Hi, 

Thinking of you and your children. I lost my husband to testicular cancer on 2nd Jan after an almost 2 year fight. He was 41. We also have 2 children - 2 girls aged 11 and 7. Still feel almost numb at the minute and want to feel him with me like he promised he'd be, but I just don't yet. Praying I will one day as need to know he's there and that one day I'll be back with him. Got his funeral to come on Wednesday and currently framing a photo for the top of the coffin and noting down eulogy ideas. All feels so surreal. Got to keep going for the girls though. Sure you know that feeling. Best wishes to you and your little ones. 

Hello I know exactly what you're going throughI'm really sorry for your loss cancer is just horrible and obviously it affects The people who are left behind

 I think things will take a long time before we actually understand at all I'm much the same I walk round in limbo kind of like this can't be happening to me she's only popped out to the shop should be back soon but deep down we know what's happened and next time we'll see them as when we are up in heaven  to that's what my nine-year-old says anyway I hope it's true!  
funeral goes well Trust me you don't need to worry about it it's kind of like time stops just for a little while not really to say goodbye just to say that you love them and you had a short life but happy life 

i'm here if you do wanna talk I don't think I've ever met anyone from Newcastle because I'm from Southampton anyway trust me when I say I feel your pain that's without talking about the kids you're also grieving for the children I know I am I know they should have them and maybe it should've been me with the cancer! I love being on this website and I love talking to people sometimes when there is like radio silence I feel like oh my God what am I going to do next but the boys keep me busy

Completely agree. Can't imagine ever having an interest in that again, to be honest. Just want him back with me. Just got to keep hoping we'll be back with them one day, I guess. So hard though, isn't it? Feels like it gets harder each day sometimes. I get the constant kicks. Had them both in with me the other day and we've got a super king-size bed but littlest one still had me shoved to the edge of the bed!

We will be back with then  I have to believe that otherwise what's the point?  I know people say we do it for the children but we're not going to go back to loved ones what a waste of life that is for us I mean we still live in our lives so I have to believe that my life after this life will be my best life that makes sense??  True love never dies apparently that's what I'm holding onto! We have a big bed to not sure what size  again my wife sort it out what bed she wanted. I feel I'm going downhill very quickly now  it's true what people say about you never realised what he had till its gone  I have no idea how I'm going to get past this? It's my fault talking about  sex  we were so in love she gave her body to me completey god I miss that so much  I can't even remember the last time we did it probably just before she went into hospital I never thought that would be my last time  she was like I'm going into hospital for a few days so we better do it because I know what you're like!!  So I missed that part like crazy then that's just me being selfish really because what I miss the most is mummy for my children and that's the way it goes I've just grieve to myself and I'm grieving for my children again it's just constantly going round  I want it to stop  but then 

my brain will think I never loved her that much ? I guess I need to go back they by day thinking but that's so hard  as bills need to be paid 

It's just the most awful feeling. I keep thinking about work and whether going back would help me but I'm not ready yet. 

I know exactly what you mean. I keep thinking it's going to be so awful spending the rest of my life waiting to be back with him but that's all I can imagine doing. 

I'm no way ready to go back to work that's even if I still can I have a two-year-old I may just have to be a stay at home dad no idea what will happen! All I know is I love my children very much and have to try and be strong with them I know that's what Martyne would want . We have to remember  apparently we won't feel like this forever  I'm not so sure? And if I do get over this does that mean I didn't love  her enough??

It definitely won't mean we didn't love them enough. They know how much we love them and we always will. I think eventually it'll all feel less raw. We'll always miss them and have our sad moments but guess it will feel different in time. Part of me hopes it will but part of me is scared of feeling further away from him, if that makes sense? 

I've been off work since last March because of Phil shielding. I think I'll probably eventually throw myself into work as a distraction. I've got lovely work friends so I know they'll help me get through. Be a while though, that's for sure. 

