Hello everyone,
My dearest Nan passed away in December 2020 after being diagnosed with Glioblastoma. She was in good health and only began to become ill in October 2020. She had fully beat bowel cancer in February 2020 after 6 years. I know you are not supposed to have favourites but she was mine. My achievements we both wanted me to accomplish I do not feel motivated to do because I cannot tell her about them. I had a really bad year last year (actually starting from October 2019) which is still continuing (breakup, jobs, had to leave my flat, antidepressants) I am currently back with my parents. I've been having therapy with a few breaks since October 2019 but it's not always helpful.
I saw her after she passed and I watched her be carried away, I don't think this has helped me. I saw her a few times last year, obviously not as much as I could due to covid. My grandad is classed as vulnerable. I found out recently after overhearing a conversation that my family knew she had 12 weeks left to live, I did not know that and they don't know I know that, I did some research on brain tumors but I didn't not know what type it was at the time. I can imagine my Nan telling them not to tell me because of something silly like work (to me especially at the time when I hated my job, not important) my Grandad has also spreaded her ashes in a small memorial he has in his garden, my parents told him to wait. My grandad said to me the other week when I didn't want to take some clothes from my Nan 'No one wants anything of hers do they' he never puts his hearing aid in anymore, so shouting at him how I feel just doesn't feel right. The funeral was on a blisterly cold day in January this year, it was lovely to see everyone for a few minutes after but then that's it due to covid. I would have looked forward to a wake but I don't know if my grandad would be up for that in the future. I try to help out if they need anything as my Dad is a only sibling. My grandad has always been loving but unsociable, my Nan was very social.
I am so angry about all this, I don't want to seem selfish and it probably has to do with everything I've been through in the past year. I do care and I am extremely upset, I cry about it easily, I do not feel comfortable wearing clothes of the deceased or I don't generally want them. I can't look at her jewelry he wants me to sell. I want to have my own memorial made at their cemetery but money is an issue right now. At the moment I see their house as sadness and I don't like being there, the thought of having tea just with my grandad is so just so depressing, especially with my Misophonia it really sets me off because I know it will be dead silent. I used to be really excited going there after work to have dinner or breakfast when my Nan was around, it was full of conversation. Going to places they used to go to together to help with my grandads shopping desperately upsets me. I know I will regret if I don't do these things but they make me feel worse right now. I fear it looks like to family I don't care.
My Nan had a DD set up for Cancer research, we managed to raise £295 at her funeral.
Thank you so much for reading
