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Missing my Mum - almost a year on

Q79
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Hi,

My Mum died almost a year ago due to a rare cancer and it still doesn't really feel as if it happened. I knew that she was terminally ill, but got such a shock when she died of a cardiac arrest early one morning. In some ways I was relieved that she wasn't on her own in hospital and that we were there, but I feel as if I wasn't prepared. I never said goodnight to her that night, as I was really tired and feel asleep on my bed. I just can't get over that. I work in a hospital so never gave her a cuddle for weeks as I was so worried I would give her COVID and now I just wonder what it was all for.

LIke many people over the last year, her funeral was tiny and I've only just started connecting with friends and relatives in person over the past few months. I don't videos of my Mum or anything like that and realised the other day that I can no longer recall her voice in my mind. It's really upset me, as she is still one of the most important people in my life. I am moving away to start a new job at the weekend and I know my Mum would've been so proud, but I am dreading being away from where I most remember her. I am currently finishing up a very stressful job in the health service and really feel drained and exhausted. I just feel as if I have been in shock for so long and as the world is opening up a little again, and everyone is excited, I feel empty as nothing feels normal to me now.

I don't know how to get through it at the moment and whether marking the anniversary of her death would be a good thing for me to do. I'm sorry to spill all of this out here, but just needed to share it somewhere with someone.

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    Hi [@Q79]‍ 

    I wanted to respond to your post as so much of it resonates with me. I lost my Mum on 15th May this year. She had lung cancer but died very suddenly of cardiac arrest as a result of rapid fluid build up around her lungs and heart. It was a massive shock and and I'm filled with regret that I didn't see her or tell her goodnight the day before she died. She was a very independent woman and after her diagnosis she refused to let anyone stay with her or make a fuss over her. I went round to her house to check on her 2 days before she died and she was annoyed that I had come round so I decided to only go see her every other day to give her the space she wanted. That was the last time I saw her. I so wish that I'd just insisted that I stay with her. It's hard to get over that. Like you, although we didn't know my Mum had cancer through the pandemic as she was asymptomatic, we were cautious about seeing her and worried she would get COVID, so we kept our distance and I'm now struggling with what that was all for. It pains me that she had such a s**t last year of life not being able to see a lot of her family, being alone a lot etc. It just feels really unfair.

    I don't have any videos of my Mum either and I'm starting to forget what she sounded like only 2 months after her death and that really pains me.

    I recently booked a holiday for May next year, over the anniversary of her death. At the time I thought it would be good to get away but now I'm anxious and riddled with guilt about it. I don't want people to think I don't care and I'm just taking myself away. I'm also scared that I'll be incredibly upset in a strange place and not feel close to her because I'm away from her grave.

    Ultimately though, I agree with what [@JamesHenry91]‍  has written. Your Mum would surely be so proud of you and your new job. I know life is a gift and our Mum's would want to us to be living life to the fullest but it is difficult to navigate without them. Just one day at a time.

    Take care xx

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    Hi [@Q79]‍ 

    I wanted to respond to your post as so much of it resonates with me. I lost my Mum on 15th May this year. She had lung cancer but died very suddenly of cardiac arrest as a result of rapid fluid build up around her lungs and heart. It was a massive shock and and I'm filled with regret that I didn't see her or tell her goodnight the day before she died. She was a very independent woman and after her diagnosis she refused to let anyone stay with her or make a fuss over her. I went round to her house to check on her 2 days before she died and she was annoyed that I had come round so I decided to only go see her every other day to give her the space she wanted. That was the last time I saw her. I so wish that I'd just insisted that I stay with her. It's hard to get over that. Like you, although we didn't know my Mum had cancer through the pandemic as she was asymptomatic, we were cautious about seeing her and worried she would get COVID, so we kept our distance and I'm now struggling with what that was all for. It pains me that she had such a s**t last year of life not being able to see a lot of her family, being alone a lot etc. It just feels really unfair.

    I don't have any videos of my Mum either and I'm starting to forget what she sounded like only 2 months after her death and that really pains me.

    I recently booked a holiday for May next year, over the anniversary of her death. At the time I thought it would be good to get away but now I'm anxious and riddled with guilt about it. I don't want people to think I don't care and I'm just taking myself away. I'm also scared that I'll be incredibly upset in a strange place and not feel close to her because I'm away from her grave.

    Ultimately though, I agree with what [@JamesHenry91]‍  has written. Your Mum would surely be so proud of you and your new job. I know life is a gift and our Mum's would want to us to be living life to the fullest but it is difficult to navigate without them. Just one day at a time.

    Take care xx

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