Sorry for your loss

I lost my fiancé 5 weeks after diagnosis of metastatic pancreatic cancer, he was 37. 
 

Talking does help while it makes me upset initially I feel better for it. 
 

it might be nice to get some memory bears made using your wife's clothing for the children? It's something I plan to do, I've ordered a key ring for me and his mum with his handwriting on from birthday cards he sent me. 
 

memory jars sound lovely print off pictures of her favourite perfume would be nice. 

Hello thank you very much for having the time  to read my message and just send me a text I'm also sorry for your loss memory bears Sounds a good idea like the sound of that! It's so hard To grieve and look after the boys I just have to do my best and hope my wife is Proud of everything I'm doing  even if that all it seems to be is crying at the moment . I know it's a really stupid question but are you coping okay it's so hard to loose your lover best friend your everything so fast  that's what I'm struggling on with at The moment  x

I know I'm like why my Lewis! But he would say I took it so you would be safe, he would always see the adverts saying 1 in 2 will get cancer and he would say I will take the cancer so you can be safe even in the few weeks before he was diagnosed he said it, and after he said I've got it so you should be safe now. He never said why me. The only way I can see anything half decent from it all is Lewis was terrified of covid he never went out to shop since it started he hated wearing masks it gave him major anxiety, and being immunosuppressed in the middle of this crap right now he would be so scared. The only reason his cancer was as advanced as it was as he was scared to go to hospital and he said he would not want any operations not that he was suitable for an operation anyway. He would not want to be around right now and he is safe wherever he is now. No more harm can come to him, he's not in any more pain and not suffering anymore. 

Thank you your message dose make me feel better  my wife  is just the same as Lewis all his kind words for you just the same as my wife  I no she was so I love with me   And I was so I love with her  just hurts  that she is gone  just wish I could have her in our bed even one more night  miss everything about her she did so much for me  being a mum / amazing cook / amazing sex/ amazing best friend  now she is gone   And I'm so sad  

You lucky man! I think Lewis only cooked once or twice he said if I planned on eating anything he should not be cooking it! I did show him how to bake cakes and icing them which he enjoyed. 
everyone has said to me you two looked so in love, I've been going through his phone uploading pictures to google drive so I don't loose them I found silly snapchat videos of him telling me he loves me or when he's secretly filmed me singing while washing up. 
I remember the last night he spent in bed with me was the night he had the blood clot in his lung as I had to call the ambulance. He came home after over a week in hospital but by the time he came home his legs were swelling due to tumours in his liver obstructing the flow of fluid from the legs and then he could not get his legs up on the bed. I had to call the hospice line over that weekend and they ordered a hospital bed but it did not come for a few days so we both ended up sleeping in the lounge together. 

Im so sad too but I have to keep reminding myself he had enough and it would be selfish of me to want him here in pain and suffering. His family said I made him so happy and he had the best years of his life with me, he achieved lots of life goals with me, move out before his brother, have a 55 inch tv, go on holiday, have lots of guitars, he never even had eaten nachos before he met me so I really opened his eyes! 
 

Morning I'm a little better today  your text about  you making Lewis happy And the fact it was his best days of his life kind of make me feel the same with my wife she was so in love with me  but can't help but feel sad  for me she was my life I just keep on going round and round and round 

Yes I understand the past 6 months have been all about Lewis taking him to appointments trying different medications, caring for him so now he's gone my life feels like it has no purpose. At least you have your children. Have you got a support bubble? 

I know I will get there but it will take time and lockdown won't make it any easier but not a lot I can do about that. 

Your so right not 

much we can do but  move forward one day at a time   Just don't want to move on without her 

I know it's hard to think of doing things without them.

I spoke with a therapist from the hospice over the phone today she said it is to close that chapter while the person is not at rest. There is no funeral plans for Lewis yet, this is being sorted by his family as I don't have the finances for anything. So I feel in limbo not knowing what is going to happen to him. Also there is different opinions about burial or cremation. I said cremation and then you can have some of the ashes made into jewellery so I can always have him with me. 

How do you mean not at rest yet ? Can't you call his family and ask to be involved  Lewis would want you to be a part of  the plans I'm sure .we are going for cremation it's what  my wife wanted  then a stone in our local cemetery! All the way  I have wanted my my wife's mum  to be involved x

I mean he's still just in the funeral home waiting. I'm waiting for his mum to let me know when they were going there to make the plans she was going to call them Monday to arrange a time to go there but I've not heard anything. 

That makes sense  maybe that's why I can't see my wife in heaven I really do want  her to be up there.  I really hope  you can help with the funeral   My wife funeral is jan14   Just got pics to do music done  cindy layper true colours  going in to Rachel Platin better place with all the pics   Then her last song she always wanted bonjovi it's my life 

That makes sense  maybe that's why I can't see my wife in heaven I really do want  her to be up there.  I really hope  you can help with the funeral   My wife funeral is jan14   Just got pics to do music done  cindy layper true colours  going in to Rachel Platin better place with all the pics   Then her last song she always wanted bonjovi it's my life 

Yes I am helping picking his clothes and I know the music he wanted, wish you were here by pink floyd, I also think some Jimi Hendrix either little wing or purple haze maybe, and the bottom theme tune. 
 

I've been downloading lots of pictures from his google drive and his phone in case they want pictures. Lewis would take their old baby pictures and scan them into his computer and fix them so they would look better so I've got lots of pictures of him and his family when they were young I thought it might be nice to make them photo albums at some point as well. 
 

I'm hoping the funeral will be soon, I checked and you can still have 30 people at a funeral so that's good. 

I sure it will be  and it will be perfect for him I'm sure 

 Just done more pictures for the funeral it feels good now it's done but the pain  of which one do you pic  not good at all very hard   

I can imagine, we have so many pictures, Lewis loved photography so he has so many files of photos. 

Hi hope your ok  we were aloud for songs at funeral ! Today was a horrible day my  9 year old is  not at school with  lockdown  so I'm having to  teach him  took nearly all day to sort out my wife password s for home schooling  very hard day just shows how much I need my wife 

Yes I can imagine home schooling is hard especially if your wife sorted all of those things. I worry about things that Lewis would do too like my car which is nearly 11 years old or if something breaks, I'm quite handy and can do things but if something happens I'm stuck. I do have a good landlord who gets things fixed pretty quickly though. 
 

I had my first covid jab today being frontline staff, I went to see the work girls for abit which was nice and then ordered myself a Chinese for dinner which was delicious.

hopefully tomorrow will be easier for you for the home schooling.  

Chinese dinner good for you  and you got a COVID jab  sound like you have been busy today with always help s do you work in a hospital? Having a good landlord will help you to   You seem to be getting stronger 

Yes I work in a specialist burns intensive care unit in the NHS, I'm off at the moment but good to get this done so I will feel safer when I got back to work. 
 

stronger I hope

Omg what a job well done you  you are a hero  for so  many other people

I suppose, maybe why I am coping in some sense of the word as I could understand what was happening to Lewis and I could see the deterioration. I am still heartbroken that he's gone but me and his family were able to be with him he was in no pain and he went in his sleep as he wanted, there are so many people who are losing people and not having the chance to see them and say goodbye.