Hi, 

Thinking of you and your children. I lost my husband to testicular cancer on 2nd Jan after an almost 2 year fight. He was 41. We also have 2 children - 2 girls aged 11 and 7. Still feel almost numb at the minute and want to feel him with me like he promised he'd be, but I just don't yet. Praying I will one day as need to know he's there and that one day I'll be back with him. Got his funeral to come on Wednesday and currently framing a photo for the top of the coffin and noting down eulogy ideas. All feels so surreal. Got to keep going for the girls though. Sure you know that feeling. Best wishes to you and your little ones. 

Hello I know exactly what you're going throughI'm really sorry for your loss cancer is just horrible and obviously it affects The people who are left behind

 I think things will take a long time before we actually understand at all I'm much the same I walk round in limbo kind of like this can't be happening to me she's only popped out to the shop should be back soon but deep down we know what's happened and next time we'll see them as when we are up in heaven  to that's what my nine-year-old says anyway I hope it's true!  
funeral goes well Trust me you don't need to worry about it it's kind of like time stops just for a little while not really to say goodbye just to say that you love them and you had a short life but happy life 

i'm here if you do wanna talk I don't think I've ever met anyone from Newcastle because I'm from Southampton anyway trust me when I say I feel your pain that's without talking about the kids you're also grieving for the children I know I am I know they should have them and maybe it should've been me with the cancer! I love being on this website and I love talking to people sometimes when there is like radio silence I feel like oh my God what am I going to do next but the boys keep me busy

I'm hoping it'll be as nice a send off as we can give him. I don't think it'll seem real. Kind of hoping it doesn't, if you know what I mean? 

I keep thinking that too. That we've been robbed ofthe future we should have had and that I'll always feel like this. It's just awful, isn't it? 

Your be fine tomorrow don't rush things like I say time stops   In there   It will be ok  just hold your kids tight if there going ?  He is  the children. Someone said to me you got two boys that great  half of martyne in Connor another half in Jack and two half s make a whole are never forget tha! It's not the same but it's all we can have. My future worry s me my kids futures worry me to but one day at a time remember 

Aw that's a lovely way to think of it - one half in each of them! The girls are coming tomorrow so will focus on them. They will get me through it. Just wish they didn't have to get through it. Like you say though, one day at a time. 

Grieving for yourself it's hard for the children is even harder  as you feel so sorry for them  I've still got mum and dad need them every day how will my boys cope without a mum goes over and over in my head! Is phil having a burial cremation? 

Cremation, then bringing his ashes home. Not even sure if that's right but that's what I told him I'd do and that he'd be here with us until my time comes, then the girls can bury or scatter our ashes together. 

Hannah asked me what would happen at her wedding the other day. Made me cry thinking of my dad giving me away and making a speech. 

I rely loads on my parents - we live right next to them - so makes me sad that they won't have their dad in the future. My dad is 75 and still comes and does our DIY and stuff. 

Having kids gives us something to get us out of bed each day and to go on for but it does give us a whole lot of other things to worry about to. 

Martyne  had the cremation to it was her choice then A gravestone in the local cemetery bury her ashes  And I will go there when it's my time as well basically got a pay for two plots but at least that's my death sorted out  only just done the cremation nothing else yet. Hannah on her wedding day will be so sad but in time  you both will no what to do I guess ( I don't know the answer)  that's the problem we need a mum and dad so do our kids let's be honest   Shame they hat to go. 
I truly believe if we never had children I'd of followed my wife into heaven 100%  so has my boys saved me  of am I in living hell?? Just waiting about40 years I don't know ??  Don't get me wrong glad and love my boys  but what if ?

I just thought exactly the same and felt awful for thinking that but I think it's understandable we feel like that isn't it? You're right, they need their mums and dads. So sad they have to go through this.

Thinking of you on this hard day 

Are you ok I'm thinking of you 

Are you okay I'm thinking of you all 

Are you okay I'm thinking of you all 

Hi, we're doing ok. Today went as well as these things can and the service was beautiful. Emma read a poem so I was so proud of her and know Phil will be too, wherever he is. I got through the eulogy without breaking down, which I was surprised I managed. At my mam's now having a little drink to Phil with them. How are you today? 

 Well done i'm proud of you you have that drink in fact I'm proud of all your family and amazing job for phil 

im ok had to go to Sainsbury's today to stock up that was really hard nearly breakdown in the middle of the store but managed to keep it held in Lucky the boys were with me 

Ah bless you. That's hard when it hits you when you're out and about. Well done for getting through it though. 

There was a woman at the church today from my priest's other parish recording the service for us to put online for people who weren't there. She sent me a message after and it turned out she was widowed at 45, 17 years ago. Her message was so lovely. Planning to keep in touch with her. Like we've been saying, it's good to take to people who know what we're going through, isn't it? 

 That's nice  glad you have someone else to talk to  you need to keep talking  about it  I won't ever get over my wife being taken away so young and I just pray that we will have a proper life when/if I'll meet up with her again I will never stop loving her!  Truth is I'm a mess  don't like that I'm in this position F off cancer 

Cancer is just evil. Sleep wouldn't come for me last night till about 4 o'clock. Just went from the bed, to the window, then back to bed, talking to him and asking where he is and why he won't send me a sign like a dream or something to show he's ok and waiting for me. Just feel so empty still. Like I'm surrounded by lovely people who want to help and make it better but they can't, if you know what I mean? I feel like I'm wishing for my life to be on fast forward so I can be old and ready to join him. Know that sounds awful. Just how I feel. 

How are you today? How are the boys? 

 Hello I'm ok hope you get  more sleep tonight  I'm sure phil is safe   Hopefully talking to martyne  about us?   We will be ok trust me   We have to be. All I want is to be an old man and die but what about the kids??

Sorry not been about much today  very hard day are you ok?

Been a strange day. Like when you don't know where to put yourself? Been to look at flowers again at the crem but not done much else. Hope you and the boys are ok. 

I completely understand after the funeral it's horrible it's kind of where I am at the moment it's like is that it are we supposed to just move on and forget about it as you are spending so long to getting ready for the funeral it feels like that's it nothing else to do I completely understand your pain in the way you feel! 
 

Mate I've had the day from hell I had  I have always had this one dream in particular about Martyne is that we was on the London UndergroundJust sightseeing to be honest and she meets me at the same spot same station  all the time in my normal dream only last night I was at the train station and he never turned up  the train arrived But she never got or the train strange isn't it I've had that dream for years and years has been brilliant last night was a living hell because she didn't get off the train  (i'm really crying now) how am I going to get over the loss of my wife??

Ah that sounds so stressful. Bless you. Wish I could help in some way. Keep talking though. Hopefully that will help us both. 

I wish I could remember my dreams at the minute. Have only had a couple of dreams of Phil and in those dreams he was still ill. Every night I ask him to come and visit me but he doesn't. 

Just still felt surreal looking at the flowers today. Like they were beautiful and everything but didn't feel like they were for my Phil. So strange. 

Guess all we can keep doing is what we are and taking each day as it comes. His parents were saying today how I can't stay sad forever and how I'll have to get rid of some of his stuff eventually and I just wanted to say to them that they've got no idea what it's like. I can't even begin to think of getting rid of anything yet and can't imagine getting happy again at the minute. Know I have to try for the kids but just feels like I put on a fake smile for them, really.