Hi [@bras1548]‍ 

At the age of 32 I have already lost a number of loved ones to cancer. Although I have been deeply, deeply saddened by these losses, none have ever brought me to a forum like this. My Mum passed away on 15th May and this is the death that has broken me and led me to here to seek comfort and understanding from strangers who may have an idea of what I'm going through. So trust me when I say that you are not alone in how you're feeling.

There have been days where I haven't wanted to get up out of bed and feel like I don't want to go on because what's the point if cancer is just going to continue to take my loved ones. But we HAVE to go on. We have no other option. My Mum made me, she lives on in me and she would be absolutely devastated to see me this upset. I know you say it's not helpful when people say this to you but it's true. If your Dad was your soul I'm sure it would pain him to see you hurting this much. If you were the love of his life like you say, then you need to live your life for the both of you. If the situation were reversed, I'm sure you would not want to see your Dad this devastated.

On this forum I have read heartbreaking stories of loss. Young children without parents, mothers and fathers losing teenage children, very young widows and widowers. I lost my Dad 17 years ago when I was just 15 but I'm now trying to be thankful that I had my Mum until I was 32. Although 68 still feels so young to me, I'm trying to be thankful that she got 68 years of life. Growing older is a privilege denied to so, so many.

I have been told that gratitude and bitterness are two sides of the same coin. It's easy to feel bitter and look at others in our life who still have all their loved ones and think why me? Why my family? But that's no way to live. It's up to us to flip that coin and choose gratitude. Choose to look at the people we still have around us who are there for us, who are trying. They may not know what to say and they certainly can't do anything to take your pain away but they are there for you. We are only human and are all trying the best we can with the cards we have been dealt. Grief is our own, it's unique to us and no one will ever be able to fully empathise. It's up to us to not let grief consume us and to live our altered lives to the fullest, no one else.

Forgive me if I'm overstepping here but it sounds like you may have some PTSD from watching your Dad suffer so terribly. This is not uncommon and can manifest itself a long time after a traumatic event. It might be helpful to speak to a doctor about how you're feeling to get you the appropriate help and ease your burden.

Look after yourself

J

Hi Dexter123/j,

Thank you very much for taking the time to share your thoughts. My dad would have agreed with everything you wrote and the logical part of my brain does too.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. It's losses like this (not just mine, but yours, and other people's) that I cannot understand or accept. But I do take your point - that in some way we have to accept them and live our own lives. One of the reasons why I struggle is that I've never loved anyone in the way I loved my dad and nobody has loved me the way he loved me. He was the centre of my universe in every way. He would text or email me every day to say something positive or helpful or inspiring. He was behind me, with me, at every step in my life and my soul belonged to him (and vice versa). So although I see the logic of the argument that I need to get on with my life (and although I know my father would, as you suggest, think likewise), the pain I feel at the loss of my father is utterly overwhelming and crushing. I've lost my soul. 

Don't worry - you're not overstepping. Your comment that I may be suffering from PTSD feels spot on. I've had that suspicion myself for a while. The things I saw and heard I won't even describe here (although I did briefly before) because they're horrific and I don't want to add to anybody else's misery. I've talked to counsellors about it, but it didn't help. But I will probably try again at some point.

Thank you again for taking the time to write. I really hope you can find what you need to handle your own loss. I get the impression that you have the psychological resources to manage, and I wish you all the strength in the world to do so.

I can completely empathise with you about losing the love of your life and feeling like no one has or will love you like that again. I don't have a family of my own and my Mum was on her own after my Dad died, she never met anyone else. So we seen each other every day. We were huge parts of each other's lives. There's now this gaping hole in my life and a love that will never be filled. I understand that nothing will ever come close to replacing that love. Life can be truly unfair.

I feel like I do have the psychological resources to handle this grief and I put that solely down to receiving Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for PTSD many years ago. My Dad died very suddenly and very tragically and it's not something I want to share the details of in this forum but it was hugely traumatic for me. I honestly don't feel like I would still be here today without the CBT. When I read your post, so much of it sounded familiar to when I suffered with PTSD and that's why I wanted to reach out. Getting proper treatment does help; it is an illness that needs treated. I was also put on some medication for depression and anxiety which I felt helped me in the short term to level out my emotions to allow me to begin taking those logical steps to get through my trauma and grief.

Although I feel broken right now, I'm trying to remember and put into practice everything I learned after my Dad's death so that I can live my life to the fullest. As everyone on this forum knows, tomorrow is not promised and life can change in an instant.

Take good care,

J

To you all inc in this thread ...

I came on here nearly 4 years ago ... scared and with a grade 3 breast cancer .... I vertually made friends on here that held my hand and with an amazing family pulled me through that time ... 

I wanted to "pay it forward" on here, and try to help anyone l could.... and was getting there, then loosing family hit me like a sledge hammer... one after another after another ... not giving me time to breath ... I felt cheeted that covid took away the being able to hug or console my family ... 

Esp my granddaughter.... who was diagnosed a couple of days before our family holiday to Florida.... just before we heard of covid .....instead treatment after treatment ....  knowing she was going through so much through the lockdown, with only her mum and dad's allowed there .. was the crulest ... my daughter in law was the bravest most loving mum anyone could hope for .. never letting any of us "give up hope" and keeping her two little ones as normal as possible ... day after day she travelled to London cancer hospital.... 

And just when she looked "well " and at home, going for what we all thought was the all clear and to ring that bell ... that morning we gave vertual hugs , and I was sure it was the begining of her life again ... well she never came out the hospital ... it was back with a vengeance... she'd only had a short short time at home ...  I never saw her again ....

I lost my mojo for being on here ... couldn't understand ... Will never understand why .... I know now, I'll have to find a way to live with that heartache.... but in doing that she stays with me, in my thoughts and heart ... I will keep her there safe ... we all will ...her and my daughter in law will forever be my hero's...

Today reading so many heart felt stories ... I have found that faith I needed to keep looking on here .. that need for us all to hold on together ... to reach out ... to forgive ... to find a reason to smile each day ... coz my granddaughter did that till the day we lost her ...

She had a record she loved played at her "goodbye" it was GOOD TIMES by ALL TIME LOW .... I will listen to that again and know she wanted us to remember the good times ... not the cancer ... she was far more then that ... she was beautiful and fun ... and loved life .... 

So thank you to you all ... May we all find a little piece in our life's... May we remember the "good times" and keep reaching out to hold each other's hands .... Chrissie x x 

After 

Oh Chrissie, you have been through so much but still have so much positivity about you. You are a credit to your family.

I have found much more comfort talking to people on this forum than I ever thought possible. The kindness of people such as yourself who have suffered greatly yet still try to support others has been overwhelming.

I agree, we all need to hold on together and try to find some peace and happiness where we can.

Lots of love,

J

Oh Chrissie, you have been through so much but still have so much positivity about you. You are a credit to your family.

I have found much more comfort talking to people on this forum than I ever thought possible. The kindness of people such as yourself who have suffered greatly yet still try to support others has been overwhelming.

I agree, we all need to hold on together and try to find some peace and happiness where we can.

Lots of love,

J