I'm 21 and at university, I was told by my dad a few days ago my mum had passed due to cancer. My mum has always had health complication including asthma , arthritis and heart conditions. We found she had gallbladder cancer which had spread to the liver around a month ago. Her and my dad both told me not to visit as there's the covid risk, and also my mum wanted me to continue my studies. She started to get sicker to the point she couldn't even answer her phone so my messages went through my dad. She was sent home without treatment as she was already too weak to operate on at that time. I understood the diagnosis but thought she'd get treatment eventually or pull through. She didnt and her death has just come as a shock. A massive shock, I feel my whole world has suddenly been torn apart. I feel so so guilty not going to visit in hospital or the home, even though I know visitors weren't allowed, and going home could potentially mean me passing the virus. My older sister went to visit but my mum was so depressed in my room she would refuse to see anyone but my dad.I felt numb then scared and now I just dont want to exist anymore I cant imagine a life without her. Even my shampoo leads to me crying because that's what I used to wash her hair with. Everything's just been a shock and I really don't know how to cope with this. I'm still at uni, but making plans to go home while figuring out how to finish my dissertation. I know my parents said to stay at uni but I feel so awful that I didnt go back home, i just don't know how to deal with this guilt . I just hope she knows I was thinking of her even though I wasn't there at the end,I just can't believe this isn't a nightmare.
