Hi Newlife101,

I came to the forum to find others who have lost their mum, and found your post first. I am so sorry for your loss, and to the people who have replied I am sorry for your losses too.  It is a comfort to find others in the same boat, I lost my mum 10 years ago, I was 34. I can empathise with you about your friends, only one work colleague had lost her mum in my social circle. I had the same experience as you, people didn't know how to respond so I had lots of vague offers of 'call if you need anything' (which I would never do) and people who avoided me. I saw people squirm if I mentioned my mum or anything to do with her illness and death. I've had counselling, which did help and I have been through many more losses since but none like losing Mum.

I still have bad days where I miss her and feel angry that she went too soon, but it is mostly time that has helped me learn to live with the grief. My sadness now is that she did not see me become a mum myself.

If there can be a positive side to it I feel that losing her has made me a more empathetic person and I cherish the good things and people in my life, I take nothing for granted. I take happiness where I can. I talk about Mum and tell my child all about her. We take flowers to her on her anniversary.

I now know more friends who have lost their mums at a similar age or younger and we have bonded over our shared grief. 
 

I wanted to send you love and strength and I hope that you find solace in others here who have shared your experience. One day your friends will sadly go through what you are going through now, and you will be able to share your experience then. It is so hard to be the first in your friendship group.

Take care x 

Hi Newlife101,

I came to the forum to find others who have lost their mum, and found your post first. I am so sorry for your loss, and to the people who have replied I am sorry for your losses too.  It is a comfort to find others in the same boat, I lost my mum 10 years ago, I was 34. I can empathise with you about your friends, only one work colleague had lost her mum in my social circle. I had the same experience as you, people didn't know how to respond so I had lots of vague offers of 'call if you need anything' (which I would never do) and people who avoided me. I saw people squirm if I mentioned my mum or anything to do with her illness and death. I've had counselling, which did help and I have been through many more losses since but none like losing Mum.

I still have bad days where I miss her and feel angry that she went too soon, but it is mostly time that has helped me learn to live with the grief. My sadness now is that she did not see me become a mum myself.

If there can be a positive side to it I feel that losing her has made me a more empathetic person and I cherish the good things and people in my life, I take nothing for granted. I take happiness where I can. I talk about Mum and tell my child all about her. We take flowers to her on her anniversary.

I now know more friends who have lost their mums at a similar age or younger and we have bonded over our shared grief. 
 

I wanted to send you love and strength and I hope that you find solace in others here who have shared your experience. One day your friends will sadly go through what you are going through now, and you will be able to share your experience then. It is so hard to be the first in your friendship group.

Take care x 

Hi [@MrsM21]‍ 

Thank you for taking the time to share what your grief is like 10 years on. It's comforting to hear that things do get more manageable with time. 
Like you, my mum has passed before seeing me become a Mum myself. It pains me that she won't be at my wedding and I find myself mostly grieving for all that she will miss by being taken far too soon.

I already feel like this loss has made me a more empathetic person and I'm trying to find a bit of gratitude and happiness in every day as I know that is what my Mum would have wanted.

Take care,

J

Hey [@MrsM21]‍ 

Thank you for taking the time to time to reply to my post, and share how it's been for you. It is probably the most difficult thing to experience and you can only understand it if you've experienced it, you're very right.

Thank you for being so lovely, I appreciate it so much. I'm sure your mum would be incredibly proud of you replying and trying to help people like us. 

Lots of love xxxx

Bless you, my heart goes out to you. Those life events are hard when you are grieving, and as you say your mum would want your happiness and to be a part of them. I now know two people who got married without their mum, both went to the church where she was married and buried as a way of including her in their day. I imagine that was very hard for them but lovely at the same time. 
 

Is your wedding soon? Xx

Thank you for your lovely reply, Hopefully we can all send each other love and strength in our grief. 
 

I came to the chat because of a low moment and talking with you has lifted my spirit. It's good to talk as they say, although we find ourselves connecting due to such a sad experience.

