Cancer has only been in my life for 20 days but it's been the worst 20 days of my life, it took my dad 8 days ago at 67 years old.

Wednesday 16 June is when my whole life changed. My dad took a mild seizure in the morning and went to a&e thinking he should get it checked out, but thought he would be out that afternoon. They did a CT scan and saw brain abnormalities and wanted to keep him in till he got an MRI to see what they could be. His only symptom was slurring some words, but I can do that if I speak too fast and forgetfulness - which again, wasn't thought much of. 

Thursday came and more scans were done over his body and bowel cancer was found, the following Monday had the MRI which confirmed that it was bowel cancer and had metastasised to his brain. But we had a treatment plan, we were told it was incurable but it would be radiotherapy on his brain and then chemo on his bowel. He was ready to fight this with everything he had, other than this being a really healthy and fit 67 year old man.

The Thursday of that week he lost mobility of his right side and was given a Zimmer frame to get around but all was sorted for him coming home Friday. It was a lovely weekend of having him home but sadly Monday morning he took a massive seizure caused by the brain tumour growing, from which he never regained consciousness. Our family had gone from hearing about treatment plans to DNRs and not a candidate for ICU in the space of a few days and he passed peacefully and pain free early Tuesday morning.

I just can't seem to come to terms with the fact he's really gone? That 21 days ago he was here and now isn't and this horrible disease took him in 12 days of knowing about it. Our family made sure that he knew how much we loved him during that short time, and he us but it still just seems so unfair. Though I also realise some people don't get any time at all from other horrible things like heart attacks.

I go through periods of extreme sadness, to anger (the bowel cancer screening came back clear 6 months ago), to being numb to just pretending it isn't real. But the man was my best friend and who I went to for advice, practical stuff and most importantly friendship and I just feel a huge gaping hole in my life now. it's been 8 days since he's been gone and I can't believe I'll never talk to him again or see him.

I'm 35 and realise I was extremely lucky to have had such a brilliant man in my life for so long, but I can't help feeling like I was robbed and I just want to be with him.

It's just such a horrible disease and I don't remember life before 20 days ago now and don't really know what I'm supposed to do now.

I'm so so sorry to you all that are going through this, or have family or friends who have gone through it, it literally rips your life to shreds and just feel so lost now :(

thank you to anybody who reads this, was helpful to even just write it down