Sorry for your loss

I lost my fiancé 5 weeks after diagnosis of metastatic pancreatic cancer, he was 37. 
 

Talking does help while it makes me upset initially I feel better for it. 
 

it might be nice to get some memory bears made using your wife's clothing for the children? It's something I plan to do, I've ordered a key ring for me and his mum with his handwriting on from birthday cards he sent me. 
 

memory jars sound lovely print off pictures of her favourite perfume would be nice. 

Hello thank you very much for having the time  to read my message and just send me a text I'm also sorry for your loss memory bears Sounds a good idea like the sound of that! It's so hard To grieve and look after the boys I just have to do my best and hope my wife is Proud of everything I'm doing  even if that all it seems to be is crying at the moment . I know it's a really stupid question but are you coping okay it's so hard to loose your lover best friend your everything so fast  that's what I'm struggling on with at The moment  x

Coping maybe I have my ups and downs. 
 

he was in hospital for most of it only home for a short while before the cancer caused more complications, serious infection, serious PE then deranged bloods requiring a blood transfusion. I myself am a nurse so I understood how unwell he was and I think I have been coping in a way because of my understanding and also with how covid is at the moment I know he would of been terrified going into hospital for treatment so although it's hard for him to be gone I know he wouldn't of wanted to stay. In fact his last words were 'I've had enough' 

I've been keeping myself busy moving furniture around doing crafty things, I've been out for a muddy dog walk with my friend today. 
we had planned to go to the registry office to get married when they had opened up again after the lockdown but never got round to it, when he was in hospital the first time I bought a cheap wedding dress which he never got to see, I did buy myself a wedding ring though because when I go back to work I will not be allowed to wear my engagement ring so I wanted to still have something on. 
 

my local hospice have referred me to their bereavement support and my colleagues at work have been really supportive, it's busy at the moment with covid and the nurses are being sent everywhere but I'm not ready for that yet the GP signed me off till the end of January.

im sure your wife is so proud of you, bringing up children is a hard thing to do, and boys too, I hope there is support for you and your family going forward.

I'm glad your kind of  coping well it's a big step I'm not there yet maybe one day! Your story is hard to  read  without tears running  down my face  must of been so hard  being a nurse as well  but you did with good reason! My wife died in her sleep in a hospice lovely way to go x

It was hard because I knew when he told me he would not have long despite the drs being very positive, he was due to start chemotherapy the day he was admitted for the last time. 
when the drs told him he could not have any chemotherapy he was calm and said I just want to feel better, they started him on a syringe driver that day so he could be comfortable and not have to worry about taking all his medications. He was so calm and accepting of it I think he had felt rubbish for so long he just wanted relief from it. Lewis passed away in the hospital on the day he told he had enough, it was the evening and I had popped off the ward for a wee and a bite to eat and I knew he would be gone when I came back. He said to me the week before that he would not want me to see him that way and I don't think I could of either.

we were unable to get Lewis to a hospice as the local one was closed due to covid and closest was in tier 2 and we were 4 so they would not allow any visitors. I'm glad he stayed where he did because my old work colleagues looked after him and they were amazing, he was so comfortable and that's all I could ask for. 
 

I still cry every so often I think it's normal and part of the process, it's been 2 weeks and because of Christmas it's been a long time to sort the funeral stuff, his family are sorting all of that which I'm glad of because I don't think I could do it or even know what to do, and when I think about it I'm not even sure I would be able to be there without collapsing on the floor, screaming like some crazy lady. 

I'm so sorry my words are  rubbish at a time like this  seems when you went  for your wee and something to eat he wanted to go  it was his time   And he still wanted to protect you in the only way he knew how.  I guess my wife was lucky with the hospice  as in hospital she was week and was told to go into a hospice to build her strength up for chemotherapy also the kids can come and see her with was amazing  for all of us   So it was meant to be a few days in the hospice then home  she camehome for about an hour but the ambulance crew and my wife decided she needed to go back with she did  .even that night she sent me a pic of her boobs and said you can have them soon  but the next morning it was all the syringe driver in her keeping her out of pain for a few days x

Good woman I like her spirit send you pictures! 
I helped Lewis change his t shirt when he was able to sit out in the chair and when I pulled it down the back her put his arms round me and gave me a cuddle. It was the sweetest thing. We were lucky as they allowed his family to visit too, I even got his best mate in as his 'brother' which was nice. 
 

on his last day he put his hand on the rail and clapped it like he did when he wanted me to hold his hand. It makes me wish I never left the room. 

