hey, I truly hope your okay I know how hard the concept of losing people to cancer can be. I'm only 15 but when I was 14 I lost my grandma from pancreas cancer on the 13th October 2020 (after a few months after diagnosis without chemo) then shortly after I also lost my grandad on 24th October 2020 from lung cancer and sepsis with one round of chemo (a month after his diagnosis). Their funerals were especially hard since I was in tears for them both and they were very well-known people so only a limited amount was allowed to witness the service. A few weeks on from their passing I could see many signs from them and certain smells bring back their memory and it's completely fine if you witness or get that feeling since they're just trying to tell you they're ok up in heaven and they love you still. I didn't get support from any companies or anything but I was at the time of griefing I was still going to school and trying to put on a hard face but when I came home stuff would just remind me of them and I would just start crying which is completely fine since your griefing their passing. Ways I would try and make my griefing positive is I songwrite about my pain after their passing as the lyrics and add a melody with my guitar and then record them and hope to record them when I'm hopefully better and a bit more popular. I also try to keep a positive mindset even if I smile at someone (a bit hard with masks), compliment someone (you might receive one back), ask how someone's day is and also treat people with kindness always every day. Whilst my grandma and grandad were alive and since they told me about my diagnosis I have grown out my hair to later donate to the little princess trust for little girls. my hair is currently above my bum but once it gets to maybe my knees I'm going to get it cut since I could not live without my hair since it makes me feel so confident so I really feel for those little girls who may not feel as confident without hair. I think the best way I dealt with their passings was just thinking of how hard other peoples day must have been and thought they might've been having a harder day than me so i always ask everyone I see how are you just to check up on them especially during this pandemic especially but I hope you soon feel better but I'm sure they are looking down and smiling that's why the sun is out (CURRENTLY) haha :) wishing you all the best x

I hope you do not mind me writing to you. I felt so much like you do right now. I lost my Dad to cancer and it was so so hard. Just like you I spoke to friends, as my Mum and sister seemed to deal with our loss, differently.   All I can say is be kind to yourself. Cry when you want to. There is no right or wrong in this situation,everything is a normal reaction at such a sad time.

I thought also how do I carry on with the things I had planned? Like you with your Uni work. I just had a baby. The answer is you just do.  Its hard and that's an undestatement but you will do it and it's for them aswel as yourself.  I'm not very good at writing down it sounds so much better in my head.  Take your time, be gentle to yourself. 

Sending love from someone who understands. XXX

awww I'm glad I made you smile! you just gotta take each day as it comes. wishing you all the best too and remember spread kindness around like it's confetti and always treat people with kindness x