Hello Racey1

Im so very sorry for the loss of your lovely wife Fiona.  Your post broke my heart but also moved me with your love for her and so many people who expressed how much she meant to so many.  She will always live on through you and by the many people who miss her too.

I lost my soul mate, my husband in September 2016 at the age of just 60 from Junctional Esophagus Cancer.  What he endured is engrained in my memory and I do think about it.  It's so difficult beyond words, I try to replace those memories with all our treasured happy times but the lonliness is consuming at times.  I have happy times with our family and grandchildren something I promised my husband I would do.  I have friends you have always been there for me so I know I am so lucky but its always there underneath.  I do hope you have family and friends who are there for you and I think the Listener (Counsellor) is good to have.  I attended one to one sessions with Cruse they did give me extra and I did find it helpful.  Talking is good I believe it helps.

Its still so early for you and I don't really know what to say as its such a wicked cruel disease.  All we can do is take one day at a time keep talking and know how much she would want you to live but its soul destroying I know.  Please look after yourself I hope others come along to other words that may help and let you know your never alone.  Thinking of you take care x

Hi Leigh60,

Thank you for your kind words and I am sorry for your loss also. I know, for me, that it is early days but I expected not to be so emotional after 9 months. So many other factors, Fiona died so quickly and I did get a chance to say everything I wanted to say, although I held her hand 90% of the time and told Fiona that I love her so many times. I didn't know what her wishes were, where details and paperwork were and to make things worse, we were in the middle of a Covid19 lockdown, so I remained indoors for quite sometime, reliving everything.

Thank you for your reply, it calmed me and showed me I am not alone. My brother and sister have been supportive but when they leave to go home, I am on my own again in a quiet, lonely home.  

Fiona and I had been married for 27 years and I am quite a bit older than Fiona and though I would go first. Fiona was a very mature 52 year old, when she passed away and I was a very childish 68 year old (69 now), so we balanced out well. I am a joker, I find fun in everything and quick witted but feel I have a constant frown on my face and I don't like it. Sorry for the ramble. did you and your husband comliment each other?

Hi Leigh60,

I did reply to your post of 7 August but recived no reply. I hope my reply didn't upset you in anyway.

Hello Racey1

So sorry not to have come back to you and please in no way did you upset me.  I come on here from time to time when I feel I can.  I hope that isn't selfish and am sorry for making you feel unsure about your reply.

So glad you have the support of your brother and sister but feel empathy at how lonely it is when visitors leave to go home.  Covid has made it all so much harder for you and others having to go through so much and find ways of coping with everything.  I can't comprehend that on top of everything.

My husband was such a kind caring man and would do anything for anyone he always put his family and others before himself.  He was a very selfless man.  He was also very quick witted and brought laughter and joy into every day.  His sense of humour is something I miss so much I am much more serious.  He was a real gentleman and highly thought of by so many.  He could talk to and get along with anyone no matter what walk of life they came from.  I always knew everything would be alright with him by myside but like Babyem has said in her post to you the sadness lonliness confusion and being scared and alone is how I feel even now.  Somehow you find a way be it crying all day and just letting it all out or thinking of happier times or picking up the phone or walking the dog what ever it is somehow you find slowly ways of getting through the days and nights.  My husband said to me don't let it make you bitter and I try really hard not to be.  When he was diagnosed I remember saying to him why you why now and he replied why anyone.  I was shaking and crumbling with shock but he was the one with his arms around me comforting me.  

As you say be kind to yourself and I agree there is no time or limit to how long or how you grieve.  For me it will never go away there will always be days when the grief is so intense but also somehow you find ways to go with those days and ways to cope with the other days.

Im babbling on please keep looking after yourself and reaching out when you need to there are so many of us on here sadly.  So many lovely people who make you feel your not alone and help you cope.

Take care big hugs x

Hi,

Thanks for replying.

Fiona and I were similar to you and your husband (not sure if you have mentioned his name or not). Fiona was quite serious but enjoyed a laugh, which I obliged. I was 15 months old when I caught Polio, which affected my legs. I wore Calipers and used crutches but at the age of approx 22, I had to use a wheelchair. Anyway, life was fun. I could find laughter in anything. I have been all over the world playing sport and this is where I met Fiona. Fiona worked for the local paper and she was asked to interview me, as a local celebrity, for the paper (poor girl), Anyway, to cut a very long story short, we were married in Key Largo and were inseparable. Like your husband, Fiona was so popular and kind. She helped many people who took up journalism and newsreading and after being diagnosed with Breast Cancer and then Secondary Breast Cancer, she would part of a couple of support groups, given other  Cancer patients advice and guidance and would even get on a train to meet people. When Fi passed away, I put a message on Facebook and over 230 replied within the next few days, offering their condolences.

It's been a little over 9 months since my Fiona passed and I haven't improved and the grief seems to be worse. I do try to get out quite aq bit but, I have to come back again. I see a Listener (Counsellor) from the Hopsice every 3 weeks, which helps, I think.   

I seem to have lost my sense of humour and not having fun. This is not me.

Life pretty well stinks. I can't go through a day for when an article of her clothing appers, or a favourite song of hers plays, or, a photo of a memory. My brother lives about 25 miles away and my sister lives in London,35 odd miles away. They have been in contact regularly.

Anyway, I must go and make something to eat. Please take care and I understand if you don't reply for a while.

Hugs back x

Hi,

Thanks for replying.

Fiona and I were similar to you and your husband (not sure if you have mentioned his name or not). Fiona was quite serious but enjoyed a laugh, which I obliged. I was 15 months old when I caught Polio, which affected my legs. I wore Calipers and used crutches but at the age of approx 22, I had to use a wheelchair. Anyway, life was fun. I could find laughter in anything. I have been all over the world playing sport and this is where I met Fiona. Fiona worked for the local paper and she was asked to interview me, as a local celebrity, for the paper (poor girl), Anyway, to cut a very long story short, we were married in Key Largo and were inseparable. Like your husband, Fiona was so popular and kind. She helped many people who took up journalism and newsreading and after being diagnosed with Breast Cancer and then Secondary Breast Cancer, she would part of a couple of support groups, given other  Cancer patients advice and guidance and would even get on a train to meet people. When Fi passed away, I put a message on Facebook and over 230 replied within the next few days, offering their condolences.

It's been a little over 9 months since my Fiona passed and I haven't improved and the grief seems to be worse. I do try to get out quite aq bit but, I have to come back again. I see a Listener (Counsellor) from the Hopsice every 3 weeks, which helps, I think.   

I seem to have lost my sense of humour and not having fun. This is not me.

Life pretty well stinks. I can't go through a day for when an article of her clothing appers, or a favourite song of hers plays, or, a photo of a memory. My brother lives about 25 miles away and my sister lives in London,35 odd miles away. They have been in contact regularly.

Anyway, I must go and make something to eat. Please take care and I understand if you don't reply for a while.

Hugs back x