I lost my mum to cancer and I have no support.

Hi all. My mum was unwell from February 2020. She had a pain in her breast. It persisted and I called the doctor who referred her on for a mammogram.  She previously had breast cancer and was in remission in 2012. I just knew her cancer was back as did she. Things got worse and pain began to spread. I knew she was in trouble but she also had COPD. She was sent to hospital via ambulance and due to covid was told it was a chest infection and gave antibiotics. Throughout  out 2020 she must of had 9 courses. She was discharged and clearly unwell. A week passed and she was back in again. We mentioned the possible cancer and the pain but again due to covid she was discharged. I called her doctor and said this is the cancer the pain she is in is horrendous. She got red flagged. Eventually on the 15th May she got that mammogram. She couldn't even walk into the hospital. The consultant said she wasn't fit for her mammogram and was sent I covid A&e. She got an mri this time and unfortunately it was everywhere it had mastasized to her bones and all of her organs. She died 4 weeks later and I watched her die a horrible painful death. She was terrified. Unfortunately my father died 9 years ago and I'm not close with my brother. He let her down on her dying day. He never bothered to visit her. She died thinking he didn't care. 
I have 4 kids and three of them are under 3. My partner was amazing and the day after her funeral he seemed to be his grumpy self. I understand he has been caring for the kids alone while I'd been with my mum and the same with sorting her affairs after her passing. But I feel so unsupported and it's making things so much more difficult for me. He has still got both his parent and he doesn't seem to understand. I'm am hugely stressed and upset by the arguments and lack of support. Any advice would be appreciated . 

  • Hi Michelle,

     

    I'm so sorry to read about your Mum and the terrible time she (and you) went through. That's an awful lot for you to deal with especially with 4 little ones! I don't know how you've managed. I wish I had some advice for you and I'm sure someone will be able to offer some.

     

    I lost my mum back in February to breast cancer. Since 2012 she's had chemo and then a few years later a mastectomy but the cancer returned last year and it had spread to her lungs and then to her brain. 

     

    I'm still struggling to deal with her loss: she was my best friend and I'm bereft without her. I'm married with with a two year old but don't feel I have anyone to talk to about my Mum. 

     

  • I'm sorry about your mum, it's such a difficult thing to deal with. I feel the same. The person I would of spoke to was my mum. No one else will ever understand you like your mum. Or can be there for you like your mum. I think that what makes it so difficult. 
    my dad died 9 years ago and I've never got over him. I think in time you just learn how to live with it but the pain never leaves. 
    I completely relate to how you're feeling. If you ever want to chat, I can relate. 
    Keep strong and memories alive ️

  • Hi Michelle,

    I can relate to you, it is the worst when it all happens so suddenly and to have been denied the care she needed by the very professionals that were meant to be there, that's hard. I lost my mum in January and similarly, it had spread everywhere too.. and it is the cruelest to see someone suffer so much.

    I'm not sure I have I have advice for you, but want you to know youre not alone xxx Try to keep yourself busy with things that are good for you, and do positive things for her memory. I keep thinking of planting something nice somewhere, something like that. Unfortunately unless someone has experienced it, they just don't understand it.. but it's great that youre using this forum, and hopefully you can access some support somewhere too? even if it's just grief counselling, although i'm not one to talk as I haven't even managed to do that yet..

    xx

  • Thank you so much and I'm so sorry about you mum as well. It helps to chat to others that have experienced the same. I have been given the number to a grief councillor I haven't yet reached out to them yet either . I guess it's early days it's just been 5 weeks since she died. She was the last remaining close family member and I suppose that makes it that bit harder. Thank you for your kind words. They all help and lovely to know others are in the same boat albeit not in great circumstances. I suppose it takes time for the trauma of how she passed to subside. The planting something is a great idea. I actually just visited the garden centre and got plants yesterday. I've been keeping mum and dads grave lovely to help with that too. Also donating to the hospice that she died in to get her name on a memory leaf on a tree that I and the kids can visit in the hospice gardens to go and remember her. 
    again thank you for your kind words. Strength to you xx

  • Im so sorry you lost your mum ,my dad left me 2 weeks ago :-( .I went shopping today with my husband and the lady who served us was wearing a kind of scent that just reminded me of when i went to see him at peace , i had at hold my breath it was awful. When we came out i said that was awful she smelled like when i when i went to see dad .his reply " so she smelled like Fo ma hyde  then "

     I thought he would come out with something compassionate for me but ? 

    im not sure if he is trying to keep things more normal or what but that didnt help on that occasional .

     This site has been so helpful for me please keep visiting here it will really help the macmillan phone line has helped me previous too ,it is just so unreal for me still .xx