Oh Hotpot

My heart breaks for you. You're doing so well getting this far and going back to work. I can't imagine what you're going through.

It might sound daft but don't cancel those plans that you had. You could still travel to the places you wanted to see together. Maybe with a friend if you don't want to go on your own. 

There might be some bereavement groups that could help or other groups to help meet new people and get into a new routine.

Not being in that position I might not be of any help but didn't want to not reply to you xx

V31 - Thankyou. Without him there are no plans or dreams anymore. So many people on here the same as me, so many sad stories I have read. I cry for me but also for so many others that are going through an existence that no longer has meaning. Just another day to mark off on the calendar, tomorrow will just be another one. I look around and see so much beauty in this world, the sunsets, the trees, the birds, but it means nothing if you can't share it with the person you still love and will always love even though he's not here anymore.  

Gtp - I have been reading posts for a long time before finding the courage to write myself, how do you sum up 40yrs of happiness, a personality, hopes, dreams and love in a few sentences. A person that brightened your day just by being there and made life worth living. I don't know whether this helps me, It's a club full of very, very sad people. With no answers because there aren't any. Funny thing is people think you are depressed, I'm not, this isn't depression this is something else, a longing, a sadness,  a wishing that you could turn back the clock and fix things and the realisation that you can't.  Thankyou for replying

Gtp - I feel like I am behind glass, I see the world but I don't feel part of it. I don't see a future for me either anymore,  all I see is another day to get though, it's not living, it's dying slowly. An awful thing to say when so many are going through cancer on this forum that so desperately want to live. Rob was fine, fit, healthy, then he started to get very tired and was forgeting things, I took him to the doctors 3 times within a month, he was sent to hospital and they found it was a brain tumour, they couldn't operate and it was very agressive, 9 weeks later he died. There was no treatment, they couldn't do anything, they know so little about it. He lost the ability to walk and talk and that was hard, he could hear and understand but all the things he might have wanted to say he couldn't. They say with drug addicts they shouldn't mix,  in a way the same applies here, but only the people who have lost someone can really understand what you are going through. The world moves on and peoples lives move on, but yours doesn't it is stuck, you exist in today, you live in the past. Thankyou for replying 

I just wanted to stop by and let you know that we are extremely sorry for your loss and to let you know that the forum is here for you when you need to chat or let off steam. 

Bereavement can be one of the most painful experiences you ever go through. Your feelings can be incredibly powerful and overwhelming, so do contact your GP if at any time you feel everything is just too much. They might suggest you get some grief counselling. Or you may find it useful to contact an organisation that offers support and advice to people in this situation, such as Cruse Bereavement Care.

I do hope you get the support you need at this difficult time, with very best wishes

Sarah

Thankyou for all your replies. I tried Cruse, just cried the whole phone call then cried for another two days, Day and night, I have bags under my eyes I could carry shopping in, it didn't work for me. Doctor just wants to give me depression tablets, which I don't want to take because I know they will become a psycological crufch I won't be able to do without.  Gtp - sorry for your loss, you must have been very close, I lost my parents a long, long time ago but I still remember those feelings. Camarthenshere - My husband loved music he played the guitar and the house was filled with music all the time, they say put the radio on to stop the silence but every song has a memory.  Its hard to stay busy, my children left 10yrs ago, they are supportive and are also grieving but they have their lives to get on with, I feel I don't have that anymore. No life. My daughter says I bring her Dad into every conversation, and I do, I can't help it. 'Your Dad and I went there' 'Your Dad would have loved this' Your Dad wanted one of those'. She's not saying it in a horrible way, just that she already knows these things. But he was everything to me, every fibre in my body, I never did anything or made a decision without him. Before the same conversations would have  been 'Your Dad and I are thinking of going there'  'Wait till I tell you Dad he'll love this' Don't tell your Dad he'll want one'. I can't help talking about him and I want them to aswell. He isn't dead to me, I'm just waiting for him to come home

Totally agree with everything you say, we were a fantastic partnership, when you've been together for 35years, it's like part of you has died. It's such a strange feeling, it's a huge loss, nobody there when you come into the house. I don't want to go down the road of anti depressants, I am trying to be strong, I find exercise helps me, but still coming home to a empty house. I just miss my lovely husband so much. 

carmarthenshire - We were married 34 yrs, courted for over 6yrs before that. It's a long time, just like you. I don't know what to do anymore, he was my guiding light, I am more a pessimist whereas he was an optimist, he kept me up, gave me a reason, looked forward, made me laugh and the world was so bright. That's gone, the world is dark. I really don't want to be a part of it anymore, it holds no joy for me, no light at the end of the tunnel, just emptyness.  Nearly 9 months and it gets harder every day. They say it gets easier, but I already know it won't.

Hotpot, I understand everything you say, part of me has died, we were just so compatible, like you say he made my world bright, always calmed me down, and everything was fine, now it's so lonely, just a huge void in my life. But please try and be strong, I am sure he wouldn't like to see you like this, I know it's so difficult, it's early days for me, and it's been a huge shock. I am just taking a day at a time. Please take care.