Thank you Adam,  yeah i find I have to avoid thinking about it all too much or actually my brain just naturally shuts down as I think it's just all too much. I am the youngest by quite a gap and have always been so clingy with my mum,  she actually called me "mummy" sometimes too! Every time we spoke we ended with love yous back n forth for ages & i always told my mum I loved her more than anyone. We are very similar too & I feel quite different from others in my family although it's been some comfort to msg each other.  I had a kind of breakdown the other day in the street,  I couldn't stop crying & felt the most intense fear but after that my mind went numb again.

I have guilt too that i wasn't there when she passed away,  none of us were she was with an overnight carer & it happened quite unexpectedly despite her being unwell for 4 years. She actually didn't have cancer but she had the most horrible, disabling neurological disease ..watching her decline was agonising & I scoured the internet day after day,  finding new things/ supplements etc for her to try I knew living without her would be unbearable so I decided it wasn't acceptable that she could actually die, but, despite everything we tried.. she did! It's still shocking that she did. Before the illness took hold she was so vibrant,  youthful & active. She was an extreme beauty & alwsys had many admirers. She was also so intelligent,  warm,  caring and kind & selfless she put us above everything. I felt important and special to her and now I feel completely crushed & weak like I have no security & I'm just being buffered around. 

I have regrets that I didn't give up my life in the city I'm in to care for her..I found it so upsetting to see her so helpless & disabled and I think I was in denial & just couldn't deal with it.  Now I feel like I should have been there with her 24/7, though I was with her for 5 months shielding & visited as much as I could & called her several times a day,  video chats etc.

She seemed to be doing ok in the context of the illness,  then she was given a new medication which none of us knew about, she got so sick from it & then she died 2 days later in the night! None of us had an inkling that was going to happen but it did! Im angry the carer didn't call any of us when she must have seemed really bad I don't understand it at all. So all of that life together& love shared and she just slipped away in the night like that... and now I don't know if she's ok or where she is (if anywhere at all,  in spirit form) To compound things, one of  my older sisters passed away suddenly 9 months ago too so I'm still dealing with her loss too & my mum had to cope with that while she was so ill herself,  it has all just been awful. We've gone from a family of 6 to 4 in less than a year. I mean we'll always be 6 really.. but you know what i mean

Having been through another major loss 10 years ago & having had some profound experiences following that I am pretty open to the idea that we exist in spirit form after death but all of that isn't helping me much right now & I still have my doubts anyhow. 

Just distracting myself moment to moment rn, how are you doing today? X 

Sadly, I have regrets every day that I didn't give him more (when he was comparatively well). But I think we have to learn to be kind to ourselves. I'm sure your mum felt blessed to have you as a daughter

I feel exactly the same. I lost my dad 9th May 2020 and my life felt like it ended that day also. It's never come back. My dad is my first thought every morning and my last thought every night. I literally hate my life without him and I'm sick to death of people telling me that it will get better with time because my heart knows it won't, it's just getting worse. I'm currently 5 months pregnant and what makes me feel worse is knowing that my bestest friend in the whole wide world isn't here to see my scan pictures or hold my son when he's born. I have to go through this feeling alone and even though my partner is comforting when I get upset, no one will ever make me feel better like my dad used to. I just miss him so much and the days seem so long without him. Even just being able to call him and hear his voice would make me feel better but now I can only listen to his voicemail just to hear him speak. I'm so sorry for what you're going through as this pain literally does break your heart and shatter it. If you ever need a friend please know that I am here for you always.

I lost my mom in Oct 2020, I echo everything you said, except I'm not pregnant (or female). Especially that the days seem long, I wish they were about 4 hours shorter and it got dark earlier.  I'm alone left with no real family, people say I need to move on and get distractions.  Only the people that know really know what its like

I completely agree.. until you go through losing someone, especially when they are your whole world then nobody will ever understand the pain. We don't need distractions because that just prolongs the hurt, we just need that person back in our lives to feel whole again. I hate it when people say to move on or get over it because that hurts more hearing that than not hearing anything at all. I've surrounded myself with pictures of my dad and I speak to him like he's in the room with me just in the hope that one day I might get a reply. If you ever want to talk or cry together then please reach out to me because I will do anything I can to help you cope in any sort of way. 

Hi jodisuara,

I had written an extremely long response to your message but now see that it was not posted - bl**dy internet!

To summarise what I had written: I understand every word you've written. In fact, everything you say about yourself and your dad I could have said about myself and mine. I wish your dad were there to see his grandson (when he's born). I completely understand why it feels so wretched for you to be without your dad. I'm glad, though, that you're able to listen to his voicemail. Hopefully that gives you some comfort. Personally, I can't do anything like that. If I look at anything related to my father for too long, I feel I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown. 

You're right - the pain breaks your heart. Sadly, it's also destroyed my soul. There was really only one thing in the universe that I cared about, heart and soul, and that's gone now. I hope that for you, with your son, you'll have someone else you love so deeply that you're able to live. But I completely understand if it still feels almost impossible to manage. Wishing you strength

Hello, just seen this..... I sat sobbing in my garden longing for my dad, it's been 5 months since he left me

i feel so alone, my world feels pointless without my dad. Silly question but how have u been feeling ? I just want to be with my dad 

My heart goes out to you. Unfortunately I have nothing comforting to say because I can't find any comfort myself. You say your world feels pointless without your dad. I get that. My world feels pointless too. In fact, THE world feels pointless - mine, and everybody else's. 

Your last sentence sums it up perfectly: I just want to be with my dad.

P.S. Hopefully you have some supportive people in your life who can help or at least try to understand.

Hello All

l lost my Dad in 1999 

he was my best friend I worked with him 24 7 we had a business together I still miss him to this day!! he missed out on my third son being born I still cry and dream about my lovey Dad Stan 

Love to everybody grieving 

XXCC