Cancer Research UK main site

I miss my mum so much

2020Angel
Offline

I can't stop crying today . I lost my mum to cancer, 21st December 2019. I'm still randomly crying on the car when a song comes on.I'm crying even if i'm busy. My attention span is that of 'Dori', out of the childrens film Finding Nemo'.(For non watchers, she's a fish with an attention span if a few seconds) So this was the best analogy I could think if that paints me out to you.They say time alters nothing , my sister and I are so struggling to cope , Dad too.

I feel drained everyday, I'm looking after my partner as carer as he has liver disease, diabetes, pulmonary embolism, I could go on . I'm 51 he's 51. I feel like my life is just lost. I'm a robot . A robot who's running on empty.

I can't seem to see forward at all. Most days, I sadly, wake up. Because that's where I am at, at the moment. 

My sister, bless her, is 15 years younger and beautiful, my step dad is an amazing man, and second dad to me. I felt lost at the funeral, as every one does, but this past week it seems to have been like the funeral day, everyday, I talk to people, I'm not a hermit, I've done shopping for sets of houses as they were unable to get out . So i'm not a hermit. I care about people and love giving. But all the while in the back of my head, mind, thoughts , call it what you like, every day seems like the funeral day, all over again.

Thanks for reading if you did.

If no one reads this, then it's ok, 

thanks for letting me explain my recent self .

Debbie 

 

 

  • I'm so sorry for your loss Debbie.

    I know nothing I can say can make this better but you are not alone as many of our members have also been on this journey with their loved ones so will understand how you're feeling and will hopefully pop by when they can to offer their support and advice.

    I'm not sure if you've looked in to this already but some of our community have found bereavement counselling helpful so if you'd like to find out more, just click here.

    Be kind to yourself Debbie and if you can, try to take things one day at a time.

    Best wishes to you all at this difficult time,

    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Offline

    Hi Debbie,

     I just wanted to let you know that someone had read your message and knows exactly how you are feeling. I'm 56 and my mum passed on 4th April at the beginning of the lockdown, the last time I saw her was as she was carried out of the house by paramedics and I couldn't be with her the last two days in hospital. She had been in hospital so many times since Christmas the last time being in March and I suspect this is where she contracted the Coronavirus. This time last year she was just finishing her radiotherapy and we were told the outcome of her cancer was potentially good but since October she went downhill and was in so much pain. I can't stop thinking about her being alone and dying in hospital without me although the nursing staff were so kind and spoke to me on the phone constantly at the end.Some days I can make it through the day,  other days I can't stop crying. I try to keep going for my son who although 23 has struggled with the loss of his nan who has lived with us for the last 10 years, we were just a little family, just us 3 and now there's a big gaping hole in our lives that can never be filled. we both miss her so much.

    I think like you the best way to get through this is to keep going, be kind to yourself and if you are having a bad moment just go with it.

  • Offline in reply to mallorcagirlpamela

    Aww darling . I've just come on here and seen your reply . That is an absolutely horrendous time for you.  I'm so sorry to hear that because of the cvd19 restrictions , you couldn't be there for your mum .thats heartbreaking . I saw my mum  night before,  and I said ilk see you in the morning,  she passed away at 4am.

    My heart goes out to you and your family . And yes, it's nice to be nice and be kind for free. Xxxx take each day as it comes.  Try not to let anything get you down . Stay strong hun. I think of mum everyday and it seems like last Christmas..not 2019.It's weird. Time escapes me .Because I care for my 53 yr partner . He's bed bound with stage 4 liver disease,diabetes,unable to stand no strength.  I don't get much of 'me' time. So I apologise for the delay in reply , STAY STRONG XXXXDebbie Angel

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.