My love goes out to yeh. I too looked after my partner until the very end when he went to a local hospice. He passed so peacefully which was a god send. I know what your going through as so many are. But know this you are not alone these are such awful times i wish i could give you words that make you feel better. But only time will do that. Losing someone should never be. But life has its own plan. We cant change it unfortunatley, we can be here for one another that i have come beleive. I send you all my love..god blessxxxx

Honestly my friend, my grief was a few weeks later, I thought it had started when Andrea was dying .But lately crying everyday wonder where is she, thank you my friend 

Hi Paul thanks for you post my friend, there’s some great people on here who unfortunately share our tragic circumstances, I’m trying to buck my ideas up but can’t . I feel as though I’m letting people down by not following advice and move forward, I cry everyday sometimes it comes unannounced and is sporadic. People have mentioned does Andrea visit you in your dreams , yes she does but they are weird dreams, because it’s in old houses that we have lived in, for example waiting on the doorstep for Andrea to get off the bus from work but she isn’t on the bus she’s upstairs . In another dream Andrea says to me we can’t do that because I’m dead now Ray .Mad mad ..I’m still off work but I saw a colleague today not the best of the bunch and they ignored me and e thought are you ignoring me because you think I’m shirking off work and should get on with it ..people if you read this I’m not the job I do is that you have to be 100% switched on no room for error if a situation occurs and I dot feel anyway near that . I’m lost and unstructured living day by day ,counselling on Wednesday again what a loser I am.

Your not a looser at all your grieving i was a basket case for a year .you will probably find many people dont know how to deal with bereved one so they ignore it .in a few months you may find people will change the subject or totalaly ignore what you say .its they just dont know how to deal with it. Shakespeare said everyones an expert on grief till they have to go through it themselves and i dont think a truer word was spoken . I wouldnt worry about work colleges thats all they are you will find who your true ones are people you would never expect with come up to the plate because maybe they have gone through it themselves and understand what a truely agonising thing it is .but like me the pain dwindles but so slowly you dont even notice so just hang onto that thaught my friend you will start to funtion again but it takes time and what you do with that time like your counciling keep at it i thought when i came out first session god that was awfull but it will be at first because your talking about its only logical . But as time goes on it will be your lifeline and its ill about you and thats what its for. I dont think we actualy die mabe our bodys die but the energy that makes us is there forever .as to your dreams andreas not going to come in your dreams when she was ill it will be a better time when things were good i suppose its bound to be a bit mixed up .as lets be right we go a bit bonkers we resort to our emotional self for a while not our logical selves to be honest you have know control your brain protects you it numbs things and you get forgetfull its protecting you from the stark reality of it all i truely think we would go mad if it didnt. Just hold onto the thought this gut wrenching pain and lonelyness will ease just thake it  hour  by hour then day by day youl meet again theres more in this world we will ever understand or are ment to youl realise that as time goes by.paul

Paul , thanks for that , I thought I ways a sole person going through this , but unfortunately I’m not . I’m in a bit of a selfish world from my part friends are saying Ray when this covid  mess is over we will meet up and do this and that. Hang on a minute , I don’t live your lifestyle I’ve heard you say me and the wife are going to visit places, get a hotel have a meal etc. I keep on getting corrected by my daughter who says dad .. stop it . The counsellor will hear it all on Wednesday.. and then what !! What would Andrea say if she was to see you now . Ahhh . Another day in this rubbish world, so sad and lost , nah got to get better x

You said it mate ye you got to get better .liz and i only needed oneanothere so it was harder but two years ago i was like yourself as i said its now like a dull ache just you keep telling yourself i will be ok and eventualy you will . I joined a social group i go for meals with em it fills a miniscule hole liz left but dont hit the alcohol it makes it worse maybe you have hit rock bottom by coming on here and where can you go then the only way is up myself theres two forms of grief we grieve for aurselves which ok can seem selfish then for our loved ones you have to get through the latter first dont get stuck in it . ye they think a night out and that will sort you out if only it did but nice of em to try. a lot dont even familie can let you down one day at a time eh .p

