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Where Are The Memories?

Midgeyyy
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I lost my mum when I was  16 years old to cancer. She got sick the first time when I was 8 and had breast cancer and a full mastectomy. The cancer returned when I was 15 and had spread to her lungs, liver, spine and brain and she was then sick for around 18 months before she passed (which was longer than we could have imagined!).

 

My mum was a single mum and I, an only child. I was THE most loved child in the universe. My childhood rich with nurture, love, laughter, care, support, empathy, freedom, I was truly so privilidged to have the mother that I did. We were inseperable, in love, just such an amazing duo known by all. Since she left, 10 years have passed and it goes up and down in terms of easiness to live a normal life. I've grown to be an extremely resillient and independent woman and can say that I am pretty proud of where I've got myself to.

 

However my biggest issue now is that I cannot remember anything. I cannot remember the trips we took in our campervan, the jokes we had, I couldn't retell a single conversation between the two of us, I could not tell you a lesson she taught me (despite her even being a primary school teacher - the best ever), and this all makes me sick.

 

It makes me extremely angry with my teenage-self. The one that took my gorgeous mother and all those moments together for granted. 

 

I am just coming onto this page for the first time and wanting to know if anyone has experienced anything similar but some how managed to retrieve those memories? I have started therapy for the first time since she passed this year and its definitely helping in some ways. I think I've managed to just coast off of my strong will from my strong mother up until now.

 

Any tips on how to get those memories back would be so appreciated.

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    Hello midgeyyy,

    I can see why you would wish to have stronger memories of your time with your mother.

    Are there any things you could use as memory triggers? For example, family heirlooms, old photos, distinctive family crockery, childhood toys, clothes, or even schoolbooks?

    Perhaps having some long chats with other people who knew your mum would help to bring back some of your own memories. Distant relatives, perhaps?

    Are there some places you could re-visit? A favourite seaside place that you used to travel to, or even the shops that you used to always visit with your mum? Places like your old schools, and houses where you used to live?

  • Offline in reply to Roger_D

    Hey Roger,

     

    Thanks so much for your response!

     

    Not bad ideas at all. I sadly have no videofootage which makes me really regret the lack of mobile phones back then!

     

    I have spoken with some of her friends and they've agreed to do a nice "60 things for Dee's 60th" her bday in october where everyone brings a memory for her (for me).

     

    Only thing is, so much of our memories were just me and her on these long trips around the world in our van and i genuinely have no footage of those and no one to jog my memories.. 

     

    Thanks again Roger

  • Offline

    Hello Midgeyyy

     

    Not long ago I replied to thank you for reading and replying to my post.

     

    I now with joy but also so much sadness know the journey your much loved mum and you her daughter her world, each others worlds have had to travel.

     

    Joy, that you both had a truly wonderful mother daughter best friend relationship.  Joy that no matter the circumstances your mum did so much to do all that you describe she did.  An amazing person an amazing mum a truly selfless strong  life loving lady who no matter what was going to give you the absolute best she could the best of everything to help you always be able to cope with all the ups and also the downs of life.  Your mum will be looking down so proud of the lady you are your love for each other and how you lived life to the full shines so much.

     

    Sad that your mum had to go through all she did and sad that you have been through so much at such a tender age.

     

    Roger D has suggested ways to bring back those treausred memories and truly I believe those memories will come back to you.

     

    I have every emphathy with how you live with uneaseiness at times in trying to live a normal life.  Proud you should be and how proud your mum will be looking down at the beautiful strong empowering young lady you are.

     

    I hope others will come and share other ways of unlocking those treausured memories.

     

    I wish you the best of everything in life and I know you will achieve so much in life by living the way your mum empowered you to be able to do.

     

    Take care virtual hugs best wishes

     

    xxxxxx

     

     

     

     

  • Offline

    Hi Midgeyy,

     

    I wish I could help directly but all I can say is that the harder you try to remember, the harder it will be to remember. Maybe your anxiety and grief are getting in the way? Those memories will unexpectedly bubble up to the surface one day - triggered by a smell, a sight, a sound, a touch or a piece of music on the radio. 

     

    This must be a fairly common phenomenon as there is a foundation set up to help. Although this is aimed at younger children, I hope some of their tips are of of help. www.winstonswish.org/.../

     

    Best wishes

    Dave

     

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