Hi, 

Thinking of you and your children. I lost my husband to testicular cancer on 2nd Jan after an almost 2 year fight. He was 41. We also have 2 children - 2 girls aged 11 and 7. Still feel almost numb at the minute and want to feel him with me like he promised he'd be, but I just don't yet. Praying I will one day as need to know he's there and that one day I'll be back with him. Got his funeral to come on Wednesday and currently framing a photo for the top of the coffin and noting down eulogy ideas. All feels so surreal. Got to keep going for the girls though. Sure you know that feeling. Best wishes to you and your little ones. 

Hello I know exactly what you're going throughI'm really sorry for your loss cancer is just horrible and obviously it affects The people who are left behind

 I think things will take a long time before we actually understand at all I'm much the same I walk round in limbo kind of like this can't be happening to me she's only popped out to the shop should be back soon but deep down we know what's happened and next time we'll see them as when we are up in heaven  to that's what my nine-year-old says anyway I hope it's true!  
funeral goes well Trust me you don't need to worry about it it's kind of like time stops just for a little while not really to say goodbye just to say that you love them and you had a short life but happy life 

i'm here if you do wanna talk I don't think I've ever met anyone from Newcastle because I'm from Southampton anyway trust me when I say I feel your pain that's without talking about the kids you're also grieving for the children I know I am I know they should have them and maybe it should've been me with the cancer! I love being on this website and I love talking to people sometimes when there is like radio silence I feel like oh my God what am I going to do next but the boys keep me busy

Ah that's nice that your mum and dad were really close to Martyne too. It helps, doesn't it? 

I've thought that too. Just want us to be back together as a family. Know Phil wouldn't have wanted us to go with him now though. Totally get the feeling though. Just miss him more every day. It's like he's everywhere I look and nowhere at the same time. So hard. 

Hope you manage to feel a bit better tonight. Know there's nothing I can say that will help with that though. Thinking of you. 

Martyne would be mad if I left the kids to go with her and even more mad if I brought the kids to so you want us all to have a long great life! 
 I know what you mean about looking around and you feel you can see him everywhere then you try again and he's gone nothing that's pretty much where I'm at to.

The other big thing on my mind is how did she deal with excepting dying three weeks before she died we were still being told it's all okay everything is good we are running out of options but there are still more on the table One week later the doctors come in and told us that she's only got two weeks to live we should have an early Christmas! I was a complete mess she told me don't cry I'll be okay I'm not ready to give up what are they now she must've been so scared of leaving her three favourite boys forever how can someone take it that kind of information???  Then after about two days she was comfortable at the hospice obviously completely drugged up but no pain at all! Thank you for thinking of me it means a lot I'm just sat in the kitchen crying 

Totally know what you mean. Phil took ill on 20th Dec with a seizure and up till then we thought his high dose chemo in the summer had worked. He had felt great but then he had a seizure and found it was back and in his brain. They said on 22nd that they could give palliative chemo but he'd have weeks rather than months. Can't home on 23rd but he got ill so fast and couldn't get out of bed after boxing day. Just progressed so quick. They did get on top of his pain after a few days but it still hurt him every time he moved his head. I just remember him saying I'm not ready when they told us and crying about the girls. I'm the last few days when he was awake but not able to speak any more, I just kept thinking what on earth must be going through his head? Watching the kids open their presents and knowing he never would again and stuff like that. Just awful isn't it? Totally feel for you and completely understand. 

We've just got to hope that our lovely other halves are up there watching us and sending us their love and strength, because God knows we need it. 

Yes we do! Don't want to talk about god He's meant to be the big powerful person and all he did was watch them  die why not save them??? 
 

 I think martyne or phil got you to right something on my page because your story is so like my own  in so many ways and talking to you helps me so much ( I know nothing will bring my wife back) but if I am to move on and look after the children for the next 40 years  people like you help me so much. Don't want that to sound creepy  in any way 

It doesn't sound creepy at all. Talking to you is helping me too because you get it. You understand what it's like. 

Strangely I thought that yesterday about being meant to find your post or being guided to it somehow. I was crying and talking to Phil and telling him I'm struggling and need his help to get through and by phone pinged with an e mail from this chat at the exact same time. 

It's just the hardest thing to go through and trying to deal with the grief of our kids while trying to cope ourselves is just so difficult. I know the kids will get us through though. That's the main thing. 

