It's just the most awful feeling. I keep thinking about work and whether going back would help me but I'm not ready yet. 

I know exactly what you mean. I keep thinking it's going to be so awful spending the rest of my life waiting to be back with him but that's all I can imagine doing. 

I'm no way ready to go back to work that's even if I still can I have a two-year-old I may just have to be a stay at home dad no idea what will happen! All I know is I love my children very much and have to try and be strong with them I know that's what Martyne would want . We have to remember  apparently we won't feel like this forever  I'm not so sure? And if I do get over this does that mean I didn't love  her enough??

It definitely won't mean we didn't love them enough. They know how much we love them and we always will. I think eventually it'll all feel less raw. We'll always miss them and have our sad moments but guess it will feel different in time. Part of me hopes it will but part of me is scared of feeling further away from him, if that makes sense? 

I've been off work since last March because of Phil shielding. I think I'll probably eventually throw myself into work as a distraction. I've got lovely work friends so I know they'll help me get through. Be a while though, that's for sure. 

I won't be going back for a while. I know it's not really hit me properly yet and it wouldn't be fair to the kids I teach if I go back when I'm not really ready. But when I do I'll definitely keep in touch. I think I'm on a downward trend at the minute so I think I'll feel worse before I feel any better. Still can't believe it's real if I'm honest. 

 It's was a few day after the funeral it hit me hard f ing hard! What do you mean she's dead and gone forever?  How could I just stand there and do nothing just watch her die? Where is she? How do you know she is safe was she happy with the funeral? How I going to cope? How are my boys cope? Will my boys get picked on at school why is it fair that I still have a mummy I'm 40? How can I be widow at 40? I hope that doesn't happen to you but if it does only at that time  will you feel your husband is with you  maybe in your head trying to fight them questions one by one for you  trust me he will be with you and when he's lost all his confidence because that will happen to people like me and your friends are there to pick you up take all the help you can get i'm about 5 or 6 days in front of you and I'm still in denial is the only way to cope one day at a time then your husband will be back to help you fight again this time he stronger 

I was thinking that yesterday about what did he think of the funeral. Just want to be able to talk to him properly. I do talk to him every night but need to have a conversation with him. I keep worrying about whether I did enough while he was dying. I know there wasn't anything else I could have done really but you worry, don't you? It's just the hardest thing to go through, isn't it? 

You may get a dream soon I did makes you happy because contact has been made or my brain it's just making it all up to make me feel better. Deep down you know you did enough what else could you possibly do I try and beat myself up with that question but the answer is what more could I possibly do ! Yes this is hard     Hardest thing you've ever had to face! Welcome to the  sh1t club no one wants to be a member off  we will be ok  

We will. We'll keep talking and we'll get through. Bloody rotten club to be part of though, you're right. 

Maybe tonight will be the night for my dream. I'm hoping so. 

How are you feeling today x