Hi, I am sorry to hear that you mum is dying. I had to go through the same three years ago. I was on autopilot while she was ill with pain ( she died of colon cancer) I had to keep strong for her and myself, she was ill but doctor's or ourselves weren't prepared when one night she suddenly died. The grieving part it's horrible, and it's something that never goes away, at least in my case. I will never be near as happy as when my mum was alive. But the sadness process is something that you have to go through, it's only natural. Life will never be the same, but you will change as a person too. Let me know if you need to talk. Lots of hugs Xx

Hi Dynamosephine. It sounds like you are going through anticipatory grief. It's definitely a thing. I had it as well. My mum was diagnosed in 2018, and three weeks before she passed she was in the UCU. I was crying uncontrollably every day. What helped for me was trying to do nice things for myself, like going for walks, watching silly movies - anything at all to take my mind off of things. You really do have to be kind to yourself. 

Losing a loved one does change you. It is a new normal. I’ve read on here many times that the first year is the hardest. I would agree. It’s the “hardest”, because it’s probably when you will cry the most. Everything is raw, and it takes a long time to heal from that kind of trauma. But everyone heals differently. For me it took closer to two years to get back to a more familiar place inside of myself that was somewhat separate from the me that was attached to the loss. If that makes sense. I learned to compartmentalize the loss. So it’s still inside my head, but more like in a box. So I can still get on with my day to day life, but two and a half years on I’m not crying anymore. But believe it or not, every single day I still managed to smile or laugh a bit. There have been bright moments, on and off, since they day she passed. It’s a bit like the weather, clouds, rain, then some sun. There’s always some sun. However brief. 

For now, it’s best to take things one day at a time. Your mum isn’t gone yet, so try to find a way to be able to spend time with her while you can. And be kind to yourself, do nice things for yourself. Your mum would not want you to be thinking about joining her. Please take care!

Hello,

Just read your post from 2020 and wondered how you are doing? Your post made me feel I must send a message and just hope you reply. I feel exactly the same as you described, I can't imagine a life without my Mum, I have no children, no siblings and a father who is divorced from my Mum whom I am not close to.

Jane