So sorry. I wish I could find someone to talk to . I trie a while back. Coming up for a year after losing my husband, love of all my life . The pain is horrible. I send you my thoughts . Take care 

Hi talk to me then your not alone on here your in a club that we would dearly not wish we were in but we are . The thing is at times we are so lost in our greif we dont hear we cant our heads are jumbled up with pain and emtyness when we are ready to talk the world around us has gone back to normal and as ive said people change the subject or preten you havnt said anything its flippin annoying or theye think going out for a night out will suddenly cure you of your sadness they do there best but how  do they know it takes a long time to get normality back into your life just going out and not having to say your going out is alian because your a half a person but you do get used to it eventualy how long is up to yourself these are only my views but life does change and takes on a new meaning no matter how you try to hold onto it so how are you??? I only got a bit of your story if you want to tell how it all happend for you your more than wellcome and helping otheres and sharing helps such a lot .paul

Thank you for your reply , I will take you up on your offer , I'm sure it will help.

Annie 

Your wellcome Annie so what happend what type of cancer ??? 

Hello , had a really bad day yesterday and to top it off I got an email from the funeral director with an invoice for the funeral. The invoice was delayed because of the covid 19 mess that were going through. Just looking at the damned thing , another reminder that it’s final no coming back . There are places times of day which I dread now words have made it into that list, Words like dead, death they all definite I avoid saying them using other more compassionate ones to honour Andreas robbed life. The service was beautiful with songs lates that Andrea loved and one which we chose a snow patrol song covered by Leona Lewis , if anybody reads this please listen to that track it was Andrea there with us saying goodbye for now x . Crying again now . There wasn’t many at the funeral eventhough Andrea had many people on her Facebook page , one of her friends paid her respects by standing on the roadside as the hearse left her childhood home . Well another day to get through, unplanned and unstructured muddle, counselling tomorrow, I’ve got loads to get off my chest , had another dream of Andrea where she came back to see us , but wasn’t staying because I said do you want your phone from the memory box , and she said no I don’t need it x bless you Andrea , our marriage wasn’t always birds singing and rose petals dropped at our feet , but we met young and would have celebrated 26 years of marriage a few days after you passed. I’m hoping you make a show at your 50 th in August xxx love to all who read this and try and listen to the Leona Lewis cover of snow patrol xx you won’t be disappointed xx love and cherish your loved ones xxx

Hi, just listened to your song, breaks your heart doesnt it, but I have found music a help through this whole nightmare. Last night I woke with a song insistant in my head I believe Tom put there for me - The Rose by Bette Midler. It was one of Tom's favourites but I havent heard it for ages,  been listening to it over and over today and crying my eyes out.  about 3 weeks ago the same thing happened, woke with a song pounding in my head- simple minds, dont you forget about me. Also really appropriate and i believe a message from him. I keep visualizing him around the place, standing at the kitchen bench making his coffee, driving the car,  putting a picture up on the wall, sitting on the couch scoffing his dinner, you name it, I can picture him doing it. Life seems so empty now...our lives weren't perfect,  we had our arguments like anyone else,  but when something like this happens you realize how much you mean to each other. No one else can really understand who using had that loss. Some appear to not even bother.  I went to school on Friday,  my 13 year old was running in the school cross country (and won easily,  something positive to come out of this I guess,  since Tom got sick she runs every day with the dog, it's like therapy for her, and shes good). Hardly any of the parents I knew spoke to me, most avoided my eyes, felt like a leper. The ones that spoke were people I dont know who obviously dont know what's happened! The rest were too embarrassed or something...hated it but glad I turned up for my girl, Tom would've loved to see her lick the pants off them all! Toms sister just had a baby on Friday too. Went to see her at the weekend in hospital,  was horrible being back there, my hands went all sweaty and I felt sick to my stomach remembering him being in bed in there in so much pain. Couldnt stay long. And them all so happy was hard to take..they have gone from family of three to family of four,  and we have done the opposite.  They are all saying how nice it is to have something positive at last in the family, but for me it hasn't changed...when you were living with the person who has gone there is a constant big gaping hole that cant be filled, I guess for them it is so more remote,  their day to day lives haven't changed much but ours will never ever be the same again will they

