Hi, just listened to your song, breaks your heart doesnt it, but I have found music a help through this whole nightmare. Last night I woke with a song insistant in my head I believe Tom put there for me - The Rose by Bette Midler. It was one of Tom's favourites but I havent heard it for ages,  been listening to it over and over today and crying my eyes out.  about 3 weeks ago the same thing happened, woke with a song pounding in my head- simple minds, dont you forget about me. Also really appropriate and i believe a message from him. I keep visualizing him around the place, standing at the kitchen bench making his coffee, driving the car,  putting a picture up on the wall, sitting on the couch scoffing his dinner, you name it, I can picture him doing it. Life seems so empty now...our lives weren't perfect,  we had our arguments like anyone else,  but when something like this happens you realize how much you mean to each other. No one else can really understand who using had that loss. Some appear to not even bother.  I went to school on Friday,  my 13 year old was running in the school cross country (and won easily,  something positive to come out of this I guess,  since Tom got sick she runs every day with the dog, it's like therapy for her, and shes good). Hardly any of the parents I knew spoke to me, most avoided my eyes, felt like a leper. The ones that spoke were people I dont know who obviously dont know what's happened! The rest were too embarrassed or something...hated it but glad I turned up for my girl, Tom would've loved to see her lick the pants off them all! Toms sister just had a baby on Friday too. Went to see her at the weekend in hospital,  was horrible being back there, my hands went all sweaty and I felt sick to my stomach remembering him being in bed in there in so much pain. Couldnt stay long. And them all so happy was hard to take..they have gone from family of three to family of four,  and we have done the opposite.  They are all saying how nice it is to have something positive at last in the family, but for me it hasn't changed...when you were living with the person who has gone there is a constant big gaping hole that cant be filled, I guess for them it is so more remote,  their day to day lives haven't changed much but ours will never ever be the same again will they

Hi plebbs, good on your daughter for lashing the pants off the others, I imagine her determination in her face was heartwarming. The songs and bands that Andrea loved often play on various radio stations like absolute 90’s etc some I try and sing along to others I turn off or change channels a moment with her music cheers me then I think stop it , then the sadness visits me again.This may amuse you, I told my daughter of the vivid dream of Andrea and her phone . But very early that morning I had my phone on charge under Andreas pillow and c’est la vie by bewitched playing away, I thought it was one of the neighbours car radio playing as they were going to work , but it was my phone , my daughter said my mam could have picked a better song to play than that old one. Made me smile, I don’t get out and about much only to walk the dog or shopping, friends making excuses not to go for walks with me , no phone calls just when I make them , with the parting shot well Ray mate got to get on take and you know where I am if you need anything. Counselling today see how that goes. I reckon people are glad the pubs are shut so they don’t have to say we’ll meet for a pint so that is out of the equation. I’ll sort out the funeral payment this week amongst other things to do with Andrea, the letting agent wants a copy of Andreas death certificate,they can wait for that I can tell you.Everyone in my local shop is an expert on grief, the looks I get when I go in ,the no it’s your turn, no I served him last time, but you know what to say him. Then the icebreaker hiya , alright and the dread in their face when I look up to answer .Well I’m going to prepare for my counselling session a little later. Or as my aged mother says it all wrong , keep you pepper up , I put it down to a one off getting it wrong but nope she’s said it often. Love xxxx

How did counseling go? 3 months for us now...and a year since I joined this forum,  never thought that within a year of joining that he would be actually gone...still wake up thinking "this cant be possible " . And I know what you mean about other people's reactions to you, some people can acknowledge and sympathize in a genuine way, others have absolutely no idea how,  or dont even try. In some ways you feel as if you have celebrity status suddenly, people staring at you! But not in a positive way. Would rather be anonymous and have a normal life any day...your Mum sounds funny! Good to have some light moments, mine is the same, in her eighties and definitely not the slightest bit PC! And doesn't care! Some of the stuff she comes out with or gets wrong! Got to laugh when you can I guess these days, I remember my grandma being the same when I was young! xx

Hi , counselling going ok but I’m coming to an end because they are only a 6 week course and I have to apply to my employer for additional sessions, I can’t see that being an issue as I work for a massive organisation. I m not a banker or solicitor I just work for a big company, I can’t give too much away but if you want I’ll tell you who I work for x.plebbs x . I ve seen other chats and unfortunately they are joining this group, my daughter suggested a holiday next year and I quickly answered no! you go on one but I’m not.Me and you lost our best mate at the same time xx ,ahhh my friend loneliness is keeping me company now x , is this it !! getting up at ridiculous times in the morning , sometimes 04:00 and looking into space , wondering what I did wrong to get here. The counsellor said friends will call less , yes I understand that but ?  what am I now, single again, widowed , with people saying well ,he should be getting over it now it’s been months it’s not like the old days when people mourned for months, I think of you and Tom and I think of me and Andrea, and I smile the love that we have for them is never ending xxx hope you are getting by my friend, it’s rubbish now but I’ve been told it’ll get better, how , when !! do I want it yet to get better x don’t know x staring into space again , no one here but and the dog Louis xx take care my lost soul xx love to everyone who is grieving xxxx

Hi, I dont think its going to get better for us for ages, and it will never ever be the same,  it's not like a broken leg that will heal! Silly for peopleto expect us to just "get over it"! Not possible! They are probably people who havent experienced loss like ours! Its the worst possible scenario really, there's no getting over it in a few months! School holidays here for me and very busy, I have been away with the kids in our campervan, we bought it when Tom was diagnosed, we traveled Europe in one years ago before we had the kids and always wanted to get another one...wish we'd done it earlier now but who was to know this was round the corner for us...I've found it hard though being in it without him, it was his baby! And guilty driving it as he loved driving it and always drove..feel a bit like I am usurping his place. The kids are happy to be back in it though,  been doing alot of driving listening to music with tears streaming down my face...kids dont seem to notice,  or if they do, it doesn't bother them, not sure which ! Therapeutic for me though I think, dont get any time to myself in the holidays,  which in some ways is a good thing I guess, in other ways not. I can still only take friends in small doses, I'm an introvert at heart so maybe thats why I prefer to be alone licking my wounds most of the time, how are you?

