Hello [@Mummypud]‍ 

I just wanted to reply to you, because I totally understand why you're feeling this way, but I think the fact that you apologised and ended up having a close relationship is what you should focus on (easier said than done, I know) but guilt can be a huge part of grief im told. Have you thought of maybe seeking some therapy? I'm sure your lovely mum would want you to continue your life and know that you were there for her when she needed you.

I'm a lot newer into my grief journey, but I understand how painful and how many really difficult emotions come with it. There is not a day goes by that I don't replay horrible things, or moody comments I made to my mum, but I try to just push them aside and think of the really lovely things we also said to each other. I don't think you will be alone with the feeling of 'what if' with your relationship in your younger years with you mum. I hope that brings you some comfort.

Sebding lots of love xx

I just thought I would post so you know you are not alone. I'm 31 and my mum passed this year and I too had lots of feeling of guilt and regret when she passed. I was a HORRIBLE teenager and never really gave her much time to do the mother daughter things that she wanted. Luckily we had two years together post her diagnosis where we spent every week together and bonded more than ever. I had a newborn when she was diangoised and he definately bought us together more. 
I was there during my mums final moment when she was conscious and the only thing I could think of was to say how sorry I was for being a nightmare growing up. 
I still have so many regrets like why I always said no to going shopping with her and why I never treated her to 1 to 1 time before she was diagnoised. If you ever need to chat I'm here :)