Dear [@lianne86xx]‍ 

I am very sorry to hear about your father - it is just an awfully sad thing to happen. Pancreatic cancer did the exact same thing to my mum in March, and she died in April. Therefore, I know exactly what you are going through - the initial shock/confusing/overwhelming sadness and the subsequent anger/guilt/remorse/overwhelming sadness etc.

The thing about pancreatic cancer is that is it a death sentence and unless it is caught very early, it almost always kills quickly. The doctors were very cagey with me about my mum's timeframe, and in general they themselves refrain from giving timelines because they either think people won't be able to handle the truth or simply because pancreatic cancer patients differ. But almost always terminal prognosis is either months rather than years or months rather than days - for my mum it was the latter. Nevertheless, I was shocked and deeply traumatised by how quickly she deteriorated after the diagnosis, and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

You are here because you need to find people who can relate to you and this place is a great comfort for people like us. By the way, I had bereavement counselling shortly after my mum died and found it to be very useful. Anytime you need to talk, we are here for you.

xxx

My Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer in November last year, we lost him (aged 57) in may. I am 1 of 8 children, the youngest is just 15. 

As a family we are completely broken, but most would say I havent grieved, havent even let a tear fall yet. I think its guilt that is halting the grief process, guilt that i am so much like my dad that i knew he wouldnt want us fussing over him so I kept my distance. I continued as normal, seeing him as often as I always did. 

I have 4 children and I work full time, I continued to do this, phoning him daily but not visiting as much as I now feel I should have.

I have a lot of experience with creating an emotional block. I lost my son to cotdeath at 6 months old (I was just 17). It taught me to be strong to the point that i now feel emotionally detached and heartless. Everyone else is grieving around me and I'm still the positive, outgoing sibling who continues to pick everyone else up.

But do you know something I've learned? We all handle things differently, we all grieve in different ways and for different reasons, but if it helps that individual to cope, then its not the wrong way to grieve! 

I am grateful that I had so many years with my Dad when my youngest sister wasnt so fortunate. I am grateful that my son now has his Grandad with him to keep him company. I am grateful that i have so many happy memories of him.

I just learned to alter the way I felt about everything, changing the negative thoughts to positive ones. It didnt take me long to realise how lucky I am. 

I know this probably doesnt help you in any way but just know that you are not alone. You are stronger than you realise and you can get through this.