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markm1
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Hi all, never considered a blog type post to help with things but here goes. My mum was unwell for several months last year during lockdown with just me and her in the house it was very difficult, the doctors we deslt with were terrible the diagnoses only came round cause I phoned the hosptal directly. She was diagnosed in june and it went downhill so fast, I became her full tiem carer sorting out meds etc cause the pain meds had to be increased to a level where she wasnt herself, some days she didnt know who I was which was probably the worst part of it all. She passed away peacefully on July 26th in the hospice and without sounding horrid im glad she did cause it meant the suffering for her was over. Ever since i've struggled with it, the main thing I cant shake is the fact I wish it had been me who died instead of her and I know that sounds strange but its soo draining, I still go to bed and hope I dont wake up which sounds so wrong but I just cant shake it and wondered if anyone else had experienced anything like this and had any advice. Thanks.

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    Hello markm1, 

    A warm welcome to our forum. I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like it was a really traumatic experience and it must have been so hard for you to watch your mum suffer and being her carer was a huge responsibility. As well as grieving the loss of your mum, I can imagine you must be exhausted too as you had so much on your shoulders and it is normal that you are now feeling drained by it all. 

    There is some useful information on our website here on Coping with Grief which will explain to you the complexity of the grieving process and the different stages one typically goes through. Everyone grieves differently though and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It does sound though like you went through a lot and that it may do you some good to talk to your GP about how you are feeling, about the fact that you are having those thoughts when you go to bed. Your doctor will I am sure have excellent advice for you and may offer you grief counselling to help you feel gradually better. If you ever feel you need to talk to someone when you feel really down at any time of day or night, there is also the Samaritans helpline. You can find the Samaritans details on this page. 

    You've come to the right place to talk to others who understand what it is like to lose a loved one to cancer. Many here will also have been carers like you were and I hope they will be along shortly to share their story with you. It helps to talk to others who find themselves or have found themselves in the same boat. 

    We're all here for you anytime you need to talk so don't hesitate to come back on the forum and to let us know how you are feeling.

    Best wishes, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Offline in reply to Moderator Lucie
    Hello markm, Sorry to hear about your Mom, it's heartbreaking I know, I have recently lost my Mum. We had awful experience with our GP surgery during lock down. Mum had all the symptoms of Large B Cell Lymphoma. She first went in the November of 2019 and was back and forth, till September 2020. We had enough and called an ambulance and pretended that she had collapsed, they took her in. Where she was diagnosed. She had major issues during chemo, sepsis twice, major bowl surgery. January was looking good, she was in her way to her last chemo in Feb 2021 blood tests where really positive. Then she developed lymphoma in her brain, they tried a round of chemo. But it didn't work. She was sent home on the Friday (we requested she came home). She passed the following Thursday 15th April 2021, it was horrific how she died and not what I wanted for my wonderful Mum, she didn't deserve it, I was hoping she would fall into a deep sleep and then go, it was traumatic for 3 days. I miss my Mum so much it's her birthday Friday 21st. The only thing I can hold on too, is Mum is out of pain. But I'm.angry she got to the pain unnessarly if the GPs had done the job that they are suppose to do. Take care of my mum and not play GOD on what they choose to do or not to do The symptoms where, bang in front of them I'm sorry I have ranted on here, I'm keeping strong for the rest of my family and I don't want to discuss my feelings with them as they are all dealing with their own grief and as long as I'm OK, they are all OK.
  • Offline in reply to shezjac

    Exactly the same issue I had,  I've since put a complaint into the surgery and the findings show she had bloods taken at the first appointment that had came back with things that were signs of cancer. ALso the fact my mum was scared to go to another GP due to the way she was treated, in my opinion nothing short of torture and i'll continue with my case against the doctor in question, I was there the day she was diagnosed and I was with her when she passed thats the only thing i've taken from it, I know I couldnt have done more. If you need anything to talk etc lease let me know, problem shared is a problem halfed. 

  • Offline in reply to markm1

    Thank you, it's so tough. I'm trying to get access to Moms notes. The same, Mom had bloods taken and something was showing, but never followed up. I just need to know, why they failed my Mom in her time of need. I know you shouldn't rely on Google Searches, My aunt and I was convinced it was lymphoma because of her symptoms. But we kept brushing it off, thinking a GP wouldn't miss something so huge. 

     Our Moms loved us and we loved them dearly, we did our best for our mothers in difficult times, nobody can take that away from us.

    You stay safe, keep your wonderful,happy memories alive X x x 

  • Offline in reply to markm1

    Sorry to hear about your mum markm. like a lot of people who have lost a family member through cancer, during the lockdown. what you have posted,  there isn't a person who has had the same feelings as yourself. Yes I wish it had been me instead of my wife.  wishing you don't wake up the following morning.

    I wear both our wedding rings on a chain around my neck.. I kiss both rings and ask her to take me that night. Had issues with our GP surgery, As they were not prepared to come out to my wife.  Because she was in so much agony. we kept ringing up for an out of hours visit. due to covid19 they were not prepared to  do house calls. it ended up each call to increase her pain killers. it got to the point were she was taking 12 in a day. but nothing helped. she went to hospital found her hip dislodged and a broken thigh bone. worst of all was they discovered a aggressive cancer growth in her colon.. they would not operate to ease her pain. When it came down to my wife's health and wellbeing. because she had less than two months, which she did not want to know. they put money before my wife's easing of pain. because any operation would not extend her life beyond the two months. she came home for end of life care. No sooner was she settled in the hospital bed. one of our GP's came and seen her. To be honest if I'd said what I thought I'd have been kicked out of the practice for good. she was still aware of her surrondings for five weeks before her body had decided she had had enough. I myself have liver cancer, and I know at some point I will be in my wife's arms once again. it's coming up to a year in July since she passed away. I still have my sad moments and shed a few tears. But it's no where near what I felt at the time she passed away. Today I'm making a start on sorting her clothes out for the charity shop, As my 22 year old  son keeps on at me. I would never do it if it was down to me. but I have to try and move on. I need to be mentally and physically fit if I'm to have a liver transplant. I know she would want me to be around for our grand children grow a littl older.

    sorting out her clothes does not mean I am getting rid of all the memories. far from it, we shared 34 years marriage, and knew her for 6 years before. she'll always be in my heart till my death. untill that time comes, I have to get on with my life and enjoy my son and daughter growing a little older.

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