This is my first post here so let's see how this goes.
I recently lost a very very close loved one to secondary cancer. I have never really experienced death before and am really struggling to come to terms with it. She was diagnosed with primary cancer a few years ago and had treatment which kept things under control. But then recently she had symptoms and went into hospital where she was diagnosed with secondary cancer spread to the brain and she was told she didn't have long to live. She didn't ask the doctor how long as she didn't want to know. But she went downhill so quickly and died within a few days.
I am really struggling with the fact that her last year on earth was during this covid pandemic, and the lost time we had to spend together, do nice things and make memories. I have SO many good and happy memories to remember with her, but the fact that I hardly saw her due to restrictions and the fact that I didn't want to possibly infect her with COVID. Even when restrictions lifted I was still anxious to see her because I was so scared of passing anything on. I just wish I could have seen her more and that maybe I should have ignored restrictions and my own worry. I know that this is wrong to think, and that the truth is I didn't see her out of my love and care for her because I couldn't live with myself if I passed on anything to her, but i can't stop thinking this way. I hope she doesn't think i didn't want to see her.
Has anyone else experienced this or feels the same? Would love to hear if anyone has any advice x