Dear Racey1

I lost my husband 2 weeks ago & struggling too & have never felt sadness, loneliness, scared, confusion like it. 
I just thought to myself I can't wait to go to bed so I've done another day

I want him back, I want to chat to him & tell him all that's been happening & the 100's of tributes I have received. I want to hold his hand again. 
Racey I can't give you any advice but I think be kind to yourself. I like you think it's going to take time but I am sure like my Kev they will be proud of us by just keeping 
One foot in front of the other. 
I hurt beyond words & still have his funeral on Thursday how on earth am I going to get through the day. 
I feel completely broken just like you mate 

Hug from someone who knows how you're feeling x

Hi Babyem,

Thank you for your prompt reply. I am so sorry for your loss, There is me moaning about my situation while you are dealing with your recent loss. The funeral can be daunting but as long as you have family and friends surrounding you, you will get through it. We were only allowed 30 at Fiona's Cremation but we could have filled it 10 times over. I keep lots of sayings and poems regarding loss and on of the signs state that there are '3 stages of grief, 1st stage, middle stage and the rest of your life' whioch seems to be about right. after 9 months, my sleep pattern is all over the place but like you, as sson as I get to bed and to sleep, I can forget the extreme pain I am feeling. 

Thank you again for your lovely words and showing me that I am not alone x

I was going to contact you but remembered that it was your husbands funeral last Thursday, so I thought I would give you some time before I ask how the day went.

It is very traumatic time for you and hard to get your head around. I hope you have good family and friends around you to support you as it is important to lean on these people to  help you cope with the immediate future. 

As you told me in one of your previous posts 'be kind to yourself' and I ask you to follow your own advice. It will take time and there is no limit to how much or how long or how you grieve.

As my Counsellor said ' the depth of love you have for Kevin, is the same level of grief you are dealing with'. Do what make you feel good, listen to music, meet up with friends for coffee and spoil yourself with a Take Away. Unforunately, I do know what you are going through and it stinks. You will be told many cliche's, yes, from me also, but please, take each day as it comes.

I am doing ok thanks. I had a session with my Counsellor yesterday and although it has been 9 months since I lost Fiona, I blubbed my way through the session.

It will be really good that one day, when we are feeling a bit more positive, we can have a conversation on this discussion group, about holidays, hobbies, films, people'e poor dress sense etc. Until then, I am here to chat or need to vent your anger.

Take care   

Hi Racey

Thanks for your words, crikey how hard is all this, it's just awful isn't. 
I went up to his grave again today it just broke my heart I'm even struggling with that now. 
I was asked whether or not I will be going back to work in a week (work in a School)  I'm so confused with this too. One minute I think I'm ready the next I'm bursting into tears. 

How you doing today? Don't know if have heard of this but I was given this book & it's been so helpful 

"It's Ok that you're not Ok" by Megan Devine worth a read if you can get your hands on a copy 

Anyway Mr go careful, say a prayer for us both & we will touch base tomorrow 

Hi,

I will look out for the book or order it through Amazon, thank you.

I think it may be a little too early to return to work, but wait to see how you feel in a weeks time.

I saw my Counsellor last Monday and she told me not to give too much advice on Bereavement sites as it is still raw for me and I am struggling and depressed and not thinking as straight as I would normally do.   Anyway I will continue to chat with you, if it is ok with you? as I think I feel writing these feelings down does help.

My belief in God finished 9 months ago but I hope we both begin to learn to cope better, in the near future.

I hope you sleep well. 

Hi, had a good few days?
I have noticed that my grief comes in waves, one minute I'm feeling stronger & get some jobs done & the next I feel like I've been run over by a bus! So many tears I can't believe that I have so many left in me.

The thought of not having Kev here for days, weeks & years is overwhelming & is eating me away  

The Head has called me in for a meeting on Monday for a chat I'm guessing to see if I'm going back ~ that decision is making me feel stressed & anxious got a lot of thinking to do.

If you find it too much coming on here just type 1 line saying "all too much will be back" that way I will know & won't worry about you ~ deal?

someone said to me today; "yay it's Friday " honestly I felt so sad; what difference does it make hey.

It's my children's b/day tomorrow twins of 25! We have a trip into London booked for ages & im trying to tell myself it will be ok ~ don't feel very confident about venturing out into the big wide world just yet ~ silly I know  

Remember to be kind to yourself & we will slowly but surely get there hey 

Hello Babyem

So very sorry for the loss of your husband.  Life is so cruel sometimes.  Keep being kind to yourself and reaching out.  Take care x

Hi,

I find it helps me, when I communicate to someone who uindestands what I am going through, so if it is ok with you, I will continue.

