Hi there ...

So so sorry your going through this heartbraking time at the moment... I think it's the second hardest thing we go through... second only to loosing a child.... 

My mum died suddenly from a heart attack and I had no chance to even tell her I was so proud to be her daughter.... we chatted one Monday morning on the phone about her comming up mine tomorrow... then at 5.20 that afternoon she was gone ... she was our world ... and the most wonderful nanny to my boys ... I was only 36 ... We never had tomorrow...   : ((

So all I can say to you, is hold on to every day you have with her ... say all what's in your heart.... listen to her, and hold her hand ... and make every second count .... what I'd have given for just one day .. or even one hour .... you had what I didn't... sending you a vertual hug.... Chrissie x

I have stage 4 kidney cancer. I worry about my children. The mother is the cement that keeps the family together and im scared how they will cope. They are all adults but having lost my mum so young i know its an unbearable loss. She needs reassurance that you can go on and even be happy. She needs to know that her job bringing you up is done and you can go on in a positive way without her. The thought that through  my diagnosis i am the cause of my childrens  sorrow haunts me. My son cried last night and it broke me more than the cancer has. Stay strong and positive for her. Let her know what a fab job she has done in bringing you up. Im also sure Dame Vera Lyn was right we will all meet again not sure where or when but i hold onto the fact that time is just a number. 

Thanks Chrissie, I understand some people are taken from us with no warning, I'm sad to hear about your Mum. Not having the chance to say those loving words is so painful. On the flip side yes I've had chances to tell Mam how much I love her and I know I need to be grateful for that. But the suffering she has been and is bearing is so great that it almost doesn't help. I've been telling her she is the best Mam in the world because she really is to me of course, and other things but she's always said no don't say that. I don't even know if it's modesty or fear that I'm trying to have end conversations as Mam has never wanted to know she is dying

Thanks for taking the time to reply xxx

Ahh Belinda-jayne I'm trying to take in what you are saying. Your words are so valuable. I'm hoping for good things for you and sorry to hear about your diagnosis. 

I think you understand what I need to say to my Mam because in your heart maybe, you know your children feel those things about you. You are not the cause of your children's sorry. The diagnosis is. You are their joy! That's why they are so sad.

I'm afraid to say those things because they mean letting Mam go. They sound like giving her permission to go words and Mam who's now not even eating or drinking still wants to live. My biggest fear is that at a guess the rest of my life is just too long to not see her ever again

Sending love to you & your family x

Thank you Chrissie, I can see you've had your struggles and you sound very wise with it. I understand Your feelings that you will want to be missed but also for your family to have happiness. I hope you are really well now.

Thank you for your kind words.

Nurses and people talk all the time about making Mam comfortable but it's hard to want that because comfortable just means her dying. And she still so wants to live. 

I wish I'd asked advice here a little earlier as over past 24 hours Mam is now "out of it". I can still tell her I love her and thank her but now she can't say anything back not really conscious at all.

But your words are a help and I will try to listen to them.

Best wishes to you xxx

You sound so loving and caring and it must hurt so bad. I think i can understand your pain and wish it could be magically whipped away but it cant. I think you are already greiving for the bond you have which you think is going to be torn away from you. I guess it will feel like that for a time and its wrenching. When my mum passed i would try to smell her on things try to imagine her voice. My dad once said to me dont  look back until you can smile at the happy times and i thought how cruel. I felt guilty too until i learned that guilt is a part of the grieving process and concentrated on how i had added to her life. You  added to your mums life too and you should concentrate on that. Now i can smile when i look back i can even laugh. And i still value my bond with her and this seems crazy but its still there its still real and thats what they give you the memories the knowledge that your bond is love and is unbreakable. I really believe mums become our guardian angels constantly looking over us. I feel her presence some times and it gives me strength. I also believe that the place we move to is a peaceful place away from the pain and suffering and i also believe that she wants the very best for me and my tears cause her tears and take her away from that peace. Go through the grief process with help and it quite possibly has started. Let go of  the guilt - you are not able to control the inevitable and hold her hand through this and please  try to not dwell on feelings of guilt there is no guilt of that im sure.

Belinda Jayne I saw your post about 2am 15th July and though this minute it's not making sense when I read it then it gave me the comfort I severely needed.

Mam died a few hours later. I wasn't in the room and I was petrified coz she was given more drugs. When she'd begged for a drink. In her last hours there were bits of good words said but she was also seeing some pretty awful stuff from what she was saying.

Thank you for your comfort. I have no idea how I live through this

I am so very very very sorry for your loss. Have you any family around you to share in these awful gripping moments of grief. Please try to remember that your mum is now at peace and you must turn to yourself and try to be strong and look after yourself remembering to not bottle up your grief. As i said before you seem to be such a caring person i am so sure that you will be exhausted from all the care giving you spent on your mum and the consequential emptiness will be so very raw for you now. I would love to know what your mum was like and if you would be so kind to share some of your times with her and how you take after her and what life lessons she taught you. It would be nice to share these things with you. I remember my mum with such fondness and remember how strict she was with her manners at the table and that seems to have passed through me to my children. My son who incidentally never met her always says he was raised with Granny Sylvias standards and that  he has her eyes and sense of humur too! They are always in our hearts and they always influence us. Again i am so dreadfully sorry please remember how much you loved and helped  each other it will get you through this.