Dear Racey1

I lost my husband 2 weeks ago & struggling too & have never felt sadness, loneliness, scared, confusion like it. 
I just thought to myself I can't wait to go to bed so I've done another day

I want him back, I want to chat to him & tell him all that's been happening & the 100's of tributes I have received. I want to hold his hand again. 
Racey I can't give you any advice but I think be kind to yourself. I like you think it's going to take time but I am sure like my Kev they will be proud of us by just keeping 
One foot in front of the other. 
I hurt beyond words & still have his funeral on Thursday how on earth am I going to get through the day. 
I feel completely broken just like you mate 

Hug from someone who knows how you're feeling x

Hi Babyem,

Thank you for your prompt reply. I am so sorry for your loss, There is me moaning about my situation while you are dealing with your recent loss. The funeral can be daunting but as long as you have family and friends surrounding you, you will get through it. We were only allowed 30 at Fiona's Cremation but we could have filled it 10 times over. I keep lots of sayings and poems regarding loss and on of the signs state that there are '3 stages of grief, 1st stage, middle stage and the rest of your life' whioch seems to be about right. after 9 months, my sleep pattern is all over the place but like you, as sson as I get to bed and to sleep, I can forget the extreme pain I am feeling. 

Thank you again for your lovely words and showing me that I am not alone x

Hi Racey1

How you doing today?
I woke up this morning & thought 'ok got the weekend out of the way'

Another day/week! 
Today I went to see my Kevin I was traumatised when I left I just thought he was going to get up & come home with me I was desperate to get home & be safe & like you I have no motivation to step outside my front door  again

Did you see your Fiona? 

Luckily for me I work in a School so we are in the summer holidays but I doubt myself whether I will have the courage or strength to go back. 
 

I hope you had a better day today & am thinking of you 
 

Hi Babyem,

I am a little better today thanks but they will probably change this evening.

I was asked if I wanted to see my Fiona at the Chapel of Rest.

Fiona went into Hospital as the Consultant was believed that Fiona's Brain had swollen due to the Brain Radiotherapy. Anyway, after a couple of weeks, it was decided that Fiona could come be discharged into a home as I am a full time wheelchair user but I said NO, Fiona is coming home with me. Although I am a wheelchair user, I am avery mobile wheelchair user and have competed in 2 Paralympic Games. so, I got Fiona home where the Hospice at home service arranged for a bed to be placed in our front room. I cooked and looked after Fiona doing her meals, medication etc but she was notably getting worse. I held Fiona's hand every minute I could. Fiona stopped eating and taking her pills and went downhill quickly. The day she passed away, I was holding her hand and her head was facing the wall, so I managed to pull the bed out and sat and faced Fiona. After a while, Fiona breathing deteriorated and anoise was coming from her mouth, I was told it is called the 'Death Rattle'. small amounts of blood came from her mouth, which I wiped but the inevitable happened and I saw it all and I could get that last image out of my mind. So, when I was asked if I wanted to see Fiona, I thought yes, it may give me a better last image of her. I went to the Chapel of Rest and cried. I held her hand, which was very cold and started looking around for a blanket to cover her. My brain could accept where Fiona was. I am sorry about this gibberish, as I am crying my eyes out typing this. I am glad I saw my Heart & Soul, however upsetting it was.

I continue as well as I can as I know that Fiona is right behind me telling me not to do anything stupid and to look after myself but when we had spent 30 wonderful years together, inseperable and we had crammed so much, in our life together.

I will take each day as it comes, like you must do and when something happens and your are struggling, ask yourself, what would Kev say to me to do. I try to stay busy, playing some sport and volunteering at a charity I worked for before I retired.

Please take care of yourself and remember we are not alone. Message me anytime you want to chat and if it is ok with you, I will do the same.      

Morning 

Exactly like you I cared for him, fed him, gave him his meds daily & held Kev's hand right until the end & my children were with him too. I wouldn't have changed that for the world & the time we spent together is beyond any words. We have been together for 31 years childhood sweethearts & to imagine my future without him is scaring me   
every day I kissed him all the time, always told him kisses were free today! I'm sure I got on his nerves 

Fiona & Kevin would be proud of us I am sure & let's keep putting that one foot in front of the other ~ you have a day today of courage & just do 1 thing that Fiona would like you to do, even if it's putting the bins out ~ hated that job but today I did it & told him x

Fiona was originally from Newcastle and moved down south to become a journalist. Fiona's mum moved down to the next town to be nearer us both, so, I am sure that Fiona would want me to continue helping her and looking out for her mum. I would have done it anyway. As you say Kevin and Fiona are looking down on us both, wanting us to remain strong (I think I ve failed that test).

