Dear Denise, 

You have made all the difference to your mum's end of life. I am so very sure  she would really want you to be happy, I guess you know that. I think the experience has taken it's tall on you - it's intense, it's to do with love and with huge loss. I think also the current covet19 context is not helpful to anyone needing to catch up with grief and work through passed trauma. It kind of stirs things up. I guess I am saying don't give yourself hard time for feeling the way you do. Looking from the outside -  my heart goes to you - you are lovely human being &/I'm sending you love and healing waves.

Hi Denise I was so sad to read your words. I think we do neglect our own well-being when loved ones are so ill but I would do it all again in a heartbeat as I feel sure you would even though it was a traumatic time.....we did it for them and not ourselves and you should feel pride that you rallied for your mum when she needed you to be strong for her.  My loss is the other way around as my daughter died of a rare sarcoma cancer on 16 Feb 2018 (aged just 39) after a long painful 13 months. I am having a similar grief journey as you but no two journeys will ever be identical. My other daughter is on her own grief journey with losing her big sis and becoming unexpectedly pregnant during her sister's chemo. I am not an expert but I don't think there is a right or wrong way to grieve but it's knowing others too are feeling a loss so big they feel they can't cope either....but here I am two years on and coping and you are 18 months and we ARE getting up (although it's a struggle some days) and facing every new challenge a fresh day brings. I live now by a simple motto  ' I look for one moment of joy in each day' some days I get more moments and yes if I get too many joyous moments then follows the overwhelming guilt of being happy when my eldest daughter has died before me. However we are still alive we have loved ones around us who want and need us and like my beautiful daughter would say..... don't waste the time you have been given. Yes be sad, angry & tearful but you are allowed to be happy with all the good memories and you will eventually smile and laugh without feeling guilty. So now when the tears and sobbing comes out of the blue I accept it and that way I know it will pass until the next time and the next time. For me if I didn't cry sometimes it would equate to not grieving/remembering so I just embrace it. It has to be what helps you personally like I said there isn't a right or wrong way and each loss is in different situations. You have children which gives you a busy busy life and that's a blessing but I get that you are lacking 'you' time and perhaps that is a useful place to start? Our loved ones have completed their life's journey and when our time comes we will have to complete ours and then we can join them in Heaven. I have rambled somewhat and hope a few of my words will help you. Try to find a little slot of time for yourself each day ..... think about happy times (children related) and perhaps then think of your mum maybe tell her what you have been doing. I mix up my thoughts in quiet slots of time rather than dwelling totally on my loss. As I said each grief journey is different and what helps me might not help you but I do feel a huge loss in my life too.....that we do sadly share. I Take care. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Px

Thanks BPkr, it's so nice of you to respond to me and your words have really helped me. It's funny how the kindness of a stranger has the power to make me feel better. 

I can't speak to my family about this as we are all pretending to be fine and strong and I don't want to upset them. This forum is a great place to escape to and connect with people who understand loss. 

Take good care

Denise

Thanks you Pennypan for your lovely response and you will be in my thoughts and prayers also as will your lovely daughter. I'm so sorry for this inconsolable loss. I feel guilty at you consoling me as the loss of a child is probably the worst loss there is. There is a sense of a life 'interrupted' as opposed to a life 'completed ' and I hope you can see glimmers of healing as time goes by.  Both my aunts lost daughters, one at 18(leukaemia) the other at 21 (sads) and I saw firsthand the effect it had and continues to have on the family 20odd years later. It is normal for a child to outlive a parent and while I understand this it hasn't made grief any less painful.

Does you daughter send you little signs? I call them postcards. My mother has sent so many signs which have been so consoling and unique to her. I know we'll all meet again where there is no pain, loss or missing the person..I keep looking for her in other people and the loneliness and longing never goes away. Someone said that you don't lose the person all at once, instead you lose them bit by bit and I've found that to be so true.. I'll be reminded of things she likes like sitting in the sun and then remember she isn't here to sit out the back garden with and have a chat and cup of tea, simple things like that.. no mothers day card to buy etc..I didn't think of those losses at the funeral and these things feel extra cruel and horrible. My 7 year old daughter was her first grandchild and they adored each other, she sleeps in her tops and we made a May altar (a popular tradition in Ireland!) in her honour. I find it really hard to talk about my mother and find I get angry inside when people outside the family refer to her. I'm not sure why, I like to talk about her only on my terms, Its just too painful and I find it intrusive which is unfair of me.

Thanks again and I wish you strength, peace and bravery on this journey.

Denise

Today has been a really hard day,  literally everything hurts and on the verge of tears, feel totally devastated and inconsolable.. why is the 2nd year so much worse?. I can't even look my darling dad in the eye as he is half her and it's too painful even though it should give me comfort. I can't go to my family home as it is decorated by her and after over a year and a half I can't get used to walking into the house and not seeing her there, I'm living  in a weird twilight past that I can't move on from. She should be there, kettle on, ready for a chat. Grief feels a bit like a 3 wheel car instead of the 4 wheels that are meant be there.. life feels lopsided, unsure, unstable, and insecure.. that's how grief feels to me, it has toppled my life and that of my family even though we all pretend to be fine as we don't want to upset each other. 

For all if you out there in pain I send my love to you, we will all get through this and get to a stage where we will laugh again, I'm sure of it and I know our loved ones are right beside us in Spirit.

Love

Denise

Hi Denise,

We have 'spoken' before back in September 2018, your lovely mum passed away 12 days before my mum. I just read your post above, I feel exactly the same, I understand completely how you describe everything. I tried to talk to my dad about mum the other day, couldn't manage more than a few words before getting upset and then I'm mad at myself as don't want to upset dad. I put some flowers on mums grave 2 days ago, my husband was with me, I told him to go back to the car and I'd follow, but I didn't want him to see me break down. It's so hard because 'people' think why would you still cry now, I know I have to accept it and I try so hard but I just can't comprehend that mums not here anymore, how is that possible? I don't need to say to you how it feels, you know.

You still get on with life and don't get me wrong, there is laughter with family and friends but there is always someone missing, September 26th 2018 feels like yesterday.

You are right Denise, our mum's are with us in spirit...my mum loved to play mahjong; I did the online lottery the other day ( didn't win!) but played a couple of scratch cards, said out loud, "c'mon mum" and won £20!

Thinking of you and sending a big hug,

Take care,

Linda x