It feels almost bizzarre to write here just few days after I wrote about my mom being ill. But here I am, cancer took her exactly three days ago. Now I'm 23 half-orphan and I feel at loss.

I feel like I'm living in some kind of dream or a nightmare. How is it the world hasn't stopped? I mostly don't feel anything (I'm pretty sure I'll be numb for some time knowing that I'm an emotional person my mind is probably on survival mode), but when I cry, it's always little things- like seeing socks my mom used to wear.

It doesn't help that my dad and sister seem to have different coping ways. They had no problem to sit on the bed my mom was sleeping in while I feel mental distress on mere thought - I still see her body there after she passed away. They went on a field trip right now, but all I can think of is that we usually went with my mom. It seems like I can't do basic things like eating kind of bread she liked because it makes me feel sick. I understand they cope differently, but I feel like I won't be able to do things I used to enjoy because we did them with mom.

I also feel that though I have support from my friends, they don't understand. I know only two people who also lost their mom and they're the only one who I felt like understood what I'm going through when I told them. From the rest I feel separated.

I also have to write thesis in a month, it was already hard before, but now I have no idea if I'll either get into work to distract myself or not. It sucks that it all happens at once and pandemic is still here making it very hard to get support I'd want.