Hi, just listened to your song, breaks your heart doesnt it, but I have found music a help through this whole nightmare. Last night I woke with a song insistant in my head I believe Tom put there for me - The Rose by Bette Midler. It was one of Tom's favourites but I havent heard it for ages,  been listening to it over and over today and crying my eyes out.  about 3 weeks ago the same thing happened, woke with a song pounding in my head- simple minds, dont you forget about me. Also really appropriate and i believe a message from him. I keep visualizing him around the place, standing at the kitchen bench making his coffee, driving the car,  putting a picture up on the wall, sitting on the couch scoffing his dinner, you name it, I can picture him doing it. Life seems so empty now...our lives weren't perfect,  we had our arguments like anyone else,  but when something like this happens you realize how much you mean to each other. No one else can really understand who using had that loss. Some appear to not even bother.  I went to school on Friday,  my 13 year old was running in the school cross country (and won easily,  something positive to come out of this I guess,  since Tom got sick she runs every day with the dog, it's like therapy for her, and shes good). Hardly any of the parents I knew spoke to me, most avoided my eyes, felt like a leper. The ones that spoke were people I dont know who obviously dont know what's happened! The rest were too embarrassed or something...hated it but glad I turned up for my girl, Tom would've loved to see her lick the pants off them all! Toms sister just had a baby on Friday too. Went to see her at the weekend in hospital,  was horrible being back there, my hands went all sweaty and I felt sick to my stomach remembering him being in bed in there in so much pain. Couldnt stay long. And them all so happy was hard to take..they have gone from family of three to family of four,  and we have done the opposite.  They are all saying how nice it is to have something positive at last in the family, but for me it hasn't changed...when you were living with the person who has gone there is a constant big gaping hole that cant be filled, I guess for them it is so more remote,  their day to day lives haven't changed much but ours will never ever be the same again will they

Hi plebbs, good on your daughter for lashing the pants off the others, I imagine her determination in her face was heartwarming. The songs and bands that Andrea loved often play on various radio stations like absolute 90’s etc some I try and sing along to others I turn off or change channels a moment with her music cheers me then I think stop it , then the sadness visits me again.This may amuse you, I told my daughter of the vivid dream of Andrea and her phone . But very early that morning I had my phone on charge under Andreas pillow and c’est la vie by bewitched playing away, I thought it was one of the neighbours car radio playing as they were going to work , but it was my phone , my daughter said my mam could have picked a better song to play than that old one. Made me smile, I don’t get out and about much only to walk the dog or shopping, friends making excuses not to go for walks with me , no phone calls just when I make them , with the parting shot well Ray mate got to get on take and you know where I am if you need anything. Counselling today see how that goes. I reckon people are glad the pubs are shut so they don’t have to say we’ll meet for a pint so that is out of the equation. I’ll sort out the funeral payment this week amongst other things to do with Andrea, the letting agent wants a copy of Andreas death certificate,they can wait for that I can tell you.Everyone in my local shop is an expert on grief, the looks I get when I go in ,the no it’s your turn, no I served him last time, but you know what to say him. Then the icebreaker hiya , alright and the dread in their face when I look up to answer .Well I’m going to prepare for my counselling session a little later. Or as my aged mother says it all wrong , keep you pepper up , I put it down to a one off getting it wrong but nope she’s said it often. Love xxxx

