Hello markm1, 

A warm welcome to our forum. I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like it was a really traumatic experience and it must have been so hard for you to watch your mum suffer and being her carer was a huge responsibility. As well as grieving the loss of your mum, I can imagine you must be exhausted too as you had so much on your shoulders and it is normal that you are now feeling drained by it all. 

There is some useful information on our website here on Coping with Grief which will explain to you the complexity of the grieving process and the different stages one typically goes through. Everyone grieves differently though and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It does sound though like you went through a lot and that it may do you some good to talk to your GP about how you are feeling, about the fact that you are having those thoughts when you go to bed. Your doctor will I am sure have excellent advice for you and may offer you grief counselling to help you feel gradually better. If you ever feel you need to talk to someone when you feel really down at any time of day or night, there is also the Samaritans helpline. You can find the Samaritans details on this page. 

You've come to the right place to talk to others who understand what it is like to lose a loved one to cancer. Many here will also have been carers like you were and I hope they will be along shortly to share their story with you. It helps to talk to others who find themselves or have found themselves in the same boat. 

We're all here for you anytime you need to talk so don't hesitate to come back on the forum and to let us know how you are feeling.

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Thank you, it's so tough. I'm trying to get access to Moms notes. The same, Mom had bloods taken and something was showing, but never followed up. I just need to know, why they failed my Mom in her time of need. I know you shouldn't rely on Google Searches, My aunt and I was convinced it was lymphoma because of her symptoms. But we kept brushing it off, thinking a GP wouldn't miss something so huge. 

 Our Moms loved us and we loved them dearly, we did our best for our mothers in difficult times, nobody can take that away from us.

You stay safe, keep your wonderful,happy memories alive X x x 

Sorry to hear about your mum markm. like a lot of people who have lost a family member through cancer, during the lockdown. what you have posted,  there isn't a person who has had the same feelings as yourself. Yes I wish it had been me instead of my wife.  wishing you don't wake up the following morning.

I wear both our wedding rings on a chain around my neck.. I kiss both rings and ask her to take me that night. Had issues with our GP surgery, As they were not prepared to come out to my wife.  Because she was in so much agony. we kept ringing up for an out of hours visit. due to covid19 they were not prepared to  do house calls. it ended up each call to increase her pain killers. it got to the point were she was taking 12 in a day. but nothing helped. she went to hospital found her hip dislodged and a broken thigh bone. worst of all was they discovered a aggressive cancer growth in her colon.. they would not operate to ease her pain. When it came down to my wife's health and wellbeing. because she had less than two months, which she did not want to know. they put money before my wife's easing of pain. because any operation would not extend her life beyond the two months. she came home for end of life care. No sooner was she settled in the hospital bed. one of our GP's came and seen her. To be honest if I'd said what I thought I'd have been kicked out of the practice for good. she was still aware of her surrondings for five weeks before her body had decided she had had enough. I myself have liver cancer, and I know at some point I will be in my wife's arms once again. it's coming up to a year in July since she passed away. I still have my sad moments and shed a few tears. But it's no where near what I felt at the time she passed away. Today I'm making a start on sorting her clothes out for the charity shop, As my 22 year old  son keeps on at me. I would never do it if it was down to me. but I have to try and move on. I need to be mentally and physically fit if I'm to have a liver transplant. I know she would want me to be around for our grand children grow a littl older.

sorting out her clothes does not mean I am getting rid of all the memories. far from it, we shared 34 years marriage, and knew her for 6 years before. she'll always be in my heart till my death. untill that time comes, I have to get on with my life and enjoy my son and daughter growing a little older.