I lost my dad to a brain tumor 2 weeks ago and it has hit me hard. He was only diagnosed about 6 weeks ago and I still can't believe he's gone. We were really close and used to speak every week, which changed to every day when he became ill. It was so quick I didn't get to say goodbye.
I'm an alcoholic and my dad was an absolute rock to me when I was at my lowest and darkest place. He was always there for me and I still feel guilty for all the worry I undoubtedly caused him. My only gratitude is that he saw me get well and be sober for the last 4 years.
I am grateful that have sobriety to know that drinking is not going to help with this pain, but still, I feel like a zombie. I have no joy. I'm constantly tired but when I go to bed I can't sleep. I don't want to do anything or talk to anyone. I'm really trying to be 'normal', for the sake of my wife and children - who are also devastated, but then I feel guilty if I enjoy myself. I constantly want to cry, and do regularly.
There's just such a sad cloud in our house, I can't see it ever clearing.
The funeral is in a couple of days. I don't know how to get through it.
I know "he wouldn't want to see me like this" and "it will get easier" but none of these things help? I keep going to call him and then remembering I can't. It just hurts so much right now.
