Cancer Research UK main site

I can't live without my dad - anyone feel the same?

bras1548
Offline

Hi everyone,

 

My father died almost 6 months ago. He was my best friend, my soulmate, my inspiration, my confidant, basically the love of my life. I will never love anyone that way again. He was my other half. We communicated almost every single day in some way (although I have regrets about how I handled this, which I may share another time). The point, though, is this:

 

I don't think I can live without him.

 

He meant more to me than life itself. He was my oxygen, my sunshine, my everything. He was the most remarkable and wonderful human being I have ever known (and will ever know). Every day now I have the pain of realising that he won't ever be with me again. I'm writing this post for one reason: to find other people who feel the same or at least similar.

 

Here are some things that I have NOT found helpful:

 

- People telling me to think about "what he would have wanted". Yes, of course he would have wanted me to go on and live my life. But I don't see how I can live a happy life without him.

 

- People telling me that things "get better in time." Maybe they do, maybe they don't. For some people they actually don't. Some people never recover from the loss of a loved one. He wasn't just a "loved one." He was EVERYTHING to me. And now I have the rest of my life to be WITHOUT him.

 

My love for my father was deeper and more intense than anything else I've ever known. Life feels completely meaningless without him. I have no interest in starting my own family; no interest in meeting somebody; no interest in connecting with others. Without my father in my life, those things don't mean anything to me.

 

The ONLY thing I want is to be with my father again - to wrap my arms around him and never let go. I've never felt love from anyone the way I did from him. He showered me with warmth and love.

 

Does anyone feel the same? 

 

Adam

 

 

  • Offline

    Adam,

     

    I know exactly how you feel, I felt the same when my father died tewnty years ago. I can only offer you two thoughts.

     

    These are just the things that worked for me. I may be completely wrong about you in which case feel free to ignore what I say and curse me for a fool.

     

    Firstly you are right. Things don't "get better in time", all I can say is that in the end I got used to the fact that they weren't going to.

     

    Secondly I found that creating memorials helps. I sponsored a tiger at London Zoo and had them put up a plate commemorating him with the words "He took his son to the zoo." I found someone to take over the steam engine he was building when he died and finish it. I put a lot of effort into finding quotations for his memorial stone. The point is that you've got a lot of energy from your love for him which is just exploding inside you because it's got nowhere to go. Putting that energy into creating things means you are passing his love on to other people.

     

    Hope that helps.

    R

  • Offline in reply to RobertB

    Thank you for your message Robert. I may give those things a go at some point, if/when I find the energy and strength. I'm glad those things helped you. They do make sense.

  • Offline in reply to bras1548

    Thank you for your response, bras1548. Please note that although my life has somewhat changed for the better, I would trade it all just to have my dad back again. Knowing that he is not physically here to enjoy my life with me or that my future husband or kids will never know him, etc. makes me not want to have them. Sometimes I feel like I've already served my purpose which was to care for my parents. I know that for you and I both, the sun will never shine the same again... but it will shine again. I do not underestimate your pain and suffering over your tremendous loss because again, I know the magnitude of pain so take as much time as you need to grieve, cry, scream, etc. But also pray even to your dad. He can still hear you and your thoughts, and he will NEVER leave you. I think it's wonderful that you are still around for your mom as she needs you. Because your dad's passing is so recent, your wounds are fresh right now therefore you are remembering his suffering here on this earth but when those thoughts arise, try not to let them take over your mind. The next time that ANY negative thought enters your head, think or say "NOT TODAY!" and replace that thought with a happy memory of your dad. I promise you that in due time, there will come a time when you will think about him and just smile. You will think about your fond memories and laugh at funny moments that you both shared together. We are only passing through this earth until we reach our final destination. We are not meant to stay here. I understand how you feel when you say that you will never love or be loved the same way again. Even for me, no one can ever fill my dad's shoes or admire me the way he did. He was my biggest fan! I was definitely a "daddy's girl" and I still have my moments. It is okay and expected to feel depressed over the loss of your dad but be sure not to fall into a deep depression. As I previously mentioned, you will see him again. I hope that you find comfort in knowing that your dad is no longer suffering for he is whole and new again. His physical body was only a shell but his spirit is free now and lives on which is why I also previously mentioned that he is dancing and rerejoicing in the Lord's glory. It's okay to not feel optimistic about your future so just live for the day. Everything will be okay. Don't hesitate to ever reach out to me or anyone on this board as we have all felt and still feel your pain so you are not alone. I'm sure that your dad was a beautiful one of a kind man. God bless his soul.

  • Offline in reply to rebvelaz83

    THanks again for your hopeful thoughts. I wish I could find the sort of belief and hope you have. Like you, I would trade everything to be with my dad again. I would have given my life to go with him. He was my angel.

     

    Is that your father in the photo? And the two boys? It's a very nice photo

  • Offline in reply to bras1548

    Thank you again for your response and for your compliment on my profile photo. Yes, that is my dad along with my nephews (his grandchildren). We all adored him. Like you, I would've traded places with him too but you know that we are not meant to go before our parents. Whether you realize it or not, I think that you already have hope and strength just for being vulnerable and reaching out. Again, everything will be okay but you have to trust and believe that you will see him again.

  • Offline

    My dad died on the 24th August. I cannot imagine our lives without him. I'm actually struggling to get my mind to accept it. 

    Going to visit my mum, without him being there, is just unimaginable to me. 

     

    I can't live without my dad

  • Offline in reply to Smithster

    I'm so sorry to hear that Smithster. It's horrendous. My mind hasn't accepted it either and probably won't for a very, very, very long time (if ever).

     

     

  • Offline in reply to bras1548

    Thank you so much bras1548.   Xx

  • Offline

    It's my mum I've lost but your words also describe how I feel. Life just seems bleak. I don't know how to navigate through life without her. 

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.