You're probably right in time it will feel less rawBut I'm with you on that one if you feel ok with everything  not forget but are moving on happily a part or me dose feel I'm getting further away from them  it almost like turning your back on them??  Work could be a very good distraction for you if you do go back to work please remember me is I think I'm going to be at rock bottom for a long time yet and you really are helping meEven if the night we seem to be talking about loads of stuff i'm so glad I can talk to somebody like you 

I won't be going back for a while. I know it's not really hit me properly yet and it wouldn't be fair to the kids I teach if I go back when I'm not really ready. But when I do I'll definitely keep in touch. I think I'm on a downward trend at the minute so I think I'll feel worse before I feel any better. Still can't believe it's real if I'm honest. 

 It's was a few day after the funeral it hit me hard f ing hard! What do you mean she's dead and gone forever?  How could I just stand there and do nothing just watch her die? Where is she? How do you know she is safe was she happy with the funeral? How I going to cope? How are my boys cope? Will my boys get picked on at school why is it fair that I still have a mummy I'm 40? How can I be widow at 40? I hope that doesn't happen to you but if it does only at that time  will you feel your husband is with you  maybe in your head trying to fight them questions one by one for you  trust me he will be with you and when he's lost all his confidence because that will happen to people like me and your friends are there to pick you up take all the help you can get i'm about 5 or 6 days in front of you and I'm still in denial is the only way to cope one day at a time then your husband will be back to help you fight again this time he stronger 

I was thinking that yesterday about what did he think of the funeral. Just want to be able to talk to him properly. I do talk to him every night but need to have a conversation with him. I keep worrying about whether I did enough while he was dying. I know there wasn't anything else I could have done really but you worry, don't you? It's just the hardest thing to go through, isn't it? 

You may get a dream soon I did makes you happy because contact has been made or my brain it's just making it all up to make me feel better. Deep down you know you did enough what else could you possibly do I try and beat myself up with that question but the answer is what more could I possibly do ! Yes this is hard     Hardest thing you've ever had to face! Welcome to the  sh1t club no one wants to be a member off  we will be ok  

You may get a dream soon I did makes you happy because contact has been made or my brain it's just making it all up to make me feel better. Deep down you know you did enough what else could you possibly do I try and beat myself up with that question but the answer is what more could I possibly do ! Yes this is hard     Hardest thing you've ever had to face! Welcome to the  sh1t club no one wants to be a member off  we will be ok  

We will. We'll keep talking and we'll get through. Bloody rotten club to be part of though, you're right. 

Maybe tonight will be the night for my dream. I'm hoping so. 

How are you feeling today x

Hi, 

Been another hard day. Phil's ashes came home today so have set up a little area for me and the girls to remember him with a photo and candle and things. Not sure if it's the right thing to do or not but it's what I promised him I'd do so we'll see how it goes. 

Went for a walk with my best friend earlier, which was nice. Good to get a bit of a chance to talk without the girls there. 

How are you and the boys today? 

Glad you got out for a girls walk with you mate that's nice I have not got the ashes back yet  have to call someone I guess!  I'm going to do the same  for a few weeks  I think 

boys are fine  school said I'm doing great at home school ing 

 I'm still finding it hard  that dead means forever 

That's good that home schooling is going well. Been doing some with my littlest today. She's hard to motivate though. Thankfully the older one just cracks on with it so she's no bother. 

Know what you mean. Still can't get my head round it all to be honest. Keep thinking it will sink in soon but never seems to. 

 I think it going to take year s., I got fish and chips for tea and enjoyed them with the kids  even forgot about martyne for 5 mins  then hated my self  after 

We had chippy tea yesterday. Was Phil's favourite so felt odd having it without him. Know what you mean though. There are odd times when it goes out of your mind, just for a bit, then you feel awful. We shouldn't feel bad but can't help it. Definitely going to take a long, long time for it to even seem real. 

Our lives are going to be hard harder than people will ever understand   
 We are  never going to  be normal anymore if you know what a mean 

I miss my best friend lover every thing 

It's just so difficult to try and explain to others, isn't it? People mean well but they just don't get it. 

 To be honest  I don't think other people will ever understand  I think that's why there are so many widow dating site just so people can  chat as mates  and have company  not dating is dating used to be for us