What can I say , it’s got to be the truth I’m struggling. I have a friend who I go out for walks when he has the time and we chat . I told him that I was tired of doing the same thing all the time , so I said to my daughter I’ll treat us to some supper from the chip shop ( doesn’t sound too glamorous does it) so I went in and ordered the food the woman behind the counter said can your wife not be bothered tonight, I said that she had passed away in April, without any emotion she looked at me and said were closing soon lucky you made it, in my usual sarcastic retort was yeah I wake up lucky everyday. I told my friend this and he said Ray why don’t you tell people Andrea died and move on from the passing away line, he said it may bring a bit of help to your feelings. My friend is an educated fellow and deals with terminally ill people where he works. I said Peter I avoid the words dead or died as it’s final isn’t it , he again said Ray I could never imagine your grief or even try to know how you feel but please try and use those words to people and their reactions may be different. Ive been given an extra two more sessions with

my counsellor which is kind of helping , because as we both know the loneliness and pain came back to us without fail. I cried uncontrollably last night honestly my eyes were sore with tears streaming down. I read your posts and try to visualise you driving the camper van , any other time before this curse of a disease took our loved ones those times would have been usual , normal, but now they seem not right , that’s my view from my own driving experience. I remember just after Andrea was told she was terminal Andrea said take me out for a short drive please, so we did Andreas usual honest words Ray stop driving over the potholes on purpose you know I’m hurting. To me at the time I thought your I’ll but your not going to leave us , something will happen that will give us hope x but in Andreas thoughts it would have been I’m never going to see this again x . I know I can’t imagine your world plebbs but mine is awful, guilt and anger  it’s not getting any easier. I am not going to do something drastic to ease the pain but I sometimes think about it. I hardly see or talk to anybody unless they are booked calls from the counsellor or from work, I’ve rang work colleagues but don’t get returned calls so they can go and do one. I have two daughters but they don’t want to talk about their mam. If they are upstairs I’ve even shouted up Andreas name before correcting myself. Plebbs let’s try and get through this hell, and that’s going out to all who are going through this and to the ones who will no doubt meet the darkest days of their lives xx bless the ones who have moved on xx love as always xx

There's certainly very few that understand our suffering. I've got back in touch with some old friendsTom and I knew in our younger days but we haven't seen for a while, they have all been horribly shocked but don't seem to mind talking about him and reminiscing  unlike some people I thought were friends but have turned out shallow and have basically avoided us since Tom was diagnosed,  like he had something catchy.  Maybe they think our 'bad luck' will rub off on them or something and they will all end up with cancer too! When Tom and I got together I thought I had a companion for life,  there is so much to get our heads around, so many different types of loss we are experiencing.  I still havent worked out how we get through this and come out the other end sane. I've got six sessions of counseling starting next week when the kids are back at school, hoping it may help me get my head around it, dont think there's much to help with that deep loneliness that you feel at the loss of a partner though, it's like nothing else, I have terrible flashbacks to when we were told,  and him bravely struggling to come to terms with the news noone ever wants to hear and everyone dreads, but he had to live with and accept, it just shouldn't have happened to them and we shouldn't have had to watch that suffering they went through, unfair on all of us xx

Hi Devondog, 

I feel your pain has im going through exactly the same thoughts how can go on wiout him.

I lost my husband only 4 weeks ago to oesophegus cancer it was June 2019 when he found out so had a year of chemo , radiotherapy cts scans etc. We had been married 36 years and was childhood sweethearts, we did everything together, its absolutley devastating.

My kids are 23 and 27 and i have a grandson who is 8 months old so i am telling myself i have to focus on them and try and go out more, which is difficult at the minute with social distancing. 

Please keep talking and chatting to people outside your close family it will help alot, has you are not alone in this terrible situation. 

Take care

Debbie

Thanks for those words,as you’ve read I’ve spoken to other wonderful people on here who share the most unwanted similarities on this earth. I do talk to the outsiders but to be honest they are uncomfortable with talking to him that’s just lost his wife, that’s ok, you’ve got your life I’ve got a brand new one the unplanned the unwanted one. I might sound bitter and acidic but my colleagues avoid me pay me lip service with how you doing glad your getting counselling , well Ray you where I’m at if you need me, ha, if only you meant it! Then there’s the other crew what a shame about Andrea only 49 when she died , no age is it , the awkwardness of their words searching for words to comfort me and cut me off. Yes I’m angry, the people I work with were meant to be a team watch each other’s backs well , it’s noted. I’m getting counselling which is great but afterwards the loneliness returns the guilt of why didn’t I do more!!. The outlook of my life is , sorry but get on with it , sort yourself out , times a great healer , really! spend a day in my head .My poor Andrea being told your hello I’ve looked at the scans and your going to die in 6/8 weeks time .Sorry people if you’ve read this far and think , this guys losing it , well maybe I am, occupational health from my employer have rang me today full of advice , saying I’m not ready to return to work because of the job I do , but soon we’ll get you back . Love to all who have read this I’m okay got people on here who have my back , because we sharing xxx