Hi 

Well the afternoon/evening was ok'ish in London, I did my best but oh my Racey I felt very uneasy, frumpy & old!!, lost even though I was with my kids I so missed Kevin not being with me/us. It's the first time I had been out for a year so I was also very anxious to start with. At one point I sat there watching my 3 chatting & laughing & around me everyone else was doing the same & I thought life does go on even tho I'm feeling completely overwhelmed with sadness because the one person that made me laugh & chatted to me isn't here anymore & won't ever be I just can't seem to get it in my brain. 
We all met in Liverpool Street & went to various bars around there. 

School, I'm the Schools Office Manager, I keep asking myself if I don't go back at the start of the new term will the I ever go back. I don't even know what to say to her. 

Well done you for going to the 'drop in cafe' & to stay & to sit & tell them about you & Fiona. Oh heck I don't think I could have got my words out. 
Glad you're staying on here tho 

I feel exhausted by all this don't you? I feel like I'm doing my best to function & survive with what's happened to me. I use to be a productive person now I can barely get one thing accomplished in the hours I'm awake ~ it's a very odd feeling. 
Let's hope next week brings us just a few more centimetres in getting there (where ever there is!)

Going to put something in for tea ~ even this is a chore ~ catch up tomorrow will let you know how my meeting goes 

x

Racey

Today has been particularly tough ~ everywhere I looked there was a memory, the radio a song would come on which reminded me of Kevin, the telly etc etc it got to a point I thought I would sit in silence but the silence drives me mad. 
There has been a few times today I felt like I was suffocating & sobbed 

You finding that you have days like this?

Hi,

Firstly, well done for making the journey into London to meet with your kids. I am sure that they were really pleased that you made it, also, you have managed that first step out into London on your own, for which you should be proud of yourself. Hopefully, the next meet will be slightly easier.

With regards to your meeting at School tomorrow, can you ask if you can work a few hours a day until you feel strong enough to return to work permanently? Sometimes, it is nice to get of the home and go into work to feel useful and have a little company.

I retired a couple of years before my actual retirment date to look after Fiona and make sure we make the most of what we have. I decided to return to the job I was doing previously, working for a charity one day a week as a volunteer. It is good to be back and I feel useful and, as I am a volunteer, the staff keep me plied with mugs of tea throughout the day. 

I am not sure whether I mentioned it but like you, I am a little apprehensive for something I have booked to do next month. I am driving up to my Fiona's beloved Newcastle for 3 days. To see ffriends and to scatter some of Fiona's ashes over the Tyne. I then continue my journey to the Scottish Borders to see Fiona's Aunt and Cousin and onto to Edinburgh for hte night. I then will drive to Glasgow for 3 days to see friends and to visit a couple of resorts Fiona loved and then continue to Stranraer to have a go at Wheeelchair Curling (on ice) over 3 days. I am not sure how it will go as, I don't do cold. I love the sun. then I drive home and breaking the journey to stay in Blackpool, where I am meeting good friends who are driving to Blackpool from Winsford, Cheshire to meet up and they are staying in the same hotel. I am also hoping to see the lights of Blackpool and then home the next day. Back to an empty, lonely home but back in my bed. I thinl I mentioned previously, I am a full time wheelchair user and I am independent (to a fault) and mobile otherwise I would have booked this trip. In fact, I met Fiona due to me being in a wheelchair. Fiona was a local journalist and I played Wheelchair Basketball for a league team and for Great Britain. Fiona was told to interview me for the local paper and it started not long after.

I really do know wht you mean when you say that everywhere you look you see a memory, or a piece of clothing or a song that reminds you Kevin. It is like we shouldn't start to feel a little better, we must grieve all the time. 

Anyway, I am going to stop now as I think I have the equivelent to writers cramp. Typers cramp?

Take care 

Hi Racey how you doing?
been a tough couple of days just overwhelmed with sadness & missing my Kevin it's absolutely rubbish & without a shadow of a doubt I'm struggling 

I'll come back tomorrow when I catch my breath 

Thanks Racey for just being here x

Hi Babyem,

I am doing ok thanks. I think that saying I am ok, is probably is the closest I can describe how I am feeling. I am sorry you have had a couple of bad days and missing Kevin so much. I do know your pain.

You need to, not only look after yourself but treat yourself to something, to make you feel a little better, a present or clothing or a pampering session of some sort. I would love to say that it will get better in time, but unfortunately, it won't. You will, however, manage to cope better in time.

I read your recomendation of the book 'It's Ok not to be OK' and it is good as you say and, offers a lot of good advice.  I would ask you to try some of the advice given ie Breathing or Meditation exercises, essential oils. Try to plan to meet with friends or family for coffee or a chat, or both. Give yourself something to look forward too.

You have been there for me also.

And please, I understand if you don't reply straight away or the next day, reply when you feel well enough.

I have picked up sayings and poems from various people, which tries to explain things and saw the following words about grief, which read: 'There are 3 stages of grief, the beginning, the middle and the rest of your life'.

Also, from someone else, 'Grief, I ve learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place top go'. 

We will get through this.

Hello Racey1

I have just read your last post.

It will be 5 years on the 10th September I lost my husband, my soulmate David.

Your last two paragraphs were just so moving and just say it all, thats excactly how it is.

Also as you say your never get over it you just find ways of coping the best you can  As the book say's and is so true on the days you can't cope it really is "Okay not to be Okay".  I miss my husband more with each passing day and sometimes it still just feels so surreal.  

I try to live each day the best I can and I know how lucky priviledged and blessed I am to have shared my life with my darling David,  I often think and say "All of our yesterdays make all of the tomorrows".

He is with me wherever I go whatever I do,  He will always be with me, my world, my life nothing can ever take that away.

Take care keep looking after yourself x

Hi 

It's just been a horrible week & I feel that for months & months I have kept a lid on everything, caring for Kevin; looking after the home, numerous hospital visits to & from London & I drove which believe me is an ordeal driving in London!! The still working in School; the house looking like a medical /office place & so it went on & now this lid is starting to lift off on top of the sorrow that is eating me away of not having him with me anymore. 
Just like Leigh60 said your last two paragraphs oh my goodness Racey - so out come tissues again  it's true what she also said they are with us always we just can't touch,smell,hear or see them 

I feel grief is exhausting too so feel worn out & tired but do t want to rest as then I'm sitting here by myself

Anyway guys huge hug for you & Leigh xxx

My Kev is with me always too xxx

Hello Babyem

I have so much emphathy for you and im so sorry for the loss of your Kevin and all you have both been through.  Cancer its a horid wicked disease.  I have so much feeling for what you say about the lid lifting it off.  Im so sorry for the journey you are now on.  Its so early for you and I don't know what to say nothing can take away the pain of losing your loved one.  

You will find ways through and as you said about the book on the days that are just to hard its Okay not to be Okay.  Its a lonely journey but I find talking really helps and found Cruse a great support along with our local hospice where my husband spent his last 3 weeks.  Keeping busy helps but I do understand again somedays you just can't but dread sitting alone.  I go with those dreaded days and try to let it out it took me sometime to be able to do that but then tell myself my husband would want me to think of me and live so I try again and gradually you do more things.  But it is so hard.

I hope you have family and friends that can help support you too.

Look after yourself take care virtual hugs xx