How have you found the last 3 months? Xxx

I think any chat you can have that lifts you spirit is amazing during grief ️ the last 6 months has been the hardest of my life. I know you'll understand this. I just feel really sad my mum will never know me settled, help me to pick a wedding dress (if that happens) and just all my life is events?! What it has done is make me a kinder person, which I know you said it has done for you too. Everyday I genuinely try to be a kinder person which can never be a bad thing.

How are you? What made you come here after this time if you don't mind me asking? Thank you so much for being so lovely. Xxx

I understand completely, it feels so unfair. And it is hard! Plus everyone goes through it in their own time and way, there is no set timescale, rhyme or reason.

I am not married, so I have not had a wedding without mum, but I had female family offering to attend the birth of my child; I said thank you but no, I only wanted mum and my partner there and if she can't be there I didn't want a 'replacement'. I know they were trying to be supportive but that was my mindset at the time and has been for many other events. My partner has been with me since just after mum had her first treatment so he has been my rock. My partners mum passed away in February so I have been able to support him and our little girl. 

I know you will find a way through that works for you and I think your mum would be very proud of you, too. I can tell you are a kind caring person.

I came to the chat as I was looking for people who have had the same experience, initially just to read stories but I decided to join and talk. I've got one good friend who has been through the same who I talk to but we don't see each other that often. I have found since I had my little girl that I feel sad for all she and I miss not having my mum here, although it also makes me cherish every minute with my child and I think I'm a better mum for it. For example I saw a girl and her Nanny playing at the park together and I got thinking about what my mum would've been like. But I can feel the happiness for them, which lifts the sadness I feel for us. Bittersweet is a word that comes to mind.
 

I have my sad moments, it is not easy but as I said it has got easier with time. I just accept the things that still upset me, and I tell myself that it's ok. I hope that will be the same for you xx

[@MrsM21]‍ 

I think raising your daughter without your mum must feel so so difficult. But I'm really happy that you're able to share stories about her, so even though she never was able to meet her physically, she will know her still. I talk about my mum to everyone still, and always still in the present tense. I don't think that I have used the past tense once! 

Ah thank you, ️ and likewise to you. I think it does make you think twice about how you react to people in general as you never know what they are going through. I think it's really lovely that you're able to feel happy for others, even though i would imagine it feels quite painful to see others with their mum's and children. 

It's all just about taking one step at a time a guess, and as cliche as it sounds, finding a new normal. I have been really amazed by people though, some people are just unbelievably kind even though they are experiencing grief either through loss or going through treatment. Definately something positive to have taken from it. Xxxx

Yes keep talking about your Mum, I don't know your spiritual beliefs but I think talking about the ones we've lost keeps them close in our minds and hearts as we go forward. And you are spot on about finding a new normal, that's exactly what it is. (Something everybody has had to do over the past 18 months!)

Grief and loss are certainly a great leveller, and we can make connections during those times that last a lifetime. I see my mums favourite nurse in passing occasionally and she remembers her still, they spent a lot of sleepless nights talking. 
 

Yes one step at a time, sometimes it's a day, an hour or a minute xxx

I am very spiritual actually, which to be honest, I just keep saying to myself she's not physically here, but she is still around me. Sometimes that's much easier than others. I woke up this morning, had a huge cry for an hour then just told myself this is not what she'd want, she would be absolutely devastated to see me so upset! 

That's so lovely you still see her, although it must feel upsetting at the same time. 

Hope you're doing okay today ️

I am very spiritual too, I didn't want to say too much in case it was not your belief but I believe the same as you, that our loved ones are around us.
It's very ok to cry, any time you need to, and it shows how much you loved your mum and what a good relationship you had. We've lost our mums before their time, it's not fair and it's understandable to feel that way. My partners mum was older and it's a different feeling, although sad, it's accepted that she had lived her life and seen her grandchildren and great-grandchildren born. 
 

I live close to the hospice where my mum spent her last weeks, so I love to visit the gardens and when I'm allowed, the chapel to light a candle.

Have you read the thread about signs from loved ones? I take a lot of comfort in seeing white feathers and songs that mum loved on the radio. On the day she passed I found a white feather inside a dvd case! 
 

I hope you are feeling a bit better now, I am thinking of you xx