How did counseling go? 3 months for us now...and a year since I joined this forum,  never thought that within a year of joining that he would be actually gone...still wake up thinking "this cant be possible " . And I know what you mean about other people's reactions to you, some people can acknowledge and sympathize in a genuine way, others have absolutely no idea how,  or dont even try. In some ways you feel as if you have celebrity status suddenly, people staring at you! But not in a positive way. Would rather be anonymous and have a normal life any day...your Mum sounds funny! Good to have some light moments, mine is the same, in her eighties and definitely not the slightest bit PC! And doesn't care! Some of the stuff she comes out with or gets wrong! Got to laugh when you can I guess these days, I remember my grandma being the same when I was young! xx

Hi , counselling going ok but I’m coming to an end because they are only a 6 week course and I have to apply to my employer for additional sessions, I can’t see that being an issue as I work for a massive organisation. I m not a banker or solicitor I just work for a big company, I can’t give too much away but if you want I’ll tell you who I work for x.plebbs x . I ve seen other chats and unfortunately they are joining this group, my daughter suggested a holiday next year and I quickly answered no! you go on one but I’m not.Me and you lost our best mate at the same time xx ,ahhh my friend loneliness is keeping me company now x , is this it !! getting up at ridiculous times in the morning , sometimes 04:00 and looking into space , wondering what I did wrong to get here. The counsellor said friends will call less , yes I understand that but ?  what am I now, single again, widowed , with people saying well ,he should be getting over it now it’s been months it’s not like the old days when people mourned for months, I think of you and Tom and I think of me and Andrea, and I smile the love that we have for them is never ending xxx hope you are getting by my friend, it’s rubbish now but I’ve been told it’ll get better, how , when !! do I want it yet to get better x don’t know x staring into space again , no one here but and the dog Louis xx take care my lost soul xx love to everyone who is grieving xxxx

Hi, I dont think its going to get better for us for ages, and it will never ever be the same,  it's not like a broken leg that will heal! Silly for peopleto expect us to just "get over it"! Not possible! They are probably people who havent experienced loss like ours! Its the worst possible scenario really, there's no getting over it in a few months! School holidays here for me and very busy, I have been away with the kids in our campervan, we bought it when Tom was diagnosed, we traveled Europe in one years ago before we had the kids and always wanted to get another one...wish we'd done it earlier now but who was to know this was round the corner for us...I've found it hard though being in it without him, it was his baby! And guilty driving it as he loved driving it and always drove..feel a bit like I am usurping his place. The kids are happy to be back in it though,  been doing alot of driving listening to music with tears streaming down my face...kids dont seem to notice,  or if they do, it doesn't bother them, not sure which ! Therapeutic for me though I think, dont get any time to myself in the holidays,  which in some ways is a good thing I guess, in other ways not. I can still only take friends in small doses, I'm an introvert at heart so maybe thats why I prefer to be alone licking my wounds most of the time, how are you?

What can I say , it’s got to be the truth I’m struggling. I have a friend who I go out for walks when he has the time and we chat . I told him that I was tired of doing the same thing all the time , so I said to my daughter I’ll treat us to some supper from the chip shop ( doesn’t sound too glamorous does it) so I went in and ordered the food the woman behind the counter said can your wife not be bothered tonight, I said that she had passed away in April, without any emotion she looked at me and said were closing soon lucky you made it, in my usual sarcastic retort was yeah I wake up lucky everyday. I told my friend this and he said Ray why don’t you tell people Andrea died and move on from the passing away line, he said it may bring a bit of help to your feelings. My friend is an educated fellow and deals with terminally ill people where he works. I said Peter I avoid the words dead or died as it’s final isn’t it , he again said Ray I could never imagine your grief or even try to know how you feel but please try and use those words to people and their reactions may be different. Ive been given an extra two more sessions with

