Over the past nine months I've been a silent visitor of this site, reading all the posts and supporting comments to help me get by. But today it's different, today isn't when it happens. It has happened. 

My spritely, healthy loving best friend and dad has passed away after battling Pancreatic Cancer since April. He's been so strong even when the failed chemo tried to kill him, out of 3 courses 2 sent him to the hospital as the white bloods cells were too low and infection set in. 

Im stuck, loss and numb. I'm 30 but never moved out. I'm back at our happy family home with my mum. I need to be strong for her but I'm struggling to cope with my own emotions. Every time I sleep I wake up sick and the tsunami hits me. 

I know he will not be gone as I am his double and will live on in all the best parts he's given to me and my brother. But it's raw. 

I have friends but no significant other and lockdown means me looking after the both of us but I just want looking after.

It was tough the last few weeks and his body fought and was stronger than we all thought. We're not a religious family and I don't know what I believe, so little comfort there.

I just can't believe he's not going to be there to watch films, go away with, laugh with. 

Lockdown is a blessing and a curse. I worked from home and we got to spend almost every day together throughout. 

I keep waiting for the stress and weight to come off my shoulders from worrying about this, jumping at every bang and phone call for 9 months, caring for him but it's just been replaced.

I love him so much.