Finding it hard to cope

Hi everyone, I lost my 47 year old mum in October 2020 to kidney cancer which had spread to her liver and bone. I'm finding it so hard to deal with, it all happened so fast, she'd been diagnosed for 2 years and we knew it was ending but even the doctors were planning treatments for the next months. 

She went in to the hospital for a check up and ended up having to stay for fluid to be removed. I would text her most days, then the day of the second fluid removal I got no response. My dad visited and she had really gone downhill, though she was asleep the whole time.

I worried it would be the end so visited her that night, the doctor managed to wake her. I cant get that image of her out of my mind, she was confused and could barely speak, her mouth was open and purple she was so dehydrated, her skin and eyes were yellow. She was breathing very heavily and kept trying to get up when she couldn't

She wasn't very responsive, but just before we left for the night i told her I loved her and she managed to look me in the eyes and say it back.

She passed away later that night. Whenever I close my eyes I see how she was that last night, it's horrible. I dream that she's still alive and get so confused, only to wake up and remember she's gone. I really just don't know how to cope, I turned 20 in November and was just so sad she never got to see it, I'm so worried that I'll feel like that about all my milestones. 

  •  I'm sorry for your loss   Cancer   Took my wife  just before  Christmas  she was 39 left  to young  boys  . You will  feel  really low  but if you chat on here  it really dose help  

  • Thank you Chris, so sorry for your loss too, I'm hoping if I talk about it more it might help me to come to terms with it. Cant imagine how hard it is for you and your boys

  • Hi there ...

    I'm really sorry you lost your mum and your so young ... cancer can be so crule ... but  cancer wants to be even cruler ... it wants to take away all those loveing memories before cancer touched ... then it can make you a victim too ..

    Please remember the mum that held you as a baby ... taught you to walk and talk ... took you to school .. and watched you turn from a girl to a woman ... just look in the mirror... she's right there, she is half of you ... she is there tucked up safely in your heart ... no one and nothing can harm her there .. take her with you through your life ... she will see through your eyes ... just coz you can't see her, doesn't mean she's not there ... 

    Something I learned from a book when I was grieving is .... when it feels overwhelming an you can only see painful memories... find somewhere comfortable ... close your eyes ... think of the best funniest memory you have of your mum ... relive it slowly , really slowly .... remember every word ... say it over in your head ... remember how it  made you feel ... think of every word ... how she looked then ... do this over and over, till it pushes those bad memories away ... 

    Your mum was so much more then cancer... so don't let cancer win ... cancer was a small part of her life .. one she'd want you to forget and remember her as she was ... I'm a mum and nan with cancer ... and I know if it takes me .. I'll stick two fingers up to cancer... and every time I'd see my son smile , I'd smile too .. yea you will still feel sad .. you'll still miss her ..

    I lost my 18 year old granddaughter to acute myeloid leukaemia a few months ago... one of her favorite songs that her mum played at her last good bye was "Good times"  by the band .. "all time low"  its about saying good bye but we wont forget the good times .. if you go on u tube give it a try ... thats how we remember her .. and shes in all our heart .. sending you a vertual hug.... Chrissie x

  • I guess it's The same pain you You loved your mum to bits she was so young when she died! I'm the last person I can give you the answers but I can tell you life is cruel I've got a two year old and a nine-year-old to look afternow and I promised my wife I will do it that's why I can't do anything silly like a cliff to be with her again The only hope I've got one day I will be back in her loving arms!  Are you staying at your dad's do you have your own place or are you completely alone 

  • What you have written is lovely I'm going to look at my boys just like that thank you x

  • Hi @chris2020...

    Please listen to that song ... I still miss Jess so much, but the words to that song is so lovely ...

    Later Chris when your ready, I'd love to have a chat as I'm writting a book ( only a small one like the Mr men size)  it's about how to help kids that are grieving and how they grieve differently from adults ... the things that helped and the things that didn't... your so early , I know it's too much to ask now ...

    I've been with my two little grandkids ( Jess little sister and bro)  and I've learned a lot from them ... they are 9 and 6 ... and think people need a little book that may just help how to help them ... it's gonna take me a few months to get right ... I also helped my nieces years ago when they lost their amazing step dad and they were 11 / 9 / 7 ... 

    I hope you don't mind me asking .. it's just I so love kids ... and grieving is hard enough for us ... but them , my heart goes out to them ... it would be a free book .. this isn't a profit thing ... just something I feel passionately... but you know having those kids is a blessing ... for them you have to get up .. take them to school ( after covid) shopping and doing things for them, will get you through, one day at a time .. without little ones think us adults would never want to even get up ... I have lost 7 in my family last year .. to different things.. the only time I'm really o.k is when I'm with the little ones .. playing 'snap' or monopoly... or hide and seek.. even I spy ... it's like a bit of "normal" in a world that's far from it ..

    So hold on to them ... I'm sure your wife looks down on you all ... I bet she's very proud ... Chrissie x