Hiya. I wanted to reply and reach out as I've been reading your previous posts. I'm new to this forum. Only got news yesterday that mums lymphoma is now incurable. They would not give us a prognosis just that they will not give anymore chemo and she can steroids if any symptoms arise. But stupidly I've been googling and I know it's not good. I feel I'm dying inside and I don't know what to do. I'm an only child too and have an amazing partner and friends but feel so alone. Sorry I didn't mean to start this by waffling on. I wanted to say that I think I understand about how you feel about your friends, I have already come across a couple of my work colleagues that seem to just text me with almost a scripted message, like there's no real feeling behind it. I think though that if your friends are trying to occupy your thoughts that's a good thing, like yourself, I haven't any friends that have lost a parent yet so i think as well friends don't fully understand the grief you're feeling. I'm 37 so a couple years older than yourself but it still feels far too young to lose mum. Please reach out for a chat if you like. I hope you're ok. Xx

I just want to start by saying I'm so so sorry to hear about your mum's news. I have been there as have so many of the kind people on the forum, and it's a very anxious place to be, I understand. It's also feels so lonely, even if you're surrounded by family and friends because no one experiences it quite how you're experiencing that news. Is your mum at home or hospital? Will you get to spend time with her? That's the one thing I can recommend doing as you will both hold those memories so close to your hearts forever. 

I think I have found it much more difficult managing how up and down I feel that I expected. Some hours are much better than others, and I think I may be going through the anger stage because I just feel frustrated people just don't seem to understand, and going for a drink isn't going magically make my mum reappear next to me! 

If you ever want to chat about anything, I'm here! Remember to take care of yourself too as that's so important at the moment xxx

I just want to start by saying I'm so so sorry to hear about your mum's news. I have been there as have so many of the kind people on the forum, and it's a very anxious place to be, I understand. It's also feels so lonely, even if you're surrounded by family and friends because no one experiences it quite how you're experiencing that news. Is your mum at home or hospital? Will you get to spend time with her? That's the one thing I can recommend doing as you will both hold those memories so close to your hearts forever. 

I think I have found it much more difficult managing how up and down I feel that I expected. Some hours are much better than others, and I think I may be going through the anger stage because I just feel frustrated people just don't seem to understand, and going for a drink isn't going magically make my mum reappear next to me! 

If you ever want to chat about anything, I'm here! Remember to take care of yourself too as that's so important at the moment xxx

Thank you so much for your reply and also I am so sorry. 
mums at home. They haven't given us a timescale, they wouldn't say. In some way I wish I knew. A friend said to me how would it make anything different though if I did know but it's the unknown. Is it weeks? Months? They've been vague and perhaps I need to phone and have another conversation with someone. So I want to spend as much time with her but then I'm conscious I don't want to smother her and also consume myself with spending every second I can with her and we don't know how long this could go on and then in turn I end up letting myself go if that makes sense?? 
I understand about friends suggesting drinks etc.. I genuinely think it's because they don't understand how else to help and they think it'll be a nice distraction. When in reality you'd probably prefer them just to come round, pjs on, and just talk, talk about your mum but also let it lead to other conversations if it does and who knows end up having a laugh maybe, a more sort of natural and casual approach. If like me the last thing I feel like doing right now is putting makeup on and making an effort to go out and pretend I'm having a jolly time. 
hooe all that made sense sometimes I get on a roll and worry I'm waffling xxx

Please don't apologise, you're not waffling at all, and I think this is what we are all here for! It really does help to talk about it (and especially with people that get it).

I tthinkthat's the really difficult thing about timescales because I think as soon as the world terminal is used, because you're already in a very anxious state, your mind goes straight to the worst case scenario but I've read many stories where people have lived with that prognosis for quite a long time. Have the doctors said to your mum why they can't say? Or do you not know because your mum doesn't want to know? I think if it's maybe the last reason, it may be worth having a chat with her if you really would like to have some idea. My mum didn't want to know, and my dad spoke to her and explained that because she was in hospital we needed to know if we should request for her to come out to have care at home/in a hospice because of the restrictions all we could do was speak to her on the phone, and that was absolutely horrendous. Sometimes she was too tired/breathless to speak and the hospital was so busy we had no idea what was going on at all. 

I definately see your point about not wanting to smother her either, if your mum feeling okay she's probably still wanting to keep her independenxe and continue life as normal as she can. Your mum will know you're there for her, even if it means not being by her side for 24 hours a day, she will also want you to continue your life, and look after yourself too. 

How has your mum taken the news after speaking to the doctor? Xxx

Morning. Hope you slept ok. They didn't really say why they couldn't say. My friend suggested maybe it's because they can't predict how quickly it will spread. Mum hasn't given away any inckling that she knows or wants to know. I know it's stupid but I'm scared to ask. My partner, he said he could have a chat with her regards it perhaps. She has large b cell lymphoma in her stomach and it's a very aggressive form of cancer so I just presume it'll spread quickly with no tment. Did your mum come home from hospital at all? How's your dad coping? Do you live close by or at home still? Xx

I have actually been sleeping a lot! Did you sleep okay? 