my counsellor which is kind of helping , because as we both know the loneliness and pain came back to us without fail. I cried uncontrollably last night honestly my eyes were sore with tears streaming down. I read your posts and try to visualise you driving the camper van , any other time before this curse of a disease took our loved ones those times would have been usual , normal, but now they seem not right , that’s my view from my own driving experience. I remember just after Andrea was told she was terminal Andrea said take me out for a short drive please, so we did Andreas usual honest words Ray stop driving over the potholes on purpose you know I’m hurting. To me at the time I thought your I’ll but your not going to leave us , something will happen that will give us hope x but in Andreas thoughts it would have been I’m never going to see this again x . I know I can’t imagine your world plebbs but mine is awful, guilt and anger  it’s not getting any easier. I am not going to do something drastic to ease the pain but I sometimes think about it. I hardly see or talk to anybody unless they are booked calls from the counsellor or from work, I’ve rang work colleagues but don’t get returned calls so they can go and do one. I have two daughters but they don’t want to talk about their mam. If they are upstairs I’ve even shouted up Andreas name before correcting myself. Plebbs let’s try and get through this hell, and that’s going out to all who are going through this and to the ones who will no doubt meet the darkest days of their lives xx bless the ones who have moved on xx love as always xx

There's certainly very few that understand our suffering. I've got back in touch with some old friendsTom and I knew in our younger days but we haven't seen for a while, they have all been horribly shocked but don't seem to mind talking about him and reminiscing  unlike some people I thought were friends but have turned out shallow and have basically avoided us since Tom was diagnosed,  like he had something catchy.  Maybe they think our 'bad luck' will rub off on them or something and they will all end up with cancer too! When Tom and I got together I thought I had a companion for life,  there is so much to get our heads around, so many different types of loss we are experiencing.  I still havent worked out how we get through this and come out the other end sane. I've got six sessions of counseling starting next week when the kids are back at school, hoping it may help me get my head around it, dont think there's much to help with that deep loneliness that you feel at the loss of a partner though, it's like nothing else, I have terrible flashbacks to when we were told,  and him bravely struggling to come to terms with the news noone ever wants to hear and everyone dreads, but he had to live with and accept, it just shouldn't have happened to them and we shouldn't have had to watch that suffering they went through, unfair on all of us xx

Morning Ray,

Just been thinking about you and wondering how you are?

Have you been getting out walking and keeping busy.

Ive had a rough couple of days, it keeps coming in waves. Going back to work Monday, I know its early days but going to try it has i need to get back into some sort of routine, never know what day it is at minute. 

Take Care

Debbie

Hi, getting into a routine of structure they say, I m planning going back in September only because I can tell that they are going through their protocol of trigger points ultimately to the get rid of this burden and let him sink or swim. I’ve got a couple we’ll one really strong person who gives me hand up when the clouds descend. I did go out for walks and cycling but the weather took a downturn and I used that as an excuse to stay in and not face the normal  people. This person I have really helps me but I’m scared that my over burdening personality could make them reconsider their time with me. It would have been Andreas birthday next week it would have been a special affair as she would have been 50. The counselling is helping  but later if I’m honest I feel as though I’m static not moving forward just sad all the time. I hope you move forward as regards work and what do some people say “ get back out there” it will do you good. Well they can go and jump. Sorry if I’m all gloom and there’s you actually doing something, while I’m sinking . Take care and get how can I dare say “ better “ thanks for replying xx take care

Yes it is easy for people to say things like “Life goes on” but they have no clue to how horrific it is to lose ya loved one and be left alone. Its early days for us but it doesnt get any easier.

Im looking forward but also dreading Monday not sure if my head can take learning a new system, i haven't worked since March so feel like i have forgotten everything. Can only give it a try.

Hope alls well for you in September when you go back and your colleagues will probably help you get back into it.

Some nice weather coming so going to get some outside jobs done.

Take care x

Sorry forgot to mention your wifes special birthday, i hope on that day All your family get together so you not alone. Its these hurdles that are going to be difficult for some time to come 

Mines was 3 days after funeral its awful.

take care x