get my food and medicine and generally make a fuss of me but on Sunday, it was just me. Anyway, I am better today and kept busy. 

How has your weekend been? and what about today? 

In answer to your question from your previous post, yes, I am so very proud of Fiona and all that she had accomplished. She was special. 

Bacause of the nice weather, I have decided to drive to Southend tomorrow and push along the Promenade. 

I assume that as you go to Lakeside and must live in that general area, you have probably visited Southend many times too.

How did your vicar expect you to answer? I suppose it is nice in some way that he was concerned about you.

I am not sure of your comment about how hard I work but I do nap hard. 

Thank you for kind words and for your concern.

Well, it's 9:54 and I am yawning away so, I hope you sleep well and have a day tomorrow. x 

Hi Racey

How you doing? How was Southend? 
 

My weekend was rubbish like you I hate them, I hate being on my own, hate it with a passion. I don't want to bother friends as they want to be with their families at weekends so without a shadow of a doubt I do struggle. 
Im finding that the slightest thing sets me off I hold it all together at School & as soon as I step outside & get in my car the tears flow, just don't know if it's because im holding it together all day whatever it is it's crap!

When you mentioned that you was feeling under the weather that's one of my fears, if im I'll & because im on my own who'd look after me now :sad:

It's my turn Racey to be on a downer it's so rubbish & I constantly feel sad which pulls me down  

Anyway hope you're ok

Keep going Racey 

Hi Babyem,

We seem to be sharing the same feelings and experiences when the weekend comes round. My Counsellor has advised me to try and stay busy over the weekend ie do my shopping, go out for a walk (or a push in my case) to get some fresh air or go for a drive. It sounds easy but isn't.

I am sorry to hear that your weekend was crap also. 

Had a good day in Southend but it was weird being there without my Fiona. I spent time pushing along the Promenade and sitting at the end of the pier.

I am been thinking, (dangerous I know) but perhaps if you are ok with this, if one of us is having a particularly hard time, especially over the weekend, we go on this site to tell each other and we try to chat about things that may help us to feel better ie favourite holidays we havebeen on, or politics (preferrably not) or films & tv, or even sport, just to get the other person out of that current slump. What do you think? Or, if it not to painful, you can talk about Kevin and I will talk about Fiona.

I met my second cousin, Sheila, tonight with her husband, along with my sister and her partner and had a nice meal. Half way through the evening, Sheila said to me 'you are doing really well' How do I answer that one? Sheila can't see the pain I am feeling but I didn't want to sound like a misery guts, so I nodded. errgghh.  

How is your work going? any thoughts of when you will return to school? Are you planning to meet up with your boys soon?

I think I have gone on too much, so I will sign off and will chat soon.

 Keep on going.