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Helping my mother with grief and loss

SteveyB
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Hi,

This is my first time posting here but I could do with sone advice. 
My dad died almost 2 weeks ago now from a 2 year battle with bladder cancer. The family are absolutely devastated as am I. I am really struggling with grief and trying to support my mother. My mum has been together with my dad for over 40 years. Now he is gone she is fearful of being at home on her own. Unfortunately both my parents have led a relatively private life with not many friends or family to turn to. I myself live with my partner not far away but struggle to give massive amounts of time to her due to my own work commitments etc. She real fearful of being at home on her own at night. What can I do to help her O feel at a loss?

  • Offline

    Hi SteveyB, it will be hard for Mum and I am in my 70s and my husband has stage 4 lung cancer, so I am aware of the struggles ahead.  I'm not scared but that's me, so why not have an alarm installed in her bedroom that she can activate if anything happens.  I know you can also get an alarm to wear that will activate a service, who will then contact you.  These little things might make her feel safer.  It is going to take time and patience but she has to be stronger in the future or she will become very nervous of everything.  I'm sorry for your loss.  Kind regards, Carol 

  • Offline in reply to Dor06

    Hi Carol.

    Thank you for taking the time to reply. I am sorry to hear about your husband. Its heart breaking and I know what you are going through. 

    My mum isn't scared per se. She is just lonely I think and its going to take some adjusting to not having my dad there. Especially at night when the house is quiet. The alarm is a good idea though at least it may give her some comfort that people are not that far away. So thank you for that. 
    Kind Regards

     

    SteveyB
     

  • Offline in reply to SteveyB

    Hi there ...

    I know how hard being alone is .. but there comes a point she has to reach out ... the best thing forme is this pad where I can go on 'what's app' and can be in touch with my son and grandkids ... you can face time on there too .. if you could teach her , you could say you'd call her on that for a 10 minute call in the evening ... I'm sure you could manage that, and every day she could see you and know everyday she'd get 10 minutes with you .. it's important to set a time otherwise you'll end up chatting all hours .. 

    I come on here as well, as no matter what our situation , someone relates to that ... and in helping others we get lots more back .. she can put her feelings down here .. I've been on 3 odd years now and got lots of vertual buddies ... 

    It's about finding things to do .. covid is making things harder .. but try McMillan... see if she can get some phone numbers to call ... yes be her son and buddy .. but not her crutch ... as hard as it is , we have to learn slowly to cope ... though tears are o.k ... and she will have lots of them over the years ..

    She held your hand when you were small and learning to walk ... but one day she had to let you walk on your own ... while being there to catch you if you fall .. now you can do that for your mum .. sending you a vertual hug... Chrissie x

  • Offline in reply to Chriss

    Hi Christie,

     

    Thank you for your kind words and advice it is much appreciated. I was thinking of getting her an iPad so she can engage with family etc much easier. Like you say I'm sure she will get by and with time things will get better. It's just tough seeing her greave and feeling like I can't help her. 
     

    Regards SteveyB X

  • Offline in reply to Dor06

    I lost my partner to stage 4 now just over a year later .

    More has happened to pull me down I want to die and I planning it. Although you may be in better place than me you have people that care.

    I can't find the caring.

    Take all the love you are given 

    You will get through.

     

  • in reply to Jassyanne

    Hi Jassyanne,

    I just saw your post and wanted to send a reply. I'm very sorry to read about your partner and the tough time it sounds as if you're going through.

    I see it's been a while since you posted on the forum, but I wanted to say that we are always here for support anytime. Please do use this as a safe space, even if it's just a case of writing things down and knowing there are others here who listen and understand.

    Of course I'm not sure exactly what is going on in your life but there are always other avenues for support too if you feel you need them. This includes organisations such as Cruse (bereavement care), the charity Samaritans (freephone number 116 123) local support groups, or perhaps a counsellor.

    As I say, we are always here for you for support.

    Wishing you all the best,

    Ben
    Cancer Chat Moderator

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