I hate taking the bins out also but it has to be done along with the washing, Ironing and other household chores. I will be thinking of you on Thursday and again reiterate, that you must have family and friends around you the whole time, they will support you you throughout this difficult time.

Please look after yourself and if you are feeling down or want to chat, please message me.  I hope you don't mind if I do the same?

You haven't failed you've survived. Someone told me once that the survivors have the toughest side of things I thought 'shut up you don't know what you're talking about' oh boy!

Well I've spent my day crying all day! How can one have so many tears in their body how? & to top it off my shoes came & they look ridiculous ~ a women thing!
 

We will we get through this? It's going to be a long bumpy road & it will take a very long time.

I always want a chat no one understands how we are feeling you get stupid comments like 'at least he isn't in pain' 'he never was he was on a syringe driver' 'he was very young' 'yes 57 is young' & so it goes on

I will check in tomorrow clearly have some sense moving to the south!!!

Lets be kind to ourselves hey I think you have done a remarkable job & still doing so with mum. I've only just started this horrendous journey & truly don't know where it will take me 

You haven't failed you've survived. Someone told me once that the survivors have the toughest side of things I thought 'shut up you don't know what you're talking about' oh boy!

Well I've spent my day crying all day! How can one have so many tears in their body how? & to top it off my shoes came & they look ridiculous ~ a women thing!
 

We will we get through this? It's going to be a long bumpy road & it will take a very long time.

I always want a chat no one understands how we are feeling you get stupid comments like 'at least he isn't in pain' 'he never was he was on a syringe driver' 'he was very young' 'yes 57 is young' & so it goes on

I will check in tomorrow clearly have some sense moving to the south!!!

Lets be kind to ourselves hey I think you have done a remarkable job & still doing so with mum. I've only just started this horrendous journey & truly don't know where it will take me 

It is strange, as you say, that we can shed so many tears and they still keep coming. I have Fiona's photos around the house, which is nice but sometimes it is upsetting when I talk to her. I ahve been told by so many people that the pain won't go away but..... we learn to cope with the pain over time.

I will communicate tomorrow. I hope you manage to sleep.

Hi Racey how you doing?
We had Kevin's funeral on Thursday which was lovely but boy have I gone down hill since then

To be honest I thought I had grieved before he passed away but clearly I hadn't. Yesterday I couldn't even look at his photograph, every time I thought of him I was sick & haven't stopped crying since. 
I feel scared, lost, confused, why isn't he here with me? What am I going to do with out him & so the list goes on. 
Will I ever recover :sad:

I hope you have been ok these last few days 

I was going to contact you but remembered that it was your husbands funeral last Thursday, so I thought I would give you some time before I ask how the day went.

It is very traumatic time for you and hard to get your head around. I hope you have good family and friends around you to support you as it is important to lean on these people to  help you cope with the immediate future. 

As you told me in one of your previous posts 'be kind to yourself' and I ask you to follow your own advice. It will take time and there is no limit to how much or how long or how you grieve.

As my Counsellor said ' the depth of love you have for Kevin, is the same level of grief you are dealing with'. Do what make you feel good, listen to music, meet up with friends for coffee and spoil yourself with a Take Away. Unforunately, I do know what you are going through and it stinks. You will be told many cliche's, yes, from me also, but please, take each day as it comes.

I am doing ok thanks. I had a session with my Counsellor yesterday and although it has been 9 months since I lost Fiona, I blubbed my way through the session.

It will be really good that one day, when we are feeling a bit more positive, we can have a conversation on this discussion group, about holidays, hobbies, films, people'e poor dress sense etc. Until then, I am here to chat or need to vent your anger.

Take care   

Hi Racey

Thanks for your words, crikey how hard is all this, it's just awful isn't. 
I went up to his grave again today it just broke my heart I'm even struggling with that now. 
I was asked whether or not I will be going back to work in a week (work in a School)  I'm so confused with this too. One minute I think I'm ready the next I'm bursting into tears. 

