Hi everyone, I lost my 47 year old mum in October 2020 to kidney cancer which had spread to her liver and bone. I'm finding it so hard to deal with, it all happened so fast, she'd been diagnosed for 2 years and we knew it was ending but even the doctors were planning treatments for the next months. 

She went in to the hospital for a check up and ended up having to stay for fluid to be removed. I would text her most days, then the day of the second fluid removal I got no response. My dad visited and she had really gone downhill, though she was asleep the whole time.

I worried it would be the end so visited her that night, the doctor managed to wake her. I cant get that image of her out of my mind, she was confused and could barely speak, her mouth was open and purple she was so dehydrated, her skin and eyes were yellow. She was breathing very heavily and kept trying to get up when she couldn't

She wasn't very responsive, but just before we left for the night i told her I loved her and she managed to look me in the eyes and say it back.

She passed away later that night. Whenever I close my eyes I see how she was that last night, it's horrible. I dream that she's still alive and get so confused, only to wake up and remember she's gone. I really just don't know how to cope, I turned 20 in November and was just so sad she never got to see it, I'm so worried that I'll feel like that about all my milestones.