Hi Vicki,

Just read your post now. I'm so sorry for your loss. Our Mums are special people. 

I don't have any answers or advice, I can only share a bit of my own story in the hope it brings some comfort. I'm similar age to you and just come through treatment for cancer having lost my oldest childhood friend in the months before that. I cried when I first heard about my friend and for a short period felt disorientated, a bit like how you described feeling 'fuzzy' and numb, but gradually was distracted by daily life carried along by those around me who hadn't known my friend, from time to time since then I've had days where grief has resurfaced and again I remember my friend and allow myself to process my grief and turn memories into thankfulness. I can relate to you in still thinking your Mum is on the other end of the phone or you can meet up for coffee and it's not real. It was the same for me and I sometimes still forget I won't see my friend when I visit their family.

It is similar with the cancer, the beginning all happened like being in a whirlwind. I'm grateful I made notes of what happened at the time, particularly the support and kindness of family, friends, Drs and the small things that helped. I then revisited those and started creating a scrap book as a way of processing it all. I could only do small bits at a time and it's still unfinished as it takes a lot of emotional energy but I've found just the process to be helpful, printing photos, quotes, and other notes with lots of different colours.

I could not handle crying all the time from either of those, and I don't think those around me could've handled me doing so either but I have found that from time to time I can grieve and process what has happened just a bit more. I don't  think there is a 'right way' to grieve. We all will experience it differently. I would say though, it takes time. There is no rush. Be gentle with yourself. I've only been able to deal with small bits at a time but found as the months go by I've gained the head space to deal with a little bit more, sometimes it's been tempting to feel frustrated and think 'why's this still an issue?' or 'why is this coming up now?' but then I've realised that I wasn't ready until now and so am able to be more gentle and kind with myself. 

There have been different people who've supported me along the way. Taking the time to pause and be thankful for even the small things has helped a lot. 

A couple of books I read also helped me to process my grief. If you like reading they were:

Room of Marvels by James Bryan Smith (not so easy to get hold of in the UK but can be bought from the US , I found it on a friends bookshelf and read it in a day!)

The Scars that have shaped me by Vaneetha Rendall Risner (written in very short self contained chapters that can be read in any order so it's easy to dip in and out of)

Maggie's centres also have people you can call and talk or email for support.

You are beautiful, you are precious and you are loved.

Sending you big virtual hugs.

Amy

Hi Vicki, I'm so sorry that you have lost your mum. My mum died on 18th March this year and I have experienced a lot of the same feelings as you. We thought my mum had beaten breast cancer last year but in January we learned that it had come back and was now in her lungs. Even then the oncologist gave us a positive prognosis but unfortunately after 3 weeks in hospital my mum died just 36 hours after getting home. I had to be really strong for her with the result that when she did pass I fell apart. A few hours later I was totally calm and spent the day of her funeral comforting other family members. In fact I was totally zoned out, we could have been burying a woman from down the road. I felt numb just like you describe until the middle of the night when I would get awful panic attacks. I have health problems myself and as I am on anti depressants already there isn't anything else I can take.

Todsy was the first day I was able to go to visit mum's grave and I totally broke down. I understand what you mean when you say your brain won't allow you to grieve. For weeks I have done my best to focus on other things to take my mind off the loss of my mum who was my best friend in the world. My house has never been so clean and I've started giving cakes I bake to the neighbours as the family have eaten their fill. I've just been doing anything to fill the void her death has left. Today though I feel as if I have faced up to it and even though I have spent most of today crying it is better in a funny way. I would say that your brain may be protecting you until it thinks you are ready to grieve. It will come but we are all different and there is no guidebook to say how we should be feeling at any space or time so don't try to force it. You say you feel like you are walking through treacle, I feel as if I am watching life go on through a fog and I'm not really a part of things. You are lucky to have a supportive partner, I am single but I have a brilliant family around me. I hope I haven't left you totally confused and that I have helped you realise the way you are feeling is normal. Please be kind to yourself and hopefully we will both get through this awful time and learn to live in a new normality. xx