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Missing my husband

Leigh60
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Not really sure why i am posting this.  Feel so much for everyone on this forum going through so much and with this horrid virus on top of everything.

It is soon the 4th Anniversary of the loss of my most beloved husband my soulmate.  He was 60 yrs old.  He was and still is and always will be my world.  We were married for 36 yrs.  My dear dad passed away christmas day 14 84 yrs from Esophagus Cancer.  My husband was diagnosed just a few short months later with Junctional Esophagus Cancer.  I have had so much to be grateful for - some people never experience such love.

I miss my husband so much I know he is gone, to a better place I try to believe, he must be somewhere better he just must be.  But the yearning of him to come home never leaves me although I know he can't.  It is so strong and I experience such panic deep in my stomach.  I feel so alone so vunerable and so scared so alone.  I feel so lost so empty nothing makes a difference.  My family is broken and devided over nothing really the pain of losing their dad has a part to play in this and we all grieve differently I know but nothing seems to fix it no matter how I try or even don't try.  Fix it is the wrong thing to say because how can it ever be fixed.  I am trying to find away to live with it.  I have such good friends and lovely neighbours again something people don't always have.  I do things or did before this pandemic but it was a struggle very forced at times trying to do it for my husband as he would want and because my friends mean so much.  I have had bereavement counselling with our hospice and cruse really talked and it meant such a lot, ended just before last christmas.  Some days I can't stop crying and some days i get by.  The silence at home is deafening I always have the radio or tv on when home because of this.  I never feel able to truly relax at home or with friends out and about.   My grandson is my world and he keeps me here but I see so much less of him now, family rift and covid.  Our children have their lives we/I always appreciated that and have never interfered or been demanding they know we were/I am always here but it is just not there anymore.  Maybe I just want to much.   I'm finding it difficult to build a life because I don't want to I know, I want the life we had planned me and my husband I want our time I want him to have his dreams but I know this will never be it all feels so pointless and empty an existence. I feel such guilt I can't express anger,where will that get me I guess I wallow in self pity if i'm honest but I just want my husband home.  I don't know how to express what I feel but thanks for listening/reading.  I'm sorry for what you all are going through for all the sorrow pain and loss but also glad for those that recover and rebuild their lives and glad for the hope some people have or are given.  I need to add our children and grandchildren are so precious our our/my world and loved so much and always will be and  I know they loved dad/ and me too.  God bless x  

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    To Leigh and everyone on this post, 

    I lost my dad 58 to oesophagus cancer a year and four months ago. My parents were married 38 years and I have watched my mum absolutely crushed, as are we all. 
    I was pregnant with their first grandchild who came along 2 weeks after my dad went to sleep, the little baby boy has been our saviour and I think the only thing that has kept mum going. 
    I just know Leigh, that all the feelings you have written are identical to my mums and my heart breaks for you. I know how I feel as a daughter so I can't even imagine. 
     

    My dad did have a stent towards the end which did help, but hands down the hardest part was watching him struggle to eat and drink, this is such a vile type and cruel that the smallest enjoyment of eating can't even be given. 
     

    I'm so sorry for everything you are all going through and as you can see I still find comfort in coming here and reading others comments to know we are not alone x 

  • Offline in reply to sunshine1987

    Morning Sunshine1987

     

    I am truly sorry for all that your dad, mum yourself and your family have been through and going through.  

     

    Its heartbreaking that your dad didnt get to meet his little grandson.  I am so glad that your mum has you all and her little grandson in her life.  Children really do keep you going but its heart wrenching to know that your mum is going through so much and that you are too.   Grief is so over whelming and you realise when coming here just how many people are going through such loss and experiencing so many of the feelings I am going through I so wish with all my heart this was not happening for any of us.  Sometimes I say its so hard to be human to love someone so much and to then loose them before their time and at all.  I have so much to be grateful for and keep trying to tell myself that it will never be gone but its so hard to live with.

     

    My husband never had a stent because he had Junctional Oesophagus cancer so it was at the end of the Oesophagus and the top of his stomach but did cause eating problems which was so hard to have to watch.   My dad's was higher up in the Oesophagus so had the stent done twice.  Its excrutiating what it does to our loved ones so vile as you describe.

     

    Thank you so much Sunshine for reading my post and for letting me know I am not alone in how I feel.

    I truly wish with all my heart that your dad mum yourself and family wasnt going through all of this.

     

    Your little boy  is such a joy and blessing to have and will give your mum so much I know and help in ways I have no words to describe.

     

    I send virtual hugs to your mum and you all.  

     

    Take care

     

    xxx

  • Offline in reply to Leigh60

    To Leigh and other posters,

     

    It is so heart wrenching reading your stories. There are so many feelings that you have written about that apply to my current situation.

    My lovely wife passed away in June 2018 and I've gone through all the emotions. Even though  both my parents have also passed away the grief this time has been infinitely worse. I don't think things ever 'get better' and it's difficult enough trying to accept things as they are. I would trade in anything just to hold her hand for an hour. She the last person I think of at night and the first in the morning. 

    I don't feel sorry for myself and I'm really grateful that I'm here, but she was the one who suffered, and perhaps I'm suffering now but nothing like she did. 

    Lesley was diagnosed with bile duct cancer in May 2017, and like everyone else it was a huge shock. I won't go through her treatment but suffice to say she was so brave but nothing could be done. 

    We didn't get married until 4 days before she passed, in hospital. We had been together for 36 years and have grown up children. But I must admit the last two years have been horrible, it's the missing and the loss that gets me. I think other posters have put it better but I've tried my best.

    To everyone suffering this grief try and stay strong.

    Chris xx

  • Offline in reply to longcliffe

    Hello Chris

    I am so so sorry for the loss of your much loved wife, and for all you both have experienced  and you are going through.  I posted a few days ago because like you its the missing and the loss that are so overwhelming, like you the last thing you think of at night and the first thing that comes to mind when you wake in the morning and then the deafening silience.  I also feel your pain in that it never gets better.   I tried to get my feelings out by posting, and it is comforting to know we are not alone in how we feel and what we feel but its heartbreaking also to know what you and everyone else is going through.  

    You try and stay strong to and take care our loved ones will always be with us.

    xx

  • Offline in reply to Leigh60

    Hi Leigh,

     

    Thanks for the reply. I have had some bereavement counselling which was good for getting things off my chest and was quite comforting, but inevitably you have to deal with grief yourself and it can't be shared. Have you had any counselling and how did you find it, sorry if you have mention this previously :)

    I have read a book called It's OK that you're not ok, which was interesting in all the different attitudes towards grief. I guess it's another way of trying to find some sort of path through these sad times. I am really grateful i'm quite healthy and have my family but it doesn't take away the massive loss that exists.

    Take care

    Chris xx

     

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