It doesnt sound stupid that you don't want to know at all, I think sometimes it makes it feel even more real and your brain is probably has gone into survival mode at the moment. Has your mum had treatment and they decided to stop? Or she's not had any at all? Is she feeling well at the moment?

My mum was admitted via a&e after months and months of misdiagnosis of a bad back (sadly seems to be super common). She stayed there for 6 weeks after having all the scans, and had emergency radiotherapy on her spine as she was very quickly diagnosed with MSCC, which is spinal cord compression caused by the cancer tumour which started in her lungs but had spread. She was discharged from hospital with a care package, but was then readmitted 24 hours later because she detoriated so much. My dad after 2 days of her being back in hospital was quite forceful on the phone with the head nurse because we could hear her detoriating rapidly on the phone, and her oncology appointment was scheduled for 2 weeks later. the consultant called us that day, and told my dad that unfortunately she had gone down hill so quickly that there was nothing more that could be done. My mum had asked not to know how long, but they told my dad days, a couple of weeks max. She was then admitted into a really beautiful hospice for her last days where we were able to be with her all the time. My dad stayed with her, but my brother and I just stayed during the day so they could be together in the evenings. For this, I am so thankful because if she had been alone in hospital, it would have broken my heart. We spend some really, really special time together and she left me feeling very loved, which is a real blessing but also has made me realise the huge hole it's left in my life. 

I'm at home for now, but I don't live here usually. I have been back for the past 4 months since my mum was unwell. I'm quite scared to go back to my usual home as it's full of stuff that my mum helped me pick out, photos etc. 

Are you close by to your mum? I hope you manage to have an okay day today xx

I've just replied through a private message xx

Hi just wanted to say how sorry I am for you and send virtual hugs.

mu husband is terminally ill and my daughters have experienced the same, because he's been poorly their friends have stopped asking about him and when they stress over stupid things it drives my daughters mad.I can only say that unless you've been through this you can't imagine what it's like. People can't cope with it and offer distractions or saying I'm here if you need me? Use this chat room for support and maybe try grief counselling? 
you will get through this but it will be hard and it will probably change you as a person but that's fine, it's all part if living. Your mum sounds amazing and just cherish your memories. Take care B

[@brid42]‍ 

I'm sorry to hear about your husband, it's so inspiring you're able to support others during a time that is unbelievably tough for you. 

Lots of love to you, your husband and daughters xxx

[@Newlife101]‍ [@brid42]‍ 

Thank you both so much for replying during these difficult times for you both. The people here on this forum really are wonderful and kind. I feel less alone on here.

I think I will try grief counselling as an outlet. Having a good cry and letting out how I feel does feel cathartic and I hope with more time I will be able to talk about my Mum and remember the good times without breaking down.

It was exactly a month yesterday since she passed. It was a really tough day and I miss her terribly.

I'm due to go back to work tomorrow and have a huge amount of anxiety over this, although my work have been very understanding.

Sending you and your families strength xx

Wow, reading this thread so many things resonate with my own experience. My mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in February and died 5 weeks later. I became her primary career and had to stay strong for the both of us (my brother lives in Spain and we have no other family). My friends definitely distanced themselves or offered superficial help. I felt so lonely after my mum's death once the shock hit etc. I was working online at the time and dreaded zoom meetings with colleagues who were all living a normal life laughing and joking whilst I was consumed with sadness. In fact I did end up distancing myself from almost everyone and only met up with one friend whose father also died of cancer- he understood what I was going through. 

Someone here mentioned counseling and I am now 5 weeks into bereavement counseling. My first session was very hard , all the emotions I was holding in came flooding out and I literally cried for an hour. However, I am incredibly grateful for the counseling and definitely wouldn't have got through things without it. 

I am sorry to be on here, but like everyone else circumstances have brought me here. Good luck with work tomorrow and try to stay strong. 

Dan

[@Dncinuk]‍ I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your Mum such a short period of time after her diagnosis. That must have been incredibly hard being her primary carer. I have to say that up to this point, I've been very naive and uninformed about cancer, as although there has been a lot of cancer in my family, there has been a significant amount of time between diagnosis and death. This is my experience with cancer and for someone to be gone within days or weeks of diagnosis has been a really hard pill to swallow. I'm still in shock and can't quite believe it's actually happened. I'm just waiting to wake up from this nightmare.

It's good to hear such positive experiences with bereavement counselling. Do you mind me asking if you went through cruse or you GP?

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post, that was incredibly kind of you. I'm finding a lot of comfort speaking to people on this forum.

J