 As you say, the thought of living the rest of our life without our loved one is daunting and frightening, I try not to think about it otherwise, I will break down yet again. 

What do you do at School? can you do just a few hours a day for a while to get back into the swing of things? 

I was asked to go to a 'drop in cafe' at our local Hospice for yesterday. It was run by a lady called Ann who was in charge of the Listeners (Counsellors). There were two other people besides me. I didn't realise I was going to have to tell my story and relive the whole nightmare again. Wow, that was hard.

The trouble is, the two other people lost a son and the other lost a husband, noither of them to Cancer but, I woman almost tried to dominate the whole thing. She was aangry but not the same angry we have experienced, her anger was directed at her Ex husband for not staying in touch with the son. I am not sure I will go back to this 'dropp in cafe' but will keep seeing my Cousellor.

Where are you going in London? Although I don't live in London, I was born in North London.

I hope you have a good day (I am sure you will) and meeting up with your twins will take your mind off things for a while.

I am off to make something to eat. Take care of yourself

Hi 

Well the afternoon/evening was ok'ish in London, I did my best but oh my Racey I felt very uneasy, frumpy & old!!, lost even though I was with my kids I so missed Kevin not being with me/us. It's the first time I had been out for a year so I was also very anxious to start with. At one point I sat there watching my 3 chatting & laughing & around me everyone else was doing the same & I thought life does go on even tho I'm feeling completely overwhelmed with sadness because the one person that made me laugh & chatted to me isn't here anymore & won't ever be I just can't seem to get it in my brain. 
We all met in Liverpool Street & went to various bars around there. 

School, I'm the Schools Office Manager, I keep asking myself if I don't go back at the start of the new term will the I ever go back. I don't even know what to say to her. 

Well done you for going to the 'drop in cafe' & to stay & to sit & tell them about you & Fiona. Oh heck I don't think I could have got my words out. 
Glad you're staying on here tho 

I feel exhausted by all this don't you? I feel like I'm doing my best to function & survive with what's happened to me. I use to be a productive person now I can barely get one thing accomplished in the hours I'm awake ~ it's a very odd feeling. 
Let's hope next week brings us just a few more centimetres in getting there (where ever there is!)

Going to put something in for tea ~ even this is a chore ~ catch up tomorrow will let you know how my meeting goes 

x

Racey

Today has been particularly tough ~ everywhere I looked there was a memory, the radio a song would come on which reminded me of Kevin, the telly etc etc it got to a point I thought I would sit in silence but the silence drives me mad. 
There has been a few times today I felt like I was suffocating & sobbed 

You finding that you have days like this?

Hi,

Firstly, well done for making the journey into London to meet with your kids. I am sure that they were really pleased that you made it, also, you have managed that first step out into London on your own, for which you should be proud of yourself. Hopefully, the next meet will be slightly easier.

With regards to your meeting at School tomorrow, can you ask if you can work a few hours a day until you feel strong enough to return to work permanently? Sometimes, it is nice to get of the home and go into work to feel useful and have a little company.

I retired a couple of years before my actual retirment date to look after Fiona and make sure we make the most of what we have. I decided to return to the job I was doing previously, working for a charity one day a week as a volunteer. It is good to be back and I feel useful and, as I am a volunteer, the staff keep me plied with mugs of tea throughout the day. 

I am not sure whether I mentioned it but like you, I am a little apprehensive for something I have booked to do next month. I am driving up to my Fiona's beloved Newcastle for 3 days. To see ffriends and to scatter some of Fiona's ashes over the Tyne. I then continue my journey to the Scottish Borders to see Fiona's Aunt and Cousin and onto to Edinburgh for hte night. I then will drive to Glasgow for 3 days to see friends and to visit a couple of resorts Fiona loved and then continue to Stranraer to have a go at Wheeelchair Curling (on ice) over 3 days. I am not sure how it will go as, I don't do cold. I love the sun. then I drive home and breaking the journey to stay in Blackpool, where I am meeting good friends who are driving to Blackpool from Winsford, Cheshire to meet up and they are staying in the same hotel. I am also hoping to see the lights of Blackpool and then home the next day. Back to an empty, lonely home but back in my bed. I thinl I mentioned previously, I am a full time wheelchair user and I am independent (to a fault) and mobile otherwise I would have booked this trip. In fact, I met Fiona due to me being in a wheelchair. Fiona was a local journalist and I played Wheelchair Basketball for a league team and for Great Britain. Fiona was told to interview me for the local paper and it started not long after.

