Hi Jango,

reading your post I felt I had to respond to you. My mum died on 2nd October. She had had breast cancer for the past 4 years. It started in one breast, was treated, and then reoccurred in the other breast. She went on to have many treatments including mastectomy, but unfortunately her cancer progressed to secondary cancers in her bones, her lungs and her liver. My mum never accepted she was dying, which did make it quite difficult along the way, but it was her way of coping. Although she was really ill at times, she always bounced back, so it was a shock when she went into hospital in September for further treatment and she never came back, dying in two weeks.

I always imagined that when mum died I would be inconsolable. I am an only child, my dad died in 1995, and prior to that he had been in the Royal Navy for 33 years, so it was very much me & mum for all of our life. I was with her for sometime during everyday since the March lockdown, and for some of that time, I stayed at her house, it has been just my mum and me for 7 months, no visitors and very few medical staff. I was with her for the whole of the four days she was at the hospice.

She died during the night whilst I was sleeping. The hospice nurse woke me and told me she had gone. I felt nothing. I packed up my things and left shortly after, just saying goodbye mum and left. The nurses assumed I would want to sit with her, but all I wanted to do was go home.

My family were devastated, crying and hugging me, I was quite matter of fact. I organised the funeral, rang up banks, insurance companies, credit card providers etc, feeling absolutely nothing. I felt very odd, very guilty and very wrong. I felt that I must be quite an odd unfeeling person. All of her friends were sympathising with me but I felt nothing. I don't know why. It's very reassuring for me to see your post.

Mum has been gone about 6 weeks now, and I think I'm starting to feel it. Now I cry at unexpected thoughts and comments, now I am starting to miss her presence, now I'm starting to feel that I hadn't told her enough that I would miss her, that I loved her, that she was brave and strong etc. We couldn't have those conversations, she was going to get better lol! I also regret being irritated by the time I had to spend with her, as there was only me. At times I felt resentful and didn't want the responsibility, but what can I do now, I can't go back.

I think I want to say to you that how ever you feel is okay, I think our minds must go into a self protection, recovery mode and you will start to feel things when you are ready. There is no time limit, and I think we can't go back, only forward. Certainly I'm now feeling very emotional and again that will probably keep changing.

Thank you for posting, I would never have written this ordinarily, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way.

tina x