How you doing today? Don't know if have heard of this but I was given this book & it's been so helpful 

"It's Ok that you're not Ok" by Megan Devine worth a read if you can get your hands on a copy 

Anyway Mr go careful, say a prayer for us both & we will touch base tomorrow 

Hi,

I will look out for the book or order it through Amazon, thank you.

I think it may be a little too early to return to work, but wait to see how you feel in a weeks time.

I saw my Counsellor last Monday and she told me not to give too much advice on Bereavement sites as it is still raw for me and I am struggling and depressed and not thinking as straight as I would normally do.   Anyway I will continue to chat with you, if it is ok with you? as I think I feel writing these feelings down does help.

My belief in God finished 9 months ago but I hope we both begin to learn to cope better, in the near future.

I hope you sleep well. 

Hi, had a good few days?
I have noticed that my grief comes in waves, one minute I'm feeling stronger & get some jobs done & the next I feel like I've been run over by a bus! So many tears I can't believe that I have so many left in me.

The thought of not having Kev here for days, weeks & years is overwhelming & is eating me away  

The Head has called me in for a meeting on Monday for a chat I'm guessing to see if I'm going back ~ that decision is making me feel stressed & anxious got a lot of thinking to do.

If you find it too much coming on here just type 1 line saying "all too much will be back" that way I will know & won't worry about you ~ deal?

someone said to me today; "yay it's Friday " honestly I felt so sad; what difference does it make hey.

It's my children's b/day tomorrow twins of 25! We have a trip into London booked for ages & im trying to tell myself it will be ok ~ don't feel very confident about venturing out into the big wide world just yet ~ silly I know  

Remember to be kind to yourself & we will slowly but surely get there hey 

Hello Babyem

So very sorry for the loss of your husband.  Life is so cruel sometimes.  Keep being kind to yourself and reaching out.  Take care x

Hi,

I find it helps me, when I communicate to someone who uindestands what I am going through, so if it is ok with you, I will continue.

 As you say, the thought of living the rest of our life without our loved one is daunting and frightening, I try not to think about it otherwise, I will break down yet again. 

What do you do at School? can you do just a few hours a day for a while to get back into the swing of things? 

I was asked to go to a 'drop in cafe' at our local Hospice for yesterday. It was run by a lady called Ann who was in charge of the Listeners (Counsellors). There were two other people besides me. I didn't realise I was going to have to tell my story and relive the whole nightmare again. Wow, that was hard.

The trouble is, the two other people lost a son and the other lost a husband, noither of them to Cancer but, I woman almost tried to dominate the whole thing. She was aangry but not the same angry we have experienced, her anger was directed at her Ex husband for not staying in touch with the son. I am not sure I will go back to this 'dropp in cafe' but will keep seeing my Cousellor.

Where are you going in London? Although I don't live in London, I was born in North London.

I hope you have a good day (I am sure you will) and meeting up with your twins will take your mind off things for a while.

I am off to make something to eat. Take care of yourself

Hi 

Well the afternoon/evening was ok'ish in London, I did my best but oh my Racey I felt very uneasy, frumpy & old!!, lost even though I was with my kids I so missed Kevin not being with me/us. It's the first time I had been out for a year so I was also very anxious to start with. At one point I sat there watching my 3 chatting & laughing & around me everyone else was doing the same & I thought life does go on even tho I'm feeling completely overwhelmed with sadness because the one person that made me laugh & chatted to me isn't here anymore & won't ever be I just can't seem to get it in my brain. 
We all met in Liverpool Street & went to various bars around there. 

School, I'm the Schools Office Manager, I keep asking myself if I don't go back at the start of the new term will the I ever go back. I don't even know what to say to her. 

Well done you for going to the 'drop in cafe' & to stay & to sit & tell them about you & Fiona. Oh heck I don't think I could have got my words out. 
Glad you're staying on here tho 

I feel exhausted by all this don't you? I feel like I'm doing my best to function & survive with what's happened to me. I use to be a productive person now I can barely get one thing accomplished in the hours I'm awake ~ it's a very odd feeling. 
Let's hope next week brings us just a few more centimetres in getting there (where ever there is!)

Going to put something in for tea ~ even this is a chore ~ catch up tomorrow will let you know how my meeting goes 

x

Racey

Today has been particularly tough ~ everywhere I looked there was a memory, the radio a song would come on which reminded me of Kevin, the telly etc etc it got to a point I thought I would sit in silence but the silence drives me mad. 
There has been a few times today I felt like I was suffocating & sobbed 

You finding that you have days like this?