I lost my mum at 6.15pm on 14th August 2019.
In 1 weeks time, I will turn 30
In 2 weeks time, my mum would have turned 55
In 3 weeks time, it should have been my wedding day
In 6 weeks time, it has been a year since she died.
A YEAR?!
I'd never written on any forum about losing my mum until this afternoon. I was scrolling through my Facebook page this morning and a video showed a bride walking down the aisle to Canon in D, which is my wedding song. I started thinking about my wedding, and it hit me again that she wouldn't be there with me. I just totally lost it, started having a panic attack and sat in the shower crying.
I hate the guilt that totally overwhelms me and the negative memories that haunt me. My 30th birthday is just around the corner and it will be my first birthday without her and my first milestone as well.
My anxiety is huge at the moment, and I don't know how to enjoy my birthday without her
Many of our members know how difficult those 'firsts' can be after a loved one has passed so I'm sure some of them will be along soon to offer their support and advice but in the meantime I just wanted to let you know that we're thinking of you and sending strength and virtual hugs your way.
I'm so very sorry for your loss, I understand the crying in the shower and panic attacks. Its so hard isn't it, the world keeps moving forward and I want it to stop and shout out...my mum died, life isn't the same. I am further along in this very sad journey, my beautiful mum passed away 26 September 2018 and I think about her every day.
Your mum was younger than I am now, life is so cruel sometimes but whatever age, doesn't lessen the pain.
Many people say about the guilt, I struggle with that too, if only we could turn back the clock, act differently, say more or maybe less, it eats away at me, my husband says I need to let it go. I panic that my mum didnt know how much I loved her, I wish I had told her that more, sadly mum had dementia as well as blood cancer, did she remember that I said how I felt? But we do the best we can at the time and mum's love us unconditionally; somebody told me, you have to forgive yourself.
My birthday was 4 days after mum died, when I opened my card and it said 'from dad', it broke me.
The 'firsts' are so difficult, I bought a card to put on mums grave for her birthday and wrote in it how I felt. Some people say it helps to write down things that happen that you would have shared with your mum; I talk to photo's of mum, sometimes with tears, other times with a smile, when I know she would have smiled.
Can you talk to your GP, he/she should be able to advise regarding counselling bodies, if you feel that may help? Are your family members close by, your dad?
It's a personal thing but I think mum still watches over us; she would be heartbroken to see me and our family so sad, not wanting us to carry our grief forever but try and remember happier memories....and we do, we dont forget her in our conversations.
However you plan to spend your time on your birthday, I know it will be hard but I hope you will be ok.
I promise you, it will become easier, that doesn't mean we forget but the negative memories will lessen and you will be stronger than you think even possible.
I'm not very good at putting things into words, I guess I just wanted to say, although we're all individual and so is our grief, I understand how you feel and I am so sorry.