Yes I love her spirit to   And the pics she always sent me   At leat I have them for you it must of been lovely to change his top  and get a cuddle you must of felt all warm in side  dont feel  bad you  can't change anything he  wanted you out of the room  his words remember x

Yes I love her spirit to   And the pics she always sent me   At leat I have them for you it must of been lovely to change his top  and get a cuddle you must of felt all warm in side  dont feel  bad you  can't change anything he  wanted you out of the room  his words remember x

I know still protecting me even when he was so unwell. 
 

I miss his bear hugs he was 6ft 2 and cuddly so they were the best, my mum got me a ornament or two bears hugging for Christmas called bear hugs I've put it in his bedside table. 

Bless him I guess your a smaller girl? Putting things on his bed side table is nice idea  wife side of the room is just how she left it  even her dirty knickers and socks on the floor  don't want to move anything how silly is that? It's New Year's Eve tonight and I'm going to hate it  not a good time for me 

Ha definitely not small I'm shorter than he was but I'm still round at the middle, we had a love of burgers and chocolate on our aniversarys we would go somewhere and stay for a couple of days and find good burger restaurants! I have loads of pictures of us with various burgers. 
 

tidying up is my way of coping I think, I've always liked things just so and Lewis was like leave it where it lands lol. 
 

im going round to my sister in laws tonight for Prosecco and nibbles, they only live around the corner. 
 

There is a support group called WAY widowed and young they have a group on Facebook too, it's nice to know your not alone especially when your young, I'm 34 people don't know what to say to you but speaking to people who are in the same situation gives me comfort.

Round in the middle lol me and the wife used to go out for lots of burgers we love them I think everybody does really  I would say we are healthy people she was a lot more in to fitness. I've had a Horrible morning the death certificate has just turned up at my door    Can't do this miss her so much 

I'm sorry You can do this, your wife would want you to be strong, just think of how strong she was through her diagnosis sending you naughty pictures, we can do this. 
 

do you have family support to help with the children? Maybe sometime in your own would be good, are the hospice providing any bereavement support? I'm waiting for it they said they usually start about 8 weeks after but there is family support who I can talk too also does the hospice your wife was at have a similar support system?
 

A Christmas card turned up for us both yesterday from my aunty and uncle and in the same lot of post a sympathy card from them both too, the post has been delayed due to Christmas so there was lots of post for him yesterday. Most I just chucked in the bin. 

totally unrelated but my legs and hips are aching after that long dog walk through the mud yesterday! My gorgeous joules wellies have mud all over them! I'm going to clean them today their too pretty to be covered in mud  

Your right she thought so hard all the way through and loved life and sending her pics for me to see like I said even so close to her end  what a wonderful women yes I have lots of family support with is lovely on both sides of the family. Hospice dose offer all that but not said I want it yet I find talking on hear more Real and the counsellors just trained into know what to say whereas people like you and me are going through this the start of your last text made me cry happy tears no counsellor could do that you have picked me up and our helping me through all this hope that don't creep you out . Walking in the mud is fun  shame about your welly boots 

Not creeped out at all it's been good for me too, I had a little cry last night too, councillors will be able to help us understand our feelings but sometimes it's easier to talk to someone who actually knows what your going through.

I have been emailing the nurses at the pancreatic cancer charity since Lewis was diagnosed and it's been really helpful to me just to get things off my chest ask questions or just talk about mundane things.  

That's a good idea Emailing the nurses about thing  not sure what  I would no what to ask  what kind of mundane things? I just put the 2 year old down for a nap funeral directors wants me to find Close that she would want to be wearing  don't want to do this it's all so wrong in every way . Today is a horrible day for me thank you for listening 

Meant to say choose clothes for her

I would just ask them about his symptoms what to expect etc,  medications they would use how they help, they would ask how I am coping family and stuff, today they asked how I was sleeping asking about funeral plans, I even talked to them about my sisters dog- she usually hates me and growls when I go near one of the kids but at Christmas she come over for a stroke and asked for tummy rubs which was most unusual I said I thought Lewis had been and had a word with her. 
 

im picking something for Lewis to wear too, I bought him a camouflage zipped hoody for Christmas which he really wanted so he is going to wear that with a nice t shirt and jeans. I won't see him in his clothes but I know he would want to look nice, I'm not planning the funeral I don't have the money to pay for anything so his family are so this is something I can do towards it. I'm sure you will find something she would like to wear there will be something in the wardrobe that she felt good wearing and was comfortable in.