Glad it's not creepy it 100% not ment to be I wish I could go to a park or seaside  and everyone there felt like us  lost a husband or wife not so much mum or dad that's different. The kids would talk and play  and mummies or daddy could talk  freely about  everything or if someone didn't wanna talk to people I totally get that .I just don't like being alone  I talk to my 9 year old but he is so young   He don't really want me saying cra- 

If I was a mummy I'd think I'd understand what you say abou kids getting us through this  I don't no what I'm doing 

I don't really know if it's right, I just hope they will. My friend lost her dad when she was 11 like my Emma and her mam messaged me saying her girls got her through it and mine will get me through. I'm just hoping she's right. Still feel lost though. We were a proper team and just did everything between us so totally lost without him here. It's daft little things at times, like yesterday I made pancakes for the kids and while I used to cook them, he used to put the toppings on for the kids. I was really confused as to why the pancakes were piling up and why I had loads left over (he used to scoff a few while decorating them, of course). That totally set me off and such a little thing. 

Yeah it would be good to meet other people. Think in normal times there would be groups we could join and see people in real life but bloody covid ruins all that. 

A friend mentioned a group called WAY (widowed and young) which I think I'll look at eventually. 

Someone one here said about way  2  i'm going to have to go to a few of them I'm sure my oldest is writing about what he is struggling with About loosing mummy  so are be crying again soon

Bless him. That might be good for him though, writing it down. My two are drawing pictures because I'm going to the Chapel of Rest tomorrow to say one last goodbye so they want me to take them to send with their dad. So hard isn't it? 

Got my friend ringing soon so I can practise reading the eulogy with her on the phone. Feel like I need to read it through lots of times to try and get through it on the day. 

Good luck your be fine girl power and all that

Good luck your be fine girl power and all that

I'm off to bed hope you're phone call went well  I need this day to end 

I'm going to see if I can sleep   Hope The phone call went well 

It was nice to talk to my friend and she said the eulogy sounds good so I'm glad that's sorted. 

Getting sorted for bed too. Going to try and start getting to sleep a bit earlier that we have been. 

Hope you get a good rest and that tomorrow is a better day. Take care. 

Home schooling done I hate doing that  my wife was so much better than me at all that  hope your ok 

Sorry I've not replied. Been a really rough day. Went to see Phil one more time at the Chapel of Rest and really wished I hadn't. He didn't look like he did and have spent the rest of the day trying to get the image out of my head. 

I'm a teacher but I find home schooling a nightmare at times. My eldest is in y7 and she just gets on with hers but the 7 year old finds any excuse to get out of it and I've just not got the energy to push her to do it right now. Schools are being great though so that's good. 

How has your day been? 

That's ok  there is a lovely story called the water bug and the dragonfly on you tube may help you and the girls it's helped me explain things to the boys. I'm ok ish  love talking to people still on here not anyone else  people just don't no what to say are you ready for the funeral? I never went to the chapel of rest kind of wish I did though only because I feel guilty But to be honest I know she's not there anyway it's just the body 

I was glad I went last week as he looked peaceful but wished I'd not gone today. Wanted to put a couple of the kids' drawings with him but was a mistake to go. Never mind. Can't change it now. As you say though, that's not actually him. It's just a shell. 

Pretty much sorted for the funeral. Just need to print off bits tomorrow but done apart from that. Dreading it but also starting to feel ready for it. 

Yeah people really find it hard to know what to say, don't they? It's understandable though. I'd be the same normally I think. 

You went to the chapel of rest again for the girls so you did the right thing even if it wasn't very nice for you I'm sure phil would love you doing they  for the girls even in such a difficult time i'm sure he's looking down on you and is so proud of you  in every way!!! All I can say is don't fear the funeral of corse it not what you want to be doing but time kind of stops  for a bit  and there are other people there who kind of (not completely) feel YOUR pain  so in a strange way it's quite comforting.  I really feel your pain trust me  I'd love to give you a hug  and tell you you/my  future will be ok  but I'm not there yet  nowhere near i'm just in denial like it can't be happening  how can someone I love so much just disappear  forever when they did not want to leave and was a good kind person! Everyone always says cancer only takes the good ones

Phil's oncologist said that - that the worst things happen to the nicest people. It really seems to be true. 

My cousin has just told me time heals and keep strong but you know when you just want to say to them, you've got no idea, no idea at all what it's like. 

So glad I can chat to someone who gets it and understands the feeling of shock and disbelief and worry for the future without the person you love most.

Martyne will be so proud of you too. She'll be looking over you and your boys and will be so harpy with how you're looking after them and doing home school and everything. 

Hope your ok today I understand what you mean about your cousin I just want the day to end! Some one said to me every day you Finnish your one day closer to being with her   Can really understand  why say that ??