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A year and a half since I lost my mum and still not feeling

Denise10
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Hi

I lost my gorgeous mum a year and a half ago and I'm actually feeling worse now than at the time. 

I'm reliving all the operations,  infections, weight loss and hospital visits every minute, all day every day. 

I have near constant anxiety and feel so traumatised. I'm finding everything so much worse at the moment as I've added stress of the kids home all the time while I'm trying to work. I've no time to myself and no space to grieve or feel. 

I thought a year and a half down the line I should be feeling better by now surely? I feel exhausted physically and emotionally. 

I stayed with her from morning to night when she was in hospital for all the various admissions and went though everything with her. I wonder if this has taken its toll on me. I was so focused on keeping her well and comfortable and neglected to check in with myself as she was the priority. 

I've a lovely family and my dad has been amazing but I'm finding it hard to focus on the living as I'm trapped in the past living with how it used to be. 

I know it is really upsetting my mum in Heaven to see me like this. 

Thanks for reading. 

Denise x 

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    Dear Denise, 

    You have made all the difference to your mum's end of life. I am so very sure  she would really want you to be happy, I guess you know that. I think the experience has taken it's tall on you - it's intense, it's to do with love and with huge loss. I think also the current covet19 context is not helpful to anyone needing to catch up with grief and work through passed trauma. It kind of stirs things up. I guess I am saying don't give yourself hard time for feeling the way you do. Looking from the outside -  my heart goes to you - you are lovely human being &/I'm sending you love and healing waves.

  • Offline in reply to BPkr

    Thanks BPkr, it's so nice of you to respond to me and your words have really helped me. It's funny how the kindness of a stranger has the power to make me feel better. 

    I can't speak to my family about this as we are all pretending to be fine and strong and I don't want to upset them. This forum is a great place to escape to and connect with people who understand loss. 

    Take good care

    Denise

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  • Offline in reply to BPkr

    Thanks BPkr, it's so nice of you to respond to me and your words have really helped me. It's funny how the kindness of a stranger has the power to make me feel better. 

    I can't speak to my family about this as we are all pretending to be fine and strong and I don't want to upset them. This forum is a great place to escape to and connect with people who understand loss. 

    Take good care

    Denise

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