Hi,

Greif is a weird thing. Theres not right or wrong and everyone has their own coping strategies. It may be that because you suffer with anxiety and depression that you are coping in this way to protect yourself. Have a look at the web page iI've put below. It was the first one i came across and i thought it may help you. If you cant click straight on it then try copy and paste into the address bar.

www.virtualhospice.ca/.../Is it normal not to cry after someone close has died_.aspx

Hi

ive just been reading the posts and I don't think there is any clear way of grieving and in what order it comes in. I lost my mum 6 weeks ago, she was battling cancer for

many years but I just thought she wiuld

live forever.

in august she just seemed to decline very quickly and died in a hospice 13 days after being told the cancer had spread. I'm really struggling to cope with her death as I miss her terribly. I'm sorry to bring this up but I feel

really guilty for not being there in the last few hours before she died. I knew she was going to day but I just couldn't witness her take her last breath, now feel

like I abandoned her when she needed me most.

sorry for the loss you are all suffering and sorry for adding to it x

Hi,

i'm jumping in here as whilst i did lose my mum to cancer when i was 34 it was many years ago now and your greif is still very raw. 

You can't just stop feeling the way youre feeling but i really do believe that your mum didn't need you to be there. She would have known and felt the love you had for her in all the years, months, days, hours and minutes before she passed. I believe that when loved ones are about to die they are at peace before they take their last breath. When my mum passed away i could see that actually she had gone a while maybe even days before she actually died. It was like she said 'see you later. I'm outta here!' What was left was just her body, not her essense.  

It sounds like you are riddled with guilt because you are woried that you did the wrong thing and that your mum would have been saying 'why is my daughter not with me?' but like i said, i dont think that is actually part of our thought process when we die, if we actually have a thought process. You may well need to connect with a couselling/bereavement service to help you come to terms with the decision that you made. Ultimately you are the one who needs to be able to live your life filled with good memories of times spent with your mum over many years, not with a single regret of 'why wasn't i there with her when she passed'. I'm sure that with time and the right guidance you will begin to feel less guilt and more at ease that you made the right choice for you.

Even at 34, when i lost my mum i felt like id lost my right arm. I wasn't with her all the time or anything like that but i still felt a sense of not knowing my position in the family and in life anymore (i was the youngest of three) and when my dad passed many years after when i was in my early 40's i had a real sense of being an orphan and feeling quite abandoned and alone, even though i was happily living with someone and had my own grown up children. Strange but true. I guess what i'm trying to say is, like you said, there is no right or wrong answer. We all just muddle through and do the best that we can.

Sorry for rambling on and i hope it made some sort of sense.

Adele x

Hi,

i'm jumping in here as whilst i did lose my mum to cancer when i was 34 it was many years ago now and your greif is still very raw. 

You can't just stop feeling the way youre feeling but i really do believe that your mum didn't need you to be there. She would have known and felt the love you had for her in all the years, months, days, hours and minutes before she passed. I believe that when loved ones are about to die they are at peace before they take their last breath. When my mum passed away i could see that actually she had gone a while maybe even days before she actually died. It was like she said 'see you later. I'm outta here!' What was left was just her body, not her essense.  

It sounds like you are riddled with guilt because you are woried that you did the wrong thing and that your mum would have been saying 'why is my daughter not with me?' but like i said, i dont think that is actually part of our thought process when we die, if we actually have a thought process. You may well need to connect with a couselling/bereavement service to help you come to terms with the decision that you made. Ultimately you are the one who needs to be able to live your life filled with good memories of times spent with your mum over many years, not with a single regret of 'why wasn't i there with her when she passed'. I'm sure that with time and the right guidance you will begin to feel less guilt and more at ease that you made the right choice for you.

Even at 34, when i lost my mum i felt like id lost my right arm. I wasn't with her all the time or anything like that but i still felt a sense of not knowing my position in the family and in life anymore (i was the youngest of three) and when my dad passed many years after when i was in my early 40's i had a real sense of being an orphan and feeling quite abandoned and alone, even though i was happily living with someone and had my own grown up children. Strange but true. I guess what i'm trying to say is, like you said, there is no right or wrong answer. We all just muddle through and do the best that we can.

Sorry for rambling on and i hope it made some sort of sense.

Adele x

Hi Adele,

Thank you very much for getting back to me as it meant a lot to hear your thoughts. I was blessed that I was with my mum everyday whilst she was in the Hospice and in the last 12 hours she was heavily sedated. I have connected with a counsellor today as I feel that my feelings of guilt have been overwhelming.

My mum has been suffering from cancer for a number of years so we have probably become far closer and speaking daily so I also feel a ahauge gap in my life. I've started to have mild anxiety attacks in the early hours but I understand that this is normal and I am managing them.

I am again so sorry for your loss and I totally appreciate appreciate that even though it may have been sometime ago, the pain of loss never goes away.

Thank you again and as you said, muddling through is just the way it has to be.

take care 

Steph x

Sounds like  youre 90% of the way there.

Stay wrong and never be afraid to reach out. Whenever you need to.

Someone will always be available with an ear or a shoulder 

Take care 

Adele xx