I really do know wht you mean when you say that everywhere you look you see a memory, or a piece of clothing or a song that reminds you Kevin. It is like we shouldn't start to feel a little better, we must grieve all the time. 

Anyway, I am going to stop now as I think I have the equivelent to writers cramp. Typers cramp?

Take care 

Hi Racey how you doing?
been a tough couple of days just overwhelmed with sadness & missing my Kevin it's absolutely rubbish & without a shadow of a doubt I'm struggling 

I'll come back tomorrow when I catch my breath 

Thanks Racey for just being here x

Hi Racey how you doing?
been a tough couple of days just overwhelmed with sadness & missing my Kevin it's absolutely rubbish & without a shadow of a doubt I'm struggling 

I'll come back tomorrow when I catch my breath 

Thanks Racey for just being here x

Hi Babyem,

I am doing ok thanks. I think that saying I am ok, is probably is the closest I can describe how I am feeling. I am sorry you have had a couple of bad days and missing Kevin so much. I do know your pain.

You need to, not only look after yourself but treat yourself to something, to make you feel a little better, a present or clothing or a pampering session of some sort. I would love to say that it will get better in time, but unfortunately, it won't. You will, however, manage to cope better in time.

I read your recomendation of the book 'It's Ok not to be OK' and it is good as you say and, offers a lot of good advice.  I would ask you to try some of the advice given ie Breathing or Meditation exercises, essential oils. Try to plan to meet with friends or family for coffee or a chat, or both. Give yourself something to look forward too.

You have been there for me also.

And please, I understand if you don't reply straight away or the next day, reply when you feel well enough.

I have picked up sayings and poems from various people, which tries to explain things and saw the following words about grief, which read: 'There are 3 stages of grief, the beginning, the middle and the rest of your life'.

Also, from someone else, 'Grief, I ve learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place top go'. 

We will get through this.

Hello Racey1

I have just read your last post.

It will be 5 years on the 10th September I lost my husband, my soulmate David.

Your last two paragraphs were just so moving and just say it all, thats excactly how it is.

Also as you say your never get over it you just find ways of coping the best you can  As the book say's and is so true on the days you can't cope it really is "Okay not to be Okay".  I miss my husband more with each passing day and sometimes it still just feels so surreal.  

I try to live each day the best I can and I know how lucky priviledged and blessed I am to have shared my life with my darling David,  I often think and say "All of our yesterdays make all of the tomorrows".

He is with me wherever I go whatever I do,  He will always be with me, my world, my life nothing can ever take that away.

Take care keep looking after yourself x

Hi 

It's just been a horrible week & I feel that for months & months I have kept a lid on everything, caring for Kevin; looking after the home, numerous hospital visits to & from London & I drove which believe me is an ordeal driving in London!! The still working in School; the house looking like a medical /office place & so it went on & now this lid is starting to lift off on top of the sorrow that is eating me away of not having him with me anymore. 
Just like Leigh60 said your last two paragraphs oh my goodness Racey - so out come tissues again  it's true what she also said they are with us always we just can't touch,smell,hear or see them 

I feel grief is exhausting too so feel worn out & tired but do t want to rest as then I'm sitting here by myself

Anyway guys huge hug for you & Leigh xxx

My Kev is with me always too xxx

Hello Babyem

I have so much emphathy for you and im so sorry for the loss of your Kevin and all you have both been through.  Cancer its a horid wicked disease.  I have so much feeling for what you say about the lid lifting it off.  Im so sorry for the journey you are now on.  Its so early for you and I don't know what to say nothing can take away the pain of losing your loved one.  

You will find ways through and as you said about the book on the days that are just to hard its Okay not to be Okay.  Its a lonely journey but I find talking really helps and found Cruse a great support along with our local hospice where my husband spent his last 3 weeks.  Keeping busy helps but I do understand again somedays you just can't but dread sitting alone.  I go with those dreaded days and try to let it out it took me sometime to be able to do that but then tell myself my husband would want me to think of me and live so I try again and gradually you do more things.  But it is so hard.

I hope you have family and friends that can help support you too.

Look after yourself take care virtual hugs xx

Hi Leigh60,

It would appear that thatever the time difference, whether days, weeks, months or years, of when we lose our loved ones, it never really gets better for us. I read the book, 'It's ok no to be ok' and it has some useful guidance and support. The problem is, as you well probably know, each day is different in the way I feel. Some days I feel strong and feel 'yes I am going to get through this', but the next day, I would prefer to stay in bed all day to avoid talking to people and putting on a mask.

