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Both of my parents have terminal cancer

PurpleAxolotl
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Hi all. 

I'm currently experiencing what I now know is called anticipatory grief, having just been told my dad only has weeks left. His diagnosis and deterioration have been so recent and rapid that it's been hard to process, and particularly because he's been in hospital for almost the entirety of the last four months so I haven't even been able to see him. He doesn't have a phone so we haven't spoken to him in weeks. 

Mum's diagnosis of stage four lung cancer came before my dad was first hospitalised so I was already processing that, and I'm just feeling like there's no room left in my head to look after myself, support mum and deal with knowing it's unlikely that I'm ever going to see my dad again. 

I was thinking about trying grief counselling but I don't know what to look for in a counsellor or whether anticipatory grief is something they're likely to have experience with? I haven't been able to break down and let it all out yet as I've been with my mum or my kids since the news. 

Does anyone have any advice or strategies to help me through? thank you 

  • Online

    Hello PurpleAxolotl and a warm welcome to Cancer Chat, 

    Poor you, having both your parents diagnosed with advanced cancer and going through this at the same time,  it's not surprising that you are finding it difficult to process all this. I am so sorry to hear that your dad only has weeks left and you haven't even been able to see him. The current covid situation also adds another layer of emotional distress as it is making it so difficult to be close to those we love in the final weeks of their life so this may also be adding to this anticipatory grief you seem to be experiencing.  Having to go through this whilst looking after your mum who is herself poorly with stage 4 cancer must be so hard for you at the moment. It's not surprising that you are not finding any time in the midst of all this to simply look after yourself. There is information though on our website for caregivers to help you support a loved one who has been diagnosed with cancer but also crucially to find time to look after yourself. You can read more about this on this page and I hope that you will manage to find a little bit of time to recharge your own batteries which isn't easy for you to do at the moment. 

    I think it is an excellent idea that you try grief counselling and I am sure grief counsellors will have been trained in anticipatory grief. You could talk to your GP about it and ask whether they could point you in the right direction. I definitely think you need to talk to someone and let it all out as you say as you haven't had a moment to process everything that is happening at the moment and it is a lot for you to deal with. 

    I hope that you will hear from others who have been through this before and that they will have good advice and strategies to help you cope when things are tough. We're thinking of you during this difficult time and don't hesitate to come back to the forum anytime you need to offload. 

    Best wishes, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    Hi, 

    I am so sorry to hear about your parents. It's absolutely awful for one of your parents to be going through this but it just feels cruel for you and your family to have two parents who are terminal. 
     

    Do you have any siblings? I hope you do and I hope you are close as they will know your devastation and pain and hopefully you can talk to them. 
     

    My Dad died 10 years ago to terminal cancer and my Mum died in January. My Mum had been doing quite well on her cancer journey but she died quite suddenly as she ended up in kidney failure. I'm completely lost and empty without her. My heart is broken. To have lost one parent was awful but I never expected to lose my Mum - I naively thought it couldn't happen again! 
     

    I am considering counselling but am finding it hard to reach out and make the first step. 
     

    It's heartbreaking and damaging that Covid is robbing you of precious time with your Dad. I was allowed into hospital to see my Mum when she deteriorated but luckily she was still able to talk and was aware of everything. Has the hospital gave you any hope of being allowed in. You said your Dad doesn't have a phone. Can you buy a cheap phone and drop it off to the hospital to give to him? Or can you phone the hospital to talk to him. 
     

    Wishing you so much strength to help you each and everyday. 

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