Hello Adam (AKA Bras 1548), judging from everything you said, I know that your dad was one in a million (like mine)! I lost my dad to lung cancer 3 years ago. Like yours, my dad was my everything. Ever since I was a litte girl, I was afraid to lose him and I would cry at the thought of it. I remember he worked a blue-collar job just to support my mom and 3 kids. I also remember when he bought me a prom dress that he could barely afford. I can go on forever talking about all of the sacrifices that he made. For about the first 2 years after his passing, I felt like a lost soul or a leaf blowing in the wind without any direction. I also felt like you in many ways. I couldn't imagine life without him. I am 37 years old and still single with no kids because I also felt/ feel like you as far as not having interest in meeting anyone or starting a family. I actually ended a 14 year relationship shortly after my dad passed because when we lose a parent, our life tends to fall apart before it starts to get better. I feel like although our dads are no longer in the physical world, they are still working on us and helping us put things into perspective from the other side. I know you mentioned that nothing cliché seems to help such as "what would your dad want for you" or "things will get better in time". TRUST ME when I say that I know the pain you are feeling. My pain was so intense that my chest would hurt. It felt as though my heart was literally breaking but I still have my 77 year old mom and young nephews to look after. Suddenly and unexpectedly, I met someone who lost both of his parents before the age of 18 then I realized how fortunate I was to have my dad for 34 years as it could've been worse. I had moved over 1,100 miles away from my home state where I had lived the majority of my life. I knew no one nor did I have any memories of my dad there so the change of scenery somewhat helped. It's amazing what can happen when you're out of your comfort zone. I was offered the best job I had ever had without having applied for it. They paid for me to go back to school and earn my master's degree. I was then able to afford to build a house. My point is that I feel my dad is opening doors for me from the other side. I know that you don't see it right now but your dad will start opening doors for you too. Also, rather than thinking about how much time you have left on this earth without him, look at this way... every day that passes is a day closer to seeing him again but until then live as best as you can and make him proud. Don't  take any BS from anyone and be the person your dad intended for you to be. Live by the lifelong values that he instilled in you (for he will live through you). God bless you and your family... until you meet again. Your dad is dancing in the Lord's glory, Amen and Hallelujah!

Hi rebvelaz83,

Thanks for taking the time to write your message. I'm very glad to hear that your life has started to take a turn for the better. I can certainly imagine the benefits of being able to start afresh somewhere new with little or nothing to remind you of the loss. I have thought about moving abroad myself too. However, my job is here and my mother (who has had a cancer scare of her own) is also here, so I don't feel I can leave just yet.

The depth of the pain I feel (when I remember the suffering my father endured, or reflect on the fact that I can't be with him again) is utterly overwhelming. The only thing I can think of that would make it better is being with him again - wrapping my arms around him and holding him. I've never loved or been loved by anybody like that. And it won't - it can't - happen again. 

I don't have my father's zest for life, or his enthusiasm for meeting people. I have nothing in me now. No desire, no hopes for the future, no interest in building a family of my own.

Everything you say seems absolutely right to me. I just don't have any interest in life without my dad.

Thank you for your response, bras1548. Please note that although my life has somewhat changed for the better, I would trade it all just to have my dad back again. Knowing that he is not physically here to enjoy my life with me or that my future husband or kids will never know him, etc. makes me not want to have them. Sometimes I feel like I've already served my purpose which was to care for my parents. I know that for you and I both, the sun will never shine the same again... but it will shine again. I do not underestimate your pain and suffering over your tremendous loss because again, I know the magnitude of pain so take as much time as you need to grieve, cry, scream, etc. But also pray even to your dad. He can still hear you and your thoughts, and he will NEVER leave you. I think it's wonderful that you are still around for your mom as she needs you. Because your dad's passing is so recent, your wounds are fresh right now therefore you are remembering his suffering here on this earth but when those thoughts arise, try not to let them take over your mind. The next time that ANY negative thought enters your head, think or say "NOT TODAY!" and replace that thought with a happy memory of your dad. I promise you that in due time, there will come a time when you will think about him and just smile. You will think about your fond memories and laugh at funny moments that you both shared together. We are only passing through this earth until we reach our final destination. We are not meant to stay here. I understand how you feel when you say that you will never love or be loved the same way again. Even for me, no one can ever fill my dad's shoes or admire me the way he did. He was my biggest fan! I was definitely a "daddy's girl" and I still have my moments. It is okay and expected to feel depressed over the loss of your dad but be sure not to fall into a deep depression. As I previously mentioned, you will see him again. I hope that you find comfort in knowing that your dad is no longer suffering for he is whole and new again. His physical body was only a shell but his spirit is free now and lives on which is why I also previously mentioned that he is dancing and rerejoicing in the Lord's glory. It's okay to not feel optimistic about your future so just live for the day. Everything will be okay. Don't hesitate to ever reach out to me or anyone on this board as we have all felt and still feel your pain so you are not alone. I'm sure that your dad was a beautiful one of a kind man. God bless his soul.

THanks again for your hopeful thoughts. I wish I could find the sort of belief and hope you have. Like you, I would trade everything to be with my dad again. I would have given my life to go with him. He was my angel.

Is that your father in the photo? And the two boys? It's a very nice photo

Thank you again for your response and for your compliment on my profile photo. Yes, that is my dad along with my nephews (his grandchildren). We all adored him. Like you, I would've traded places with him too but you know that we are not meant to go before our parents. Whether you realize it or not, I think that you already have hope and strength just for being vulnerable and reaching out. Again, everything will be okay but you have to trust and believe that you will see him again.

Thank you again for your response and for your compliment on my profile photo. Yes, that is my dad along with my nephews (his grandchildren). We all adored him. Like you, I would've traded places with him too but you know that we are not meant to go before our parents. Whether you realize it or not, I think that you already have hope and strength just for being vulnerable and reaching out. Again, everything will be okay but you have to trust and believe that you will see him again.