Hey K95X,

My condolences. I've lost someone recently so I understand your grief and pain. If this is the first time you've experienced death, I promise you that you will be okay with time. Allow yourself to go through the grieving process (google it) and be easy on yourself. 

Your grandad is old, he has his personality, he has his medical issues so don't be too hard on him. He's not going to change. And he's grieving too. You have your own medical issues, I hope the SSRIs are helping the depression. I hope therapy helps. 
 

I know you loved your Nan very much. You miss her terribly. It's hard to go back to her house. Don't wear her clothes, maybe keep one item tucked away for later memories. Maybe keep a piece of jewellery too. Tell your grandad you can't help him to sell anything because it's too difficult for you. It takes courage to tell others you are struggling and need some space or help. Don't feel bad about it. 
 

You will go through the grieving process. And time will heal the sharp pain you're feeling now. I promise you, it does get easier. I absolutely promise you that. 
 

In the meantime, try to follow a simple routine every day. That helps. And do things that don't require a lot of money: go for walks, do some gardening, get a colouring book, start drawing, try writing about your Nan, put on some music and dance in your room. Look after yourself by eating regularly and sleeping enough hours. 
 

Be the best you can be, make a plan to accomplish all those things you discussed with Nan. Believe me, she's watching over you and she will know. Do it for yourself and do it for her. We all have ONE life to live, you don't know how long you have, so live your life well and have lots of good experiences and good relationships. Don't waste your time on anything else. 
 

The pain will ease. Your depression will improve with effort. You'll get your life back on track. And you're going to be okay. That's what will make your Nan happy. 
 

Take care. 

Hi Janey4,

Thank you so much for getting back to me, your response was very moving. I am sorry to hear that you have lost someone close recently, this is not my first time dealing with a family members death but this time I feel different.

I have come off my antidepressents after a few years as they didnt seem to be helping much, the others I had some issues with so i decided it was best to come off them. 

My Nan wanted me to keep a peice of her jewellery or have it made into something. I am fine with that, I just find it overly sad to look at. I've spoken with my parents about getting something for her in the cematary her family is in but i am unsure what my Grandad will say. I am not sure that telling him how I feel will help. My dad doesnt understand why I am sad going to the house. I don't want to upset anyone else but I just cannot grive this way that everyone else is.

I am a huge gamer , so that is probaly the biggest thing that keeps my mind settled.

Thank you for your kind words I will keep them stored safe in my phone :)

I am 5 years on from my mum's death and 2 years from my dad's. Although my parents they were also grandparents.  I still get angry, but things do get easier.

I have some items of jewellery, they make me cry sometimes but also bring me comfort and I feel my mum is with me.

I also kept a silk scarf that I put in the drawer, I don't wear it,  perhaps you could choose something small or a book to make your grandfather feel better.  

I saw with my dad he had lost his lifelong love, I hadn't realised just how bad he took it having an empty house, making his own meals, trying to keep the house sorted on his own, noone to 'do nothing,' with and chatter to.  It was my mum but she was his life. 

I also looked at getting some memorial in the cemetery but never actually decided on what, and after a year or so I was glad I didn't. I understand why your grandfather wants something closer to home and not in a cemetery, especially as you get older. He might want her close?

I don't know how you can get him to put his hearing aid in, perhaps that needs your parents.  

You need time to grieve, and I get your comment about your job.  My parents didn't tell me the whole picture in case I took time off work and yes, I would have taken unpaid leave or something. I just wish I had known and had the choice. 

Look after yourself, one day you wake up and it's not the first thing you think of and things start to get better xxx

Hang on a minute. Stop being soooo hard on yourself.

You have had a significant bereavement very recently. Sometimes it 'hurts' so much you can't even cry and all those coggs in your brain keep whirring away and they will just NOT switch off.

You sound a completely normal human to me, with all the tapestry of human emotions on offer.

I know exactly how it goes. My lovely Nana died 3 yrs ago, at the ripe old age of 95. She , too had 'conquered'bladder cancer when she was 82. Started to get poorly again about 3 weeks before she died, breast, lung and bone. Died 2 days after the diagnosis, peacefully.

At the time it was a shock, but now all the memories I have make me smile. Now this is going to sound seriously weird- her funeral was quite a nice day. Dare I say happy. Celebrating a life well lived.

In terms of her stuff, there is no way on earth I would wear my Nana's clothes!!! as smart as she looked , I am 51, so not at all the style I would ever wear (:

She had a lovely garden- so we all took one rose to transfer to our gardens. Mine flowers even year and makes me smile.

My family, like yours is full of what I call ''characters'. None of them agree on anything, always sniping, but all plod on none the less. You have no control over what they do or say.

You do have control over what you do though. Create your own memory of your NaN, things that made you smile. Maybe a scrap book, little garden (even a pot) with flowers that she liked. If you had a small bit of money, buy something as a 'tribute' to her, something to do with what she liked in life. Go to a place where you went together (once this lockdown nightmare is over).Anything that makes you smile.

Most of all remember this is all very new and raw. I'm not sure saying to someone ' times heals' helps at all, I still miss her dreadfully, BUT I have got used to her not being there if that makes sense and I now enjoy her memory.

take care

hilts

Hi DaisyW,

Thank you for reading and responding to my post. I am sorry to hear of your parents loss.

My Nan wanted me and my sister to have a piece of her jewellery or have it made into something, which is fine. My grandad would like us to value her jewellery when everything is back open again, I try to think things like 'this isn't my Nans jewellery it's someone else's' so I can cope with it. It brings back memories of the undertakers not being able to get her rings of her fingers.

Do you mind me asking why you were glad in the end you didn't get a memorial? I am worried my Grandad won't agree to it. Yes he would like her close and she liked the garden, the cemetery is next door to his road but it's still quite far for him to walk and he knew he would have to maintain it (this wouldn't be an issue though) my Nans family are in the cemetery.

I go round once a week to check on things with my Dad, I haven't been alone yet, it's frustrating as my Nan was quite good with the PC where as my Grandad isn't and can't talk to his friend on Skype unless I am there and his friend is asking me to do this and that which isn't helping.

Thank you :) 

Hi Hilts, 

Thank you for reading my post and responding, I am sorry to hear about the loss of your Nan.

Yeah, a few people say I am being hard on myself but then I think others in my family are losing a loss much bigger than me, like my Dad has said to me before 'think how Grandad feels' it's not helpful. So I feel all sorts of emotions.

It's strange as I can talk about her (sometimes get upset), make a memorial, but I can't dare enter her bedroom after the last memories I have of her in there, I can't look at her clothes. My Grandad wants the bedroom decorated ASAP but my family have a lot going on this week (we are moving house) and no one else can go round there.

I hope that time will heal, it seems to heal a lot. I fear my Grandad will say no to the memorial I want in the Cemetery. Its just something that will help me.

Thank you :) 

Hi u I am so sorry ur nan can I just say how r u coping with loss ur nan I lost my nan 5 weeks ago I have not cryed nothing yet am I going mad or wot xx I am so hurt that she bin in hosptail for 2-3 weeks came out on the Tuesday 36 hours later she was gone they told us that she was eatting drinking and walking about I saw her that wasn't my nan the opposite to wot we thought we was getting back home my mum tested her for covid which she had omg xx called the hosptail they don't test them when they come home thats so wrong