I would like to believe that Fiona is with me, but I don't know, it would be nice to have a sign. 

Like you, I am/was so lucky to have had Fiona in my life and so thankful she chose me to marry to share her life with. 

I hope David has met Fiona while up there as I bet they would get on well, in fact, Fi got on with everybody, didn't judge people.

I am driving up to Fiona's beloved Newcastle upon Tyne at the end of September, to meet with friends but also scatter some of Fiona's ashes over the Tyne, which we be quite emotional.

Anyway, you look after yourself and have a good week and anytime you want to chat, I am here. It helps me also. x

Hi Babyem,

It is strange that grief is so tiring and draining, on top of the stress and emotions. Haven't we got enough to deal with?  I know what you mean about the house, I have so much paperwork that Fiona had accumulated over the many years for her work and need to clear her desk sometime, but I have no motivation or energy.  I have a pile of ironing to do and so I close my eyes when I pass my wrinkle shirts and trousers hanging up.

I hope the coming week proves to be better for you and Leigh60, 

Take care x

Hi Racey1 & Leigh60

So today I woke up & thought let's try & get some things done today! Put the radio on ~ why do they have to play a record that we loved, first tears of the day. Go in the garden a pot that he brought had fallen over & smashed why? It had been there for ages, he hated it anyway & quite frankly it was only a couple of £'S second lot of tears. Bet he smashed the ruddy thing. 
Thought I would walk up to his grave & take some fresh flowers & to tell him about the pot! listened to some music on the way, got to his grave all upset again just too emotional, crying again. Got some water to water the flowers fell over with the watering cans that then tipped over me , hurt my ankle, crying buckets now & looking like I've got caught in a rain storm as I'm soaked. Hobbled home & sat here cursing him because everything was his fault ~ today was 'just about had it' 

Yesterday it suddenly dawned on me that this was definite & somehow I need to go forward & honestly I just don't know how too & I know it will take time but the sorrow that we all carry inside us who have lost someone is excruciating & today my pain has been unbearable & like you Racey some days I find the fight in my belly & be strong & other days, well I've lost my fight. 
I do think tho guys to go thru all this pain we are actually incredibly strong & they would be proud of us I know Kev would be & I could here him giggling at me today too!

I love reading what we say to each other, it helps me too Racey :happy:

I hope both have had a good day xx 

I replied to both of you, you & Racey

Thank you Leigh60 xx

Hi Babyem,

Oh, I am so sorry to hear of your awful day.  It is as if the whole Universe has got together to make your day even more shittier (sorry) than it is normally. It is so unfair.

You will find that this awful day doesn't repeat itself that often. It has been a tearful day for me but nothing to top yours, you win the most crappiest day ever, award.

I think my Fiona is somewhere around me, as my Central Heating has turned itself on twice in the last couple of days.

I live in the most uniteresting place in England, Aylesbury in Buckinghamshire and the only busy roads we have are the ones going out of the area. Today was some shopping in Aldi's and tomorrow it is a visit to Milton Keyne's Costco, which should be fun, along with busy, fraught and full of idiots who can't push a trolley in a straight line. 

We had a Cremation for Fiona as I think, that is what she wanted. As Fiona died relatively quickly, we never got to talk about what happens when she passes. The service was good although I found myself staring at the floor as I knew I would fall apart if I looked at her coffin. I suppose it would be nice to be able to place some flowers of where she lies but, I can't.

I am not weird but found some sayings and poems helpful and saved them. I have another poem from my list called 'Some Days'

They tell me life's a journey                                                                                                                      That will take me many years                                                                                                                    Some days are filled with laughter                                                                                                           And some days are filled with tears

Some days I think my heart will break                                                                                                      That I can't persevere                                                                                                                               Some days I have to don a mask                                                                                                            And hide beneath it's veneer                                                                                                                   

Some days I turn and look for you                                                                                                            With thoughts I'd like to share                                                                                                                  Some days I just can't understand                                                                                                        The reason you're not there

Some days the sadness leaves me                                                                                                    And my smile will reappear                                                                                                                Some days I close my eyes because                                                                                                  Your memory is so clear

Some days I struggle to go on                                                                                                            Just wishing you were near                                                                                                                Most days I spend in gratiutude                                                                                                          That you were ever here    

And another:

I konw you're are sad, so I wont tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day. Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes and don't give up on yourself just yet. It'll get better. Until then, have a day.

I am not sure if this helps or you don't bother to